So there we were in the car. I was in the backseat with the window to my left. I had it partially rolled down and watched the ash on my cigarette grow and the smoke swirl about the vehicle. I realized that ONE LOUSY CIGARETTE put me back to day one - and after all this suffering.
The weight of the disappointment hit me squarely between the eyes.... And then I woke up.
Vivid? That dream was so real was that I could taste and smell that burning cigarette but the relief I experienced once I awoke and realized that I hadn't smoked was of measurable proportion. And that true sensation of relief was so overwhelming that it made me aware that I really DO want to keep the quit despite the doubts still floating about in my head.
Tomorrow's a big day: 14 days - or 2 weeks - or, maybe by some, 1/2 a month. Not to minimize day 13 but it somehow just can't compare to it's older brother, day 14.
If you've followed my blog over the last three days you know that I used 1-1/2 NRT patches/day because I was such a heavy smoker and had found a few sites that stated 1 patch for 2+ pack a day people may not be sufficient; I am not recommending this method to others but will admit to doing it. I stepped down to 1 patch/day yesterday and have maintained that throughout today. Another step in the right direction.
I'd be curious to know if anyone else out there who has been using NRT patches has questioned their decision to use this quit-smoking method after you already have one foot in the door. In other words, I'm wondering if I am better off - or not - using the patch. Unfortunately, this is not a question that can be easily answered. I have no idea if I would have made it as far as I have without the patch. I wonder if I will feel strong urges again when I reduce from Step One to Step Two and, therein, is where my concern stems from using NRT. Probably not wise to put the cart before the horse but if anyone has any first-hand knowledge about what happens - and how you feel - when you "step down" to a lower mg nicotine patch, I'd love to hear your experience.
Yesterday, TA-DA, a report was finally written. It took me twice - no, probably three times - as long but it was completed. I'll find out tomorrow if it was any good and am crossing my fingers that it didn't deviate too much from my usual style.
In talking with my boss today he made a comment that surprised me. He said that I sounded "better" than I had. I didn't understand. I asked him if he meant I sounded better since day 1 of my quit? He said no - you sound better because you're not coughing all the time.
I was so embarrassed by my cough. When on the phone I'd try to stifle it so the party on the other end wouldn't hear it... I guess I wasn't as successful as I thought at hiding it. Years ago - no, make that DECADES ago - I remember hearing a woman on a bus with a true smoker's cough - the kind that really sounds more like a rattle in the chest, if you know what I mean. I thought to myself that if I EVER started to sound like that I'd have to quit. My cough hadn't become a rattle but was well on its way.
It's comments like "you sound better" and knowing that my cough is not only not getting worse but actually disappearing that are starting to be my inspiration.
And, finally, the vacuuming still hasn't been completed but, rest assured, it will be waiting for me tomorrow. Certain things in life are predictable: there are no cleaning elves and quitting smoking will never be a piece of cake. Tomorrow, however, is Day 14 and that IS sweet.
