Being a non-smoker is not an identity, it is what I am. It is important to grieve my old identity of smoker and develop a new identity that is not congruent with smoking.
It would be easier for me to verbalize what it’s been like and what it means to me if I were always thinking about having quit smoking. But that’s just the thing: I’m not always thinking about having quit, and that’s why I was able to in the first place.
I understand now how smoking was not only destroying my present life, but my future life. I understood the insanity of directing the bulk of my meagre income towards an addiction that was only perpetuating a cycle of financial strain. I understood that if I didn’t do something about it, I would die.
I saw myself years from now, hooked up to oxygen and yet still being unable to breathe. I saw myself bald and retching from chemo and radiation for a cancer with a pathetic survival rate anyway. And, still in that moment, I knew that now was the time, and I knew that the obsession I had with smoking had to be lifted.
As such, it was surprisingly easy to quit. I just don’t think about smoking anymore. It wasn’t about willpower, for all willpower does is compell you to keep thinking about what it is you’re trying to resist, therefore perpetuating—even worsening—the obsession.
For me, with the obsession effectively gone, it was as if a switch was flipped: from smoker to non-smoker, and that was that. I am unlearning my habits quickly. What do you know, it’s easy to get up in the morning and have my usual couple hours’ of coffee and computer time without chain smoking.
And the money. People always say things like, Think of all the money you’ll save! I don’t think of having saved money, because that implies I’ve got an empty pickle jar filled with cash somewhere. Rather, it’s money better spent on things like food, books, bills paid on time, and at least one congratulatory (yet necessary) purchase: the new computer.
But I’m not perfect, and neither is my “quitness."
Sometimes I’ll suddenly expect a cigarette, as if nothing had changed. At first those moments would bother me greatly, and I’d feel a sense of loss on top of the craving. Now I’ve learned to ignore them, go do anything and the feeling passes in time.
Today my brother and I drove past new place that was opening...Big Painted Sign "Hookha"... I always wanted to try smoking from one of those...I was able to say to my brother " well I will never get to do that as I am a non smoker."
That is what and who I am now a NON SMOKER
