Nicotine Free 9 Days....Ready to cave in

[tyke1980]

I'm a bit desperate for SOMETHING to help me.  I've been 9 days free of smoking and have really been enjoying exercising without panting, wondering when I can smoke, not smelling, etc...  Great benefits so far but having a hard time since quitting because of so many things going on.  I came to my parents an hour away the day I quit for medical appointments and am still here 9 days later because of ongoing issues.  Being at home is good and bad.  I know I will disappoint my parents if I light up but THEY are the ones who make me want to because I feel like I am suffocating here.  I have no choice though and honestly, it's keeping me smoke free.  I have chronic pain and GI issues and feel like nothing is EVER going to get better in my life.  I feel like the walls are closing in and I told my parents that I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to stay "smoke free" for them.  I NEVER again want to feel that I have to please THEM.    I was going to go home today but staying another 2 nights for my own safety.  My parents had to go out of town for the night and I'm happy about that because I get "alone" time but the cravings are severe. I threw out all my cigs at home but found 1/4 pack here in my room at my parents and I know I need to get rid of them but my mind keeps saying otherwise and that one won't hurt me and maybe it'll help the suicidal thoughts.  I honest to GOD think it would.  It's that or going to go smoke pot which I don't usually do.  I'm on Benzos (xanax, Klonopin) but they're not helping with this feeling.  I know smoking pot is "smoking" and can lead to relapse.  Right now, I'm trying to fight the bigger evil and that is my anxiety and not finding much hope in living anymore.  Smoking seems to be the least of my issues at THIS moment.  I don't want to and that is why I am begging for help.  I've come so far and quit cold turkey except for 4 pieces of nicotine gum.  Any and all advice would help.  Even though the nicotine is way out of my system now, should I risk chewing a piece of gum and see if it helps?   

I should add my parents are amazing people but growing up with mental illness made me think differently about experiences growing up than my 2 siblings.  They are both healthy (mind and body) and happy with families.  I am planning on taking my folks to therapy so we can workout what I may have bottled up from childhood.  I love my parents more than anyone.

[YoungAtHeart]

Oh, my - I am not sure any of my words will help.....but at least let me hold your hand a bit, and give you a link to the National Suicide hotline https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/ .  You can also call 1-800-273-8255 to speak to a counselor. 

We hid from all our emotions when we smoked, and you are now coming face to face with them.  It's part of the quit process and you will GROW from this experience, believe it or not.

I am not going to give you my quit smoking help message, because right now I think you have more important things to handle.  Please give the folks above a call.....and let me know if they are helpful.

I CAN tell you that smoking ANYTHING might give you momentary relief - but it will ALL still be there when you finish one.

Just don't!

Call that number and get back to me.  I will worry!

Nancy

[maryfreecig]

Welcome to Ex. You are not alone in your quit anymore. It sounds as though you've done your best, but in going it alone in your quit you've found it's too hard to face. Quitting is hard work, so you really did the right thing by coming here. No matter what struggles you are facing, quitting is doable. Please stick around, get acquainted with other Exers and feel free to blog as much as you wish.

Please learn all you can about nicotine addiction--plenty of blogs right here on Ex and online too.

You did nine, congratulations on that-- keep the smober hours coming one day at a time. Recovery comes one day at a time.

Please read this blog...

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/groups/newbie-quitters/blog/2019/01/27/one-of-the-greatest-tools-...  by Jackie

[indingrl]

Please call your doctor who put YOU on those meds- WE are recovering NICOTINE addicts -  WE ARE NOT PROFESSIONAL'S - PLEASE contact EX site Manager MARK - He may have PROFESSIONAL DOCTORS to HELP you NOW- PLEASE n thank YOU! Gentle hug. 

[elvan]

PLEASE don't smoke, please understand that your addiction is desperate to get you back but you do NOT have to smoke.  Smoking is NOT going to help anything.  What WILL help is to drown that half a pack of cigarettes under the faucet and tear them apart.  It's a cathartic thing to do.  Smoking is not going to fix your feelings of being suffocated by your parents...did it EVER fix that?  You don't have to worry about pleasing THEM, you have to worry about YOU and what YOU want.  If you were already beginning to feel positives from quitting, you need to STAY QUIT.  If you really feel like you don't want to live, you need to call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and TALK to them.  LISTEN to them.  Listen to US...I understand that you feel hysterical right now, you will NOT feel like you are in control if you smoke.  We care and we all want to help but you have to take hold of your quit and own it.

Hugs,

Ellen

[tyke1980]

Thank you everyone!  So far, I made it through.  After posting, I went for an hour long drive.  Came home and went for a half hour walk and just got back.  Repeated mantras in my head as I walked and it took a bit of the craving away as I remembered how good it felt to breathe normally again.  I have reached out to the crisis line when needed and don't shy away from it one bit.  I also reach out to doctors as needed and I wasn't at that point yet.  Taking my life is something I don't think I could ever do.  It's more the thoughts of wishing I could be at peace and not suffer every day.   I realized that I need to acknowledge that I'm going through more than I can just "manage" without asking for help or using the meds.  I don't like being dependent on meds to calm my anxiety and panic but this is the times when I need to stick to a schedule so I don't let the anxiety take over and then in turn, crave smoking but MORE importantly, so I don't get those thoughts about death.   It's ironic that I don't like to take a drug that will help me because I don't want to be dependent on them but look at how dependent I've been on Nicotine to get me through bad and good times.  Going to keep on going one hour at a time and I made it through this time and hopefully can remember this and use it for next time.  If not, you'll be seeing a post from me again!  Thank you all so very much!

[elvan]

So glad that you took the time to update us.  You CAN do this and just think about how good you feel right now, how much stronger you feel.  I do think that it is very important to keep your anxiety medication on a regular schedule, especially now.  You are taking care of yourself and that's a really good thing.  I am so happy for you.  Plan for feelings like that to occur, have some favorite music available and crank up the volume and dance or sing or both, get some bubble juice and blow bubbles and watch them float away, that helps with your breathing...take a deep breath in and hold it and then exhale very slowly...if you exhale too fast, you won't get any bubbles.  Breathing helps to relax us.  This really can be a one moment at a time journey, whatever you need.  I am glad you came here in the first place and that you were considerate enough to come back.

Hugs,

Ellen

[TW517]

Oh thank you so much for the update!  I've come here 5 times to write a reply to your original post, but words failed me.  Two close friends of mine have lost a loved one to suicide in the last 9 days.  Even though you and I don't know each other, everyone here on EX is family to me.  I couldn't take losing someone again.  So glad you reached out here, and were proactive about getting out to help clear your head.  

[YoungAtHeart]

I cannot TELL you how PROUD of you I am.  You figured out what might help and you DID it!!!  A N D - you realized that smoking would not help - not one bit.  WOW - just WOW!!!!

Glad you came back to let us know you are OK.  Don't ever not ask for help.  Sometimes just a kind word is what we need...you will always find one here.  We ARE like a family!

Nancy

[Giulia]

9 Days smoke free is AMAZING!  I know it's hard but you should feel really proud of yourself.  You don't have to stay smoke-free for them.  Quitting smoking is the gift we give ourselves.  You're doing this for YOU and nobody else.  Are you trying any kind of meditation exercises?  Relaxation techniques?  Are you breathing?  Slow, deep breaths.  Breathe in the good, breathe out the bad.  And I agree with others above me, call the suicide prevention line.  Just talk to them.  They may give you a different perspective.  You may feel like nothing is ever going to change or get better, but you know, smoking won't relieve that.  That's just the lie your addicted brain is giving you.  We all got lied to by our addicted brains.

You're smart.  You have the answers:  "Smoking seems to be the least of my issues at THIS moment.  I don't want to and that is why I am begging for help.  I've come so far"  You HAVE come so far.  And you can go farther - just by not giving in.  When you awaken tomorrow morning you will feel proud that you hung on.  And the opposite will be true if you give in.  You'll be sadder that you gave in than you'll be happier that you smoked.  If that makes any sense.

I don't know what it's like to be you.  At the moment it sounds like it's not a whole lot of fun.  But as someone said recently to someone else on here:  'God made only ONE of you.'  That makes you kind of special.  Even if you don't believe in God - there is still only ONE of you in the world.  You are unique.  And you have already touched many lives here on this planet, and now on this site.  Don't go away.  Please?  You can do this.  Really you can.  Tomorrow can be different than today.  We have to strive to make it so.  It's worth it.  It really is.  Don't give up.  

[Giulia]

PS - well, while I was writing my previous comment, you were posting yours.  Good.  Glad.  We're here for you.  You know?  Stick around!  

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Good for YOU!

I just now read your post and am glad you were able to see your way clear and forward.

Always come here and post when you're feeling low.

[tyke1980]

Oh my.  I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of 2 precious lives to suicide.  I apologize that I brought it up and you had to see it.  I usually am not very vocal about that subject because it's something I think about and having those thoughts are very real and scary.   I don't want to talk too much about it here because it can be triggering and I don't want to make this about mental health.  Please feel free to reach out to me personally if you would like to talk about what happened.  I could offer a different perspective as someone that lives with those kind of thoughts.  I can't thank you enough for writing what you did and I send my thoughts and prayers to you and your friends that lost those wonderful individuals.  Much love to you and thank you again.  God bless...

[tyke1980]

Thank you and perhaps I waited too long to post again.  I was struggling badly for several days but feel like I'm such a burden to those in my daily life with all my "issues" and I just couldn't shake that feeling.  I had written a blog post that I had up here for about a week but never posted it out of fear of feeling like a failure and needing to ask for support just a couple days into this journey.  Thank you so much!

[tyke1980]

I'm honestly so humbled and honored to be the recipient of your words of advice, encouragement and wisdom!  I don't feel like I was worth all that you said and how meaningful it was.  Just hearing what you said literally brought tears to my eyes.  I don't get hardly any validation from my parents as to how hard this is but how could they even know since they have never smoked? You're right that if I gave in, it wouldn't do me any good and my other issues would still be there but compounded more now that I'd have to start over with quitting again.  Helps to get out of the situation and have time to reflect instead of making a decision out of spite and regretting it.

I loved what you said about there being only ONE me and that means I'm unique and special.  It's all too often that Ive been made to feel anything BUT those things.  Thank you for that!  Tomorrow can be different but you're right, we have to strive to make it so.  It IS worth it and I will always try my best!  God bless you and all that you took the time to say to someone you don't even know....me.  ❤️

[TW517]

No reason to apologize.  I hope I haven't scared you away from reaching out here for whatever you need.  That's what we are here for.  For many (including myself) it is easier to open up to an online community than those in their day-to-day life that might make them feel pressured.  And, I was so happy after seeing your 2nd post, I got my first good night's sleep in a week!

[sweetplt]

A lot of good advice above me ... I hope you get help, very worried that you are suicidal.  Please check in today ...

Gotcha in my thoughts ~ Colleen

[YoungAtHeart]

I have found that it is an exercise in futility to expect support in quitting  from anyone who has never smoked.  They join everyone who was made to believe this smoking thing was just a "habit we needed to break."  Those who never smoked are mostly still uninformed.

This is an addiction, not much unlike heroin or cocaine.  Your parents may or may not believe that this is true - because they were brainwashed just like the rest of us...and it is tough from which to break free.

Here is my usual welcome with lots of good materials and tips:

The important thing you can do right now is to educate yourself on what nicotine does to your body and mind. To that end, I highly recommend Allen Carr's “The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.” This is an easy and entertaining read. You can search for it online or at your local library. If you do nothing else to get ready for your quit, please do give this a read
 

 You should also read the posts here and perhaps go to the pages of folks who you think might be helpful. You might visit whyquit.com, quitsmoking.com and livewell.com for the good information contained there. @https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/groups/best-of-ex has lots of blogs written by members of this site with their experiences and guidance. Here is a video to inform you further about nicotine addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpWMgPHn0Lo&feature=youtu.be.

The idea is to change up your routines so the smoking associations are reduced.  Drink your coffee with your OTHER hand in a place different from when you smoked. Maybe switch to tea for a bit.  If you always had that first smoke with your coffee, try putting your tennies on right out of bed, going for a quick walk, then taking your shower and THEN your coffee! Rearrange the furniture in the areas you used to smoke so the view is different. Buy your gas at a different station. Take a different route to work. Take a quick walk at break time where the smokers AREN'T.
 
You need to distract yourself through any craves.  You can take a bite out of a lemon (yup - rind and all), put your head in the freezer and take a deep breath of cold air, do a few jumping jacks, go for a brisk walk or march in place, play a computer game.  Keep a cold bottle of water with you from which to sip. Don't let that smoking thought rattle around in your brain unchallenged. Sometimes you need to quit a minute or an hour at a time.  You will need to be disciplined in the early days to distract yourself when a crave hits.    Get busy!  Here is a link to a list of things to do instead of smoke if you need some fresh ideas:
 https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Youngatheart.7.4.12-blog/2013/02/25/100-things-to-do-instea...
The conversation in your head in response to the "I want a cigarette" thought needs to be, "Well, since I have decided not to do that anymore, what shall I do instead for the three minutes this crave will last?"  Then DO it.  You will need to put some effort into this in the early days, but it gets easier and easier to do.

Stay close to us here and ask questions when you have them and for support when you need it. We will be with you every step of the way!

 Nancy

[Christine13]

Hope you are doing much better today!  You are important, I understand how you were feeling - I've been there.

[sbbain1]

I hope you are feeling better today. Exercise helps me. I started running when I quit 6 years ago today and I have met so many people that use exercise as their mental "ME" time, including me. There is something about going on a walk or run with just the sounds around you and fresh air. Keep coming back to Become an Ex, because they are an AMAZING support group and it also helps a lot to type out your feelings, triggers, etc. You never know, but your situation or the replies might help someone else too. When I quit, I had to avoid a lot of things. I quit drinking for 58 days, I couldn't go outside on my patio (smoking area) and didn't go to my mom's house for 2 weeks (because we smoked together). Avoiding the triggers helped me. 

Good Luck -- YOU CAN DO IT!

[maryfreecig]

Ex is here because quitting is hard for many. Sharing is the best thing you can do and why wait til you are over burdened? Keep working your quit, concrats on all your smober days.

[tyke1980]

Thank you and exercise does help for many things and it's something I've always enjoyed.  I realize how much easier it is now with not smoking but also how much of a crutch it was for me for just about every emotion.  I've had to avoid some things as well and it's been hard because I suffer from major depression so cutting out places I used to go to has kept me more isolated.  Most my friends are smokers too.  I live in a very small town in the great northwoods of Wisconsin and pretty much is filled with bars.  It's a huge tourist area year round but mainly summer.  Sadly, one of my biggest triggers is my parents.  They push all my buttons but don't realize it.  I bottle up a lot of things that I need to learn to speak up about if it bothers me.  I never want to "ruffle" any feathers.  They don't realize how hard this is and how it's affecting my mood.  Thank you for your words of advice and hope all is well!

[tyke1980]

Thank you and you haven't scared me away!  I'm grateful for everyone here and although each persons journey is their own, we all have this one thing in common.  It's a great community!  I'm also so happy to hear that you got a good night's sleep!  We often take for granted how important sleep is and how it can affect us daily if we don't get enough.  Thank you again and I hope that your good sleep has continued and that you're doing well!  

[sweetplt]

My thoughts are with you today...tyke1980 ~ Colleen 117 DOF 

[elvan]

Thinking of you and hoping that you can be kind and patient with yourself right now and that you believe us that it DOES get easier.  Stay close.

Ellen

[Giulia]

If WE don't think we're worth it, then perhaps we need to pay more attention and hang out more with those who think we ARE.  I don't know YOU, but I do know myself.  And I recognize me in you.  Or perhaps it's you in me that I recognize.  I think it is that recognition that opens all our hearts to the plights of another human being and creates an emotional and thus spiritual connection.

Just keep aiming for the 'best of you.'  That inner voice will keep niggling until you pay attention to it.  And if you begin to pay attention to it on a regular basis - you will make the changes that inner voice is telling you.