My name is Marie, and honestly I'm writing this for advice and help because I'm terribly desperate.
Cigarettes do not ease my stress, they in fact make me very unhappy. All they do is keep my life somewhat manageable. I have been trying to quit for 2 years now, since before I conceived my first child. All through my first pregnancy I smoked, feeling horrible paranoia, fear, and guilt. I gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby boy and I felt overjoyed; but that didn't stop the guilt. I couldn't breastfeed my son because of my medications and the fact that nicotine lowers your milk supply- again, I felt horrible guilt and anger at myself. After giving birth I gradually developed the most severe post-partum depression imaginable- all the medications I tried only made me worse. It seemed there was no hope for me, except to grit my teeth and push through my nightmarish reality. Now, my son is having his first birthday tomorrow and I am halfway through my second pregnancy- I still suffer life-threatening depression and uncontrollable anxiety, and both these factors cause me to smoke a pack and a half a day, and have complete panicky meltdowns if I try to quit (and I'm constantly trying to quit)
At this point I know, i'm risking my unborn child's life and jeopordizing my sanity. The guilt is inconceivable. My only hope for getting better and not dying is a brain-training program called neurofeedback, which evidently has helped thousands of hopeless cases like mine, but I've just started it and I'm not sure if it will help. I just quit less than an hour ago, threw the rest of my pack away in disgust. Honestly and openly, I am feeling desperate and need advice to help stay quit. I've tried everything it seems.
