Well, today makes 80 days! I am not really surprised I have gotten this far. I have quit much longer than this in the past so the fact that I have gotten to 80 days is really not much of an accomplishment to me. The fact that I have made it 80 days going through all the heartache that has been going on in my family for the last 75 days blows my mind!
THAT is really incredible to me!
I was out of state for the last 2 weeks visiting my screwed up family in Arkansas. I am even more upset about things now than I was before I left! My dad is in really bad shape; my heart is breaking for him. He has dementia and it has progressed immensely in the last year. He is a genius, he really is. He even has patents for some of his inventions. Now, he can’t even say my name anymore.
I have cried so much in the last two weeks & I just can’t stop. I look at him and I wonder why I keep the quit. I have not smoked, not at all in 80 days but I don’t see much of a point anymore. My dad has always tried to be healthy. He was never overweight, never smoked, didn’t drink much at all, ate right and now look at him. He can’t even have a conversation that makes any sense. Why do I want to keep this up? I really can’t tell you. But I have not smoked and I will not smoke.
There is that mental part of me that wants that cigarette…feeling that smoke go in & exhale out…what a relief that would be. Oh how I would love that right now, my friend by my side…never failing me. I miss you so very much! It is the physical part of smoking that is stopping me for the last 2 weeks. I think of how it would actually hurt going in, the fast heart beat, the nasty taste. Those are the things that are keeping me from smoking today.
For now… I will keep the quit and keep on crying! I miss my Dad more than I miss the smoke!
