I can’t remember if this is my 3rd or 4th quit in the last 6 months. I do remember being happy and excited during my first suit that lasted almost a couple of months(I think). I don’t remember what in part brought me back to smoking- it could have been anything -illness, sadness, confusion, fear…. And I remember being very disappointed with myself, yet also confident that I could choose to quit again and I did until the next excuse to smoke popped up. Then I stopped again until the next excuse.
Today is a week smoke free and there are lots of excuses to smoke- this morning it is unrelenting pain from a partially torn bicep and pinched nerves in my neck. The bicep tear is making my neck muscles spasm and bring with it a blinding headache. Of course that means I’m not sleeping well, which makes the pain more annoying and makes me less aware of doing things to aggravate the injury and makes me compensate causing more inflammation. The shoulder bone’s connected to the collarbone! Sometimes, when I move wrong, the pain hits me hard and I get nauseous. And I feel so very sorry for myself. Which is not the way I like to feel. There’s a word for that feeling and while I can’t remember it, I know it leads to a not good place.
The day is again dark, dreary and heavy - oppressive and depressing. This does not improve my mood. I’m doing my exercises from the physical therapist. I do 10 reps of 5 different exercises - 3 sets of each. I can only do one set at a time, but I can do 3sets a day. I have a brace and a sling from the orthopedic doctor, but the physical therapist said not to wear it very often- only when absolutely necessary.
so I’m bored, depressed, hurting, and so tired of always having some new physical problem. And guess what? Smoking contributes to all the problems I have. My brain can’t work around the headache to take care of bills and paperwork. I can’t lift or do anything with repetitive motion. I’m trying to figure out a way to make this a positive thing, but I’m not being successful. Maybe I need to buy one of those.light boxes for seasonal depression. I’d love to learn to whine with grace. Is that possible?
but just for today I will not smoke and that is something positive. My lungs are saying thank you. My sinuses are not as heavy. My heart is pumping a bit easier and my hands and feet are a bit warmer.
