We went out to friends tonight....I was a little nervous, but I realized something very valuable tonight. Of the 20+ people that were there, there were only two that smoke! The "peer pressure" that I was afraid I would face was non-exsistent! And guess what....while the cold wind was blowing, and the rain was falling hard....I was inside, visiting, laughing, enjoying everyone's company, having a great time! Less than two weeks ago, I would have been outside, hunkering in the cold wind and rain, to smoke....now that would have been a good time....NOT!!!! I love it when the reality of something becomes clear and is so much more pleasant than my old perceived realities!
I've been thinking about a good friend a lot the last couple of days. She has been a smoker as long or longer than I was, and she definately lets smoking dominate her life. She only goes to restaurants that allow smoking and they are few and far between in our area. She plans shopping trips around smoke stops, she is late for almost everything she does because it takes her twice as long to get ready to go as it does most people because every move she makes is centered around her cigarettes. She spends way too much of her life looking for her cigs....or lighter....or ash tray....or finding someplace that allows smoking. I try to convince myself I was not that bad when I smoked...but in reality, I probably was. That is a sad thing....I think of all the good food I might have missed out on, because I seldom ate where I couldn't smoke. I think of all the visiting I missed out on, because I was always isolated, having a smoke. I'm actually beginning to be a little thankful that I was "forced" into this quit! LOL....pssst....don't tell my employer that, I'll still deny it.....I can't give that much yet! LOL But seriously....I wake up in the morning and no longer feel and sound like I'm coughing up a lung! I can go on a brisk walk and not become winded....my legs get sore before my chest starts hurting! I can put on perfume in the morning....and still smell nice in the evening. I have gained about 4 pounds.....is that because I'm not smoking????.....more likely it's because I can't keep my hands out of the damned Tootsie Rolls at work! LOL I am sleeping more soundly at night now than I have in years....yes, the insomnia is gone, whether it's due to the herbs I'm taking....or just because...doesn't matter, I sleep well, with no chest pain, shortness of breath....and my snoring has decreased dramatically....at least I think it has, because I haven't woke myself up snoring lately! LOL (Yes...I would actually do that on a regular basis) I am even beginning to actually feel like a non-smoker, rather than a smoker in denial! LOL
Wow...if I've come this far in less than two weeks, how far will I be in two months? I don't know, but I can't wait to find out! I haven't even had a major crying episode in the last three days! That is a major relief! I have to tell you the last one was a doozy! I actually went for a walk, and found myself sitting deep in the woods....just sitting there under a tree....my t-shirt soaked to my waist from wiping the tears that would not stop....and that I could not explain! A friend called me at this moment just to see how I was doing....I could not talk....he waited....I finally managed to choke out what was happening. You know what his first words to me were? "You don't have gun, do you?" I absolutely busted a gut and assured him I did not! ROFLMAO.....I had to sit there and really do some soul searching. What the hell was wrong with me???? Was I actually going off the deep end or what? I began to think back to the time in my life I started smoking....I was in college. Keeping in mind that I had smoked for 1 1/2 times more years of my life than I had not, I also realized that when I started, I did so to FIT IN!!!! I was giving up a major part of my identity, and a part of me that I felt like made me fit in with the people around me. We even joked at work with the non-smokers who would come outside with us when we had smoke, asking them if they wanted to "hang out with the cool kids"! That was a real eye-opener for me...I began to wonder if I was afraid that I would no longer fit in with my friends...could be, who knows, but after that realization, I began to feel more peaceful with my quit, and have not had a major crying episode since. Tonight, when I realized that I actually had something in common with so many more people as a non-smoker than as a smoker, I'm hoping has put that fear that I just recognized to rest...for good.
I'm not sure where my head will be tomorrow, but today was another smoke-free day. A day of peace, calm, and laughter. A day of realizations that I will hang on to throughout my quit....Realizations that have made me stronger in my quit and my relationship with Nic O. Demon weaker. Tomorrow may have hurdles...there may even be mountains to climb....but today was a good day....today I truly feel that I AM A NON-SMOKER!
Hugs to all....and here's to a smoke-free future! Night all,
Lisa
