I remember so early in my quit that I just kept saying how long is this going to take, when is this ever going to be over as I was moping around the house sobbing because I was depressed, I was frustrated. I was just plain old grieving. I remember when my mother died that went on for a year. I had the house to sell. I had a disabled father to take care of who was in a veteran's home. I had their finances I had to get in order. After a year, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember that first week after she died with all the cards and calls coming in from well wishers and thinking when are they ever going to stop. I just want this to stop. Reflecting back, putting down the pack was the same way. I just wanted to know when this was going to end. I would have been so much better if someone would have told me that this will only take 4 months and you will be over it.
I think back when I first started this wonderful habit (confused thinking), I was doing it to be cool and to fit in. To be seen as one of the tough kids. First cigarette was at 12 and actually drinking started then too. For unknown reason I felt the need to put vodka in a bubble bath container. I don't remember much of my childhood, but I remember that one vividly. Had it hid under a tree and popped it open and it just bubbled back at me. I understand peer pressure. Probably why I was so vigilant with my children. Then as I got older, 16 to 18, I continued to smoke because it made me look tough. Strange how self-acceptance comes in your older years when the smoke clears, literally, and you have a clear head. I never thought I had a drinking problem because I could stop for months at a time. I knew I had a smoking problem because I couldn't stop for even a day except for when I had my children.
I knew I had a smoking problem, but just ignored it because it was a habit. They always used to say in those ads, just kick the habit. Back in the '50s and '60s, everybody was smoking. In the movies, on television shows, anywhere and everywhere that billow of smoke rose above the masses. They even glamorized it. That's when those slender cigs came out, virginia slims, those dark brown cigs and so on. Then they went the route of lower tar and nicotine is better for you. Ah, yes, Mr. Big Tobacco, bravo for trying to make this seem healthier. No wonder this was never seen as an addiction. Billions and billions of dollars would be lost.
Well, I've saved my life, saved close to 800 bucks, probably saved my eyesight. I was told 4 years ago to stop smoking because of macular degeneration. Did I listen? Heck no. I've noticed now that I'm at 86 days free that I don't have as many black spots floating around any more. I no longer wheeze when I lay flat. I never have leg cramps anymore. Life is good. Life is renewing.............
