Nothing to report today really. A whole lot of fail. I need to get back on the horse again tomorrow. My mind loves to play tricks on me and make every excuse in the book as to why I need to keep smoking. You need to smoke because of this. You need to smoke because of that. It would be better to quit this day for this reason than today. Tomorrow is not possible because this event or this or that or this. Jeezus this habit sucks! There's always an excuse with me. I justify if with the poorest reasoning but it makes the most sense to an addicted mind. I'm so tired of it.
This has gotta be the strongest drug ever as far as addiction goes and getting off of it. I've heard it is a stronger habit than heroin and I'm starting to believe it. I don't know from personal experience with heroin but I know I"ve never had trouble like this breaking any bad habits and Ive had a few here and there. I'm sure it's a little harder to quit smoking depending on length of time spent smoking and maybe the age which we begin. I don't think the latter has much to do with it in most cases although in my personal experience, I think the age at which I started plays a decent part. It's all excuses, but I'm just saying...
I started smoking when I was 11. The kid who got me started was 10. He had already been smoking cigs for a little and he had even smoked weed by then. Years later I saw him at college. We were both adults. I bumped into him and he had told me he was on his way to Puerto Rico, a native Jersey guy like myself, and he was fulfilling his dream of becoming a surfing beach bum - at least for a while. He had quit smoking by then and I had not. I thanked him, sort of tongue in cheek, but there was some seriousness to it and he knew it. He apologized and we went our separate ways until a somewhat meeting years later courtesy of Facebook. He was still smoke free. Good for him. Seriously. I wish I could say the same and I'm glad he hadn't asked me.
When I started smoking at 11 I really wasn't a full-time smoker. Unlike some others, I wasn't proud of smoking. I hid it from everyone. But that first puff behind our intermediate school back on the soccer field, one day in the summer after I had just turned 11, I was hooked. I never did cough with that first puff as is typical from what I have heard or at least seen in movies. In all honesty, I loved it from the start. I remember it tasted different back then, somewhat sweeter and more pleasant, a small buzz each time. This was before it became a habit and ritual. I guess those were the good 'ol days before habit had creeped in. I stayed part time with it until I was about 15 and then it became more or less a full time life hobby. It engrossed me at that point and I thought about it often. Back then you didn't need to be 18 to buy smokes. You could walk into any store and just buy them. Yeah, the clerk might look at you funny. Yeah, he may ask why you are buying smokes at such a young age but usually just saying they were for dad was good enough to complete the purchase. It wasn't until after I was 18 that the laws took effect. At that point it didn't matter.
I guess the difference between quitting a habit like this and quitting another drug is that this is legal. Just like alcohol you can go almost anywhere and buy smokes. Legally. The difference between alcohol and smoking is that you can almost smoke anywhere at least outside but you can't carry a beer everywhere. You can't carry alcohol in your pocket comfortably. You can easily imbibe on smokes 20 times or more a day but it would be tough to do that consistently with alcohol. With drinking like you would smoking you wouldn't last long.
So I say, yes, this habit is probably the toughest to break. I've never been a crackhead, never used or got addicted to heroin or coke, but I know this is tough because it's anywhere, everywhere and can be carried legally in your pocket. Jeezus, I hate it the more I think about it.
Tomorrow is a new day. Wish me luck. I think I'm going to get a small tattoo of a no smoking sign. You know the one with the big circle with the line across it slashing through the cigarette. If I can get it cheap I want it somewhere where I can see it and where no one else can. Maybe the inside of my bicep so I can see it everytime I go to the gym working out. When I feel that urge I can look at it and see such a tangible reminder that this habit and quitting it has led me to do something so extreme as to recognize its power. Funny thing about the gym is today, as a smoker, after I worked out I did my normal smoker routine of moving my motorcycle to the side of the building somewhat out of view of prying gym members' eyes. It is embarassing, as I've said in the past, to smoke after putting in such a tough workout. How can any habit be good if you are so embarassed by it and feel so guilty. That should tell me something just by itself. Quit damn it. Quit. Back to the tattoo...It would not just be a reminder but be sort of a celebration or a gift reminding me that I could be in worse health had I not quit. To have this tattoo and to ever smoke again would just be plain stupid. It would be embarassing even if no one else knew this little secret. I would embarass myself to myself. Yeah, you're smoking and you have a tattoo as a reminder to not smoke. Swift move Sherlock. That would be my incentive, to avoid this feeling of defeat and utter stupidity. This almost 30 year habit is worth the pain and permanent reminder that it's just not worth it. Tattoo'd commitment. Maybe.
As is always the case, I'm thankful, appreciative and humbled by your motivating comments. I truly do appreciate them and it helps me get back on track and then to stay on track. There is nothing worse than having to publicly admit failure. Personally I hate it and it eats at me. Thanks again.
