Let it all begin (again)

[aims]

New years 2010 was the day I quit smoking, I was doing so well...... June 1st came and it was exactly 5 months since I had a cigarette...then something happened which changed my life....forever and I have been smoking ever since!!! Here is my story...... My step father was like my real dad, he was diagnosed with a heart condition about 4yrs ago, as the years went by he got worse and june 1st he lost his battle He told my mum to call an ambulance because he couldn't breath, by time I locked my dogs downstairs and got up to help he was gone,laying lifeless on the couch, mum and I dragged him to the floor where I started CPR, the paramedics came running into my house where they took over, they tried everything then rushed him off to hospital. Long story short, that's a day I have been trying to deal with and have been finding it very hard... So there you have it, a lot more has happened since but I won't go into it now...so this was my reason for lighting up again, and tomorrow Jan 1st 2011 is the day I start the long road to being a non smoker Tonight I'm going out to drink and smoke my face off one last time, have a toast to my step father at the count down, and I pray that 2011 will be a better year for me Let the games begin

[iskander28]

Wishing you a lot of luck for your new quit and I'm sorry to hear about how you lost your last one. I lost a quit once over getting dumped and in hindsight it was the worst possible reason. I didn't feel I deserved the quit and in some ways I was punishing myself. I wasn't worth the man, so I wasn't worth the quit. I'm in a much better mental space now and I realized that I quit originally because of him. A few years later I can see that he wasn't worth the quit, but I am. I say all this, because I think it's important to understand why you lost the quit. It isn't usually because of the event, however tragic, but because of something inside of us. Have a safe and happy New Year's! And 2011 will be the year of your quit.

[pojo]

I also quit 1/2/10 and am looking forward to celebrating my 1st year as a non smoker in 2 days.  I have not fallen off the wagon even 1 time.  I know if I had 1 single puff...I'd be right back at it again..Ilost a brother in June, 2010 and then a sister in 11/2010 AND NEVER LIT UP..just keep in mind:  

You are a junkie

Junkies ALWAYS look for a reason to fall off the wagon --when bad things happen I just keep telling myself...non smokers have family members that die or this bad thing happens to other people that have never smoked and they manage to get through it....even if I would of started smoking again after my brother died (his b-day was only 3 days after mine-he was 5 yrs old than me...we were close AND he died on his birthday)...I knew that he would still be dead even if I started smoking again....I know you may think me harsh...but I am not...I am honest...the next time something bad happens to you...work through it---but DON'T LIGHT UP...it doesn't solve anything.  GOOD LUCK ON YOUR NEW QUIT!

[jeannie2]

Hey smoke one for me cause im not ever smokin again!!!!!!!!! .....you cant blame life for smoking cause it doesnt change things or make bad things better.........im sure you smoke even on good days too.........i didnt need a reason to smoke........i was a happy smoker...........now a happy free lifer. I wish you well and you can do it!!!!!!! Happy New Year and have fun! I know i will....im going to a ball and dancing and partying all nite oh yeah

[aims]

I appreciate the words, I am not blambing life, i have no one else to blame but myself... doing cpr on anyone is hard specially when its your first time and its your father, this isnt my excuse but smoking is what got me through... and for those who dont understand then keep your meaness to yourself...i came on here for support, not to be told what i should have done.

This was my choice and I am ready to become smoke free again, call me a junkie, a loser whatever you want, If smoking got me through the rest of the year and the rest of the crap i had to deal with, then so be it, i dont have a problem with it nor does my husband or family, and to me thats all that matters.... not the words of some stranger who thinks their shit dont stink

[Yaya2.6.10]

I think those other folks were trying to help you.  Of course, they are sorry for your loss and understand your feeling of guilt for not being able to save your Dad.  The point is he would still be dead and you would still feel guilty if you smoked or not.  We are here for you and will do all we can to support you in this Quit. 

[jeannie2]

I do totally understand what you went through.......as i also watched my dad die right in front of me.......no one could save him.......he was gone. Smoke of you want to and happy new year!

[lynette3]

My dearest Aims,

You have been through a lot. And yes, sometimes smoking just does help us feel better. Sorry, I said it. At least, it did for me.

Last October, when I evidently signed onto this site, I was under extreme stress, too. I don't even recall coming to the site then but it says I did, so I must have. I was born with a debilitating spinal disease and experiencing a differnt type of pain than usual so started in with bunches of tests...again...in Oct. By June, I had once again decided to quit. However, the pain became so intense I actually cried at the neurosurgeon's office and screamed at my primary care doctor.If you knew me, you'd know how out of character this is for me. By the end of June, I went back to smoking. I moved in August with the help of family, friends as I could do very little. By Sept. they finally figured out I had a broken tail bone from the full body CAT scan. Scheduled me for surgery. Fine, I'll do another one, I say to myself and guess what? I have to wait until November.

I'm smoking all the way to surgery date. And guess what? Surgery went so great I'm out of pain the very next day! Sitting, standing, everything! Couldn't believe it. I then began my prep work to quit. I became so thoroughly disgusted with myself, reminding myself how much pain I've endured, how many back surgeries, etc. and surely, quitting couldn't be harder than what I've been through.

Understanding another person's situation is sometimes just plain difficult. We forget that others' pain, loss, grief and fear are to be recognized and acknowledged. And to say that smoking helped me get thru another surgery, well, it's just true. But I'm quit for about 20 days now so I know it's over for me. After 40 something years. Only because I got so disgusted with myself and said I want POWER over my body and behavior, CONTROL over my actions and feelings. And I want this more than I want to smoke.

Like you, Aims, I'm learning as I go along. Believe me, I feel your loss keenly and I know what that feels like. We here are trying to just let go of smoking and realize it really doesn't help us. But we all struggle, we all feel differently about it and we all try in our limited ways to reach out to virtual strangers and help. By sharing what we know, by sharing what we've experienced and by trying to be as understanding as we can.

I hope you'll join me and others here in our quest to truly be a non-smoker. Aims, we are here for you. Honest.

[Strudel]

Aims - Welcome to the site and congrats on deciding to quit. As you can see, there is a great deal of passion surrounding quitting....

For me, coming here and reading lots of "tough love" type blogs really helped me in my quit. (I quit 201 days ago after smoking for 40 years.) I spent so many years waiting for a time without stress, without problems - a "good" time to quit. Of course I never found it....none of us ever would.  We each have different stories, different events in our lives.... I finally reached a point - right after my mother died as a matter of fact....when I realized that there would never be a "good" time. I was so afraid as I faced the quit...

By preparing ahead of time - reading lots of blogs here, going to http://quitsmokingonline.com, and reading Allen Carr's book - I found out that smoking was not helping me - or anyone else deal with stress. We just think it does. Or better said - our brains think it does!! Those associations in the brain have been formed over YEARS and are difficult to disconnect. However, once I realized the lie - it really helped!

You can do this! Stay close - we are here for you! You can pick and chose who you want to listen to....but, pick someone and read, read, read!!

[aims]

Thank you

im not new to this site, i joined in Jan and i was smoke free for 5months, so i know the battle i have a head of me, thats why i am back here because this site helped a lot, having support from others who know whats its like really does help

And i too have come to realize there never is a good time to quit, i know i can do it this time because i dont think i have to face as much stress as i did this year, not only did my father pass away, but my father in law had a major heart attack, I got married and my mum moved back to australia (im in canada) until oct 16th i had lived with my mother everyday for my 27 yrs of life....

so i have been telling myself for months im quitting new years day and i have faith i can do it, i have a long road ahead of me but i know the out come is worth it

i look forward and thank you in advance for all the support...good and bad