I'm just not sure...

[MusicalHobbit]

I'm really fighting with myself today, and to be honest as you must in recovery, I lost.

I tried. I managed to make the craving go away after breakfast for awhile, but when i came back inside the house, I slipped.

I am going through some very stressfull thoughts and feelings this morning. About quitting and how i'm going to be able to quit when I'm going through my period and also struggling with a situation in my life that not a lot of people would understand or can accept without judgement. So i can't really talk about it, unfortunately.

Sitting here almost crying when writing this. just going through a lot of pain right now and I'm just not sure if I can do it.

[CommunityAdmin]

MusicalHobbit‌ Sorry to hear you've had a rough day.  

The great thing about the community is that you're as anonymous as you want to be. The struggles are real and certainly it can be challenging to believe someone could be accepting, understanding and empathize with you but in reality you might be more likely to find someone in a similar situation virtually than you would in real life.  In our everyday lives it's easy for us to know whether someone can empathize with us. We know with past experiences with people their capacity to accept and not judge us. Online it's a different story.  Most people here probably feel like they would be judged but they don't likely have history with many of the people here.  In fact by sharing your story you might help someone else have the confidence to share their story as well. It's a risk for sure. There is both an opportunity for reward (support and understanding) and for another outcome. But you won't know unless you take that risk.  You could also not get a response but the reward might be you getting those thoughts out and heal yourself in some way. Or someone may read your post and not respond and then be inspired to write their own post.  That too could be looked at as a reward, though indirectly.  As humans we look to connect, but we first must make others aware that we're wanting to connect and that we have some commonality with another.  So think about it.  Think how you can share even just a little bit at a time, at a comfort level you are comfortable with and hopefully you can connect with one or more people that helps you continue your quit journey.   You can still quit today, the day is not over.

Mark
EX Community Manager

[YoungAtHeart]

This is a one day at a time process.  Don't let yourself worry about times  in the future.  Just concentrate on not smoking TODAY!  You will deal with those future things one day at a time, too.

Learning to deal with life is a HUGE part of this journey.  In order to be successful, you need to separate your feelings from your need to smoke to hide from them.  It is OK to be afraid; it is OK to be stressed.  You will need to learn to change your mind's direction when those cravings start in on you.  Weren't those stressors still there after you smoked?  Smoking only gave you a momentary break from them - but when you put out those butts - realize that all those things are STILL there.  Remember - there is NEVER a good reason to smoke; there are only excuses.  Until you stop making them, you will not be successful at this.  You need to make a decision that you will not light another cigarette NO MATTER WHAT and then honor that decision every minute of every hour of every day going forward.  Easy?  Nope!  Doable - YES!

Your post leaves me with three questions. 

!)  Why is something in your life not able to be shared?  This is a No Judgment Zone and nothing you might post would be taken wrongly here.  Sometimes just writing things out helps with dealing with them.  Please know that option IS here if you choose to do so.

2)  Why were cigarettes available to you to be smoked?  When you quit, it is imperative that you put any remaining cigarettes under running water and put them in the trash.  Keeping any in your environment is giving yourself permission to fail.

3)  Was there a banana peel or a piece of black ice involved in smoking those cigarettes?  If not, lighting one and smoking it was a series of decisions, not a "slip."   You had to find them, pull one out of the pack, find a lighter, find an ashtray, light it, and inhale.  At any point you could have stopped yourself.

Don't spend time lamenting what has happened.  Don't look back except to make a plan what you can do differently in a like situation next time.  Could you have come here and blogged BEFORE you lit up?  Called a friend?  Gone for a walk?  Found an exercise video on YouTube?  Played a game on your phone? 

This takes effort on your part in the early days, but it DOES get easier.  You just have to commit to not smoking until it does.

Let us help!

Nancy

[Barbscloud]

MusicalHobbit did your ever speak with your psychiatrist?  I hate to think you're going through this alone.   Feel free to share whatever you feel comfortable with.  There are many quitters on here that don't post at all, so you've already shown your willingness to share your experience.  

Don't give up and reach out before you smoke, not after.  

Hugs

Barb

[marciem]

I have to reiterate what Nancy YoungAtHeart‌ has said.  Be sure to answer the questions she asked, and also acknowledge that there is no "slip" to smoking.  It isn't an accident, it is planned and followed through on.  Always.

That said, I'm happy you came here and owned up, since as YOU stated, honesty is important in addiction recovery.

This is a process, a long one, and the less you fight and argue with your addicted brain, the less tiring and awful the initial phases will be.  Don't bite off more than you can chew, take it one minute, one craving, one hour at a time.  Ride the wave, don't fight it, and let it carry you to where you want to be.  Find other things to do besides smoke, including deep breathing, doing puzzles, sucking a tootsiepop or red vine... whatever helps YOU.

And of course, you can share or not share, your choice.  We don't judge.  Sometimes it can sound like we do, not all of us are warm fuzzy.  Some of us (ME) are practical and down to earth and can sound harsh, but we're here because we care and want to help.   All of us.  You never know where or when you might connect with someone with a similar circumstance and find comfort just knowing you aren't alone.  Its a large and very diverse community here.

Best to you!!  Now get rid of all smoking materials and start over... You CAN do it!!

[noetoez]

Don't worry about how you are going to stay quit tomorrow, the next day, or 2 weeks from now. Focus on today, this hour, this next 5 minutes. Just because you slipped today, does not mean today is shot either. I struggled a lot and was a serial quitter for a while. I told myself, "You already smoked today, might as well keep doing it today. You can start over tomorrow." "Well, I was going to start today, but I have this half pack, I'll start when it is gone." Etc. 

I think that if you tried to share what you are going through, you would be surprised by the support you would get. Having spent the last month and a half reading and talking to other people here... People here have been through/seen/done some stuff. I've been through/seen/done some stuff. It's ok if people don't understand your stuff, we all have our own. And you are not here for other people (though just being here and talking helps other people), you are here for you and your quit. No one here knows who you are, unless you tell them so you can talk through whatever you need to.

If you don't feel comfortable blogging publicly, type your blog out... and delete it. Or make a friend here and message them. Make another user name and post under it so no one will know its you. Just some ideas to help you get it out. Obviously, I don't know what you are going through. But you don't have to go through it by yourself. Judgement free zone.

[CommunityAdmin]

MusicalHobbit‌

Forgot this in my previous post.

Do you buy your own snus? If not can you tell whomever buys it for you to not buy it anymore? Also can you replace your snus holding device with something else? Maybe you can get some help cleaning to freshen things up in your home and remove any remnants of snus that could be lingering about your home.

Also go take a trip back to my post https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/thread/28286-a-hello-and-misc-information#comment-265434 which references some other places you can go on the community get distractions.

Feel free to post also in Community Help‌ if you're having a problem with the functionality of the site as it relates to your screen reader so I can try to help assist and make the experience for you on the site better. 

When we move the community later this year I hope that we'll be in a better place accessibility wise to also accommodate your needs.

Mark
EX Community Manager

[elvan]

I am so sorry that you are struggling & that you slipped. Please don’t beat yourself up, do the reading, make a plan & KNOW that smoking really will not help with anything. It takes a while to believe that but it’s absolutely true!

Ellen

[MusicalHobbit]

well, to be honest, I had some leftover snus pouches that I didn't get rid of. I did distract myself for awhile though, went out on the front porch and did stuff on the tablet. But then when i came in the house, I remembered i had those leftovers and I couldn't take it anymore. When I went outside, I had a piece of spearmint gum, and that did help. I should have just chewed another piece of gum after I came in the house.

The stuff that was stressing me this morning was this. Without going into too much detail, I live with my boyfriend.. But my boyfriend and i are both consentually nonmonogamous. i have some other romantic partners in other parts of the world, and one of my overseas partners is not too good at communicating. i've told him due to my bpd and things that he should really work on communicating. I understand that he is a Russian man, he communicates wonderfully when he does. But he still doesn't always remember to and this year it's been sometimes a month in between when we would speak to each other. So it causes a lot of anxiety.

Yes his english is great.

i still do feel stressed, but was speaking to a friend earlier about interesting things so that helped calm some of it down. Also went back outside and am not really craving anymore, haven't since about noon.

Thanks for your post, even though it was a bit of tough love sometimes someone being frank can help.

Lots of hugs.

[MusicalHobbit]

i tried to get a sooner appointment than i already had for 3 Sept, but I couldn't get anything much sooner than that. I am hoping that that will come sooner than later. But the days pass by as quickly as they can. heh.

i have some online friends who are also supporting me, so that is good. they try to be around as much as they can. the one who is the most supportive, one from England, also has work so he is around in his evening when he can be.

Hugs to you.

[CommunityAdmin]

MusicalHobbit‌

Appreciate you sharing. I find human behavior very fascinating and even when people have different values that doesn't mean people should be judged for being different. People all approach things in different ways. A new way either reshapes your approach or confirms your approach until the next thing comes along and you re-evaluate.  

Once I did an exercise with my kids where they needed to explicitly tell me every step to a very granular detail to pick up a plate from the counter and set it down on the table and sit in the chair in front of the plate. I told them I would only do the steps they told me and I wouldn't assume anything. They started out by giving me very generic instructions but found out that I wouldn't perform any movements unless they told me exactly and completely which body parts to move and in what distance and direction. They realized how many steps it took to do such a seemingly simple task.  I think we were over 150 steps/directions by the time I got seated in the chair and the counter wasn't even 10 feet from the table.

This exercise taught them a couple valuable things. Two I'll mention. 1. They were more appreciative to be able to do all the things they do on a daily basis without much thought. 2. Their awareness was increased. Both of these they took for granted and now they fortunately look at the world in a different view.

Coming to the community can be a similar exercise. Writing down things to a granular level can really help you reflect on your actions. This exercise also lead to improved story writing by one of my sons and also some collaborative writing with him where he wrote a paragraph and then I wrote a paragraph and we passed it back and forth for nearly a month. Later that school year he was selected to be a representative for his entire school at a state writing competition. 

Mark

[YoungAtHeart]

MusicalHobbit      Lots of hugs back!

[Thomas3.20.2010]

We are all  cheering you on! A basic rule for quitting - make it as hard to cheat as it is to quit - no stashes! I learned from the school of hard knocks too! Now I have 10 years nicotine- free! You can do this!

[SMILINACCOUNTNT]

Sorry you've had a rough day. I too had one in the early days of my quit - but I admitted it, felt worse after than I did before, and didn't use it as an excuse to just have more that day since I already had one. I just picked up my quit again immediately. This was the best option for me because I have the tendency to get in my own head and beat myself up for things way longer than the situation warrants. So I just didn't make myself feel bad about it and moved on, lesson learned. Do you journal? I have found that useful (not just while quitting). Just to write it out and get it out (so I don't sit and stew!), but no one else sees it. Let's me get all the crazy, go in circles, make no sense thoughts out so they don't just keep swirling around up there. Keep going with your quit - all the problems will be there whether you use snus or not, so might as well not and have that be one less worry (health, money, whatever your reason is). 

[maryfreecig]

I wasn't sure about quitting at times during mt 35 plus smoking career (ur, I mean addiction). Eventually I did at age 54 in 2013.  Until that time, what was really going on was that I did not believe that I could quit. Deep down inside I felt consigned to a life of smoking, a premature death from lung cancer and so on. When I did quit, I thought I was too old to change...

My fears were just that. I'm glad I quit, but I do remember feeling no confidence early on. Quitting wasn't transactional  for me, it was me facing my fears--so scary!!! 

Your quit is for you, on your say so, in your time. Ex is here to give you the room and time to find that.