I just want to vent

[enigmatik2]

So I just gotta vent. It seems that there are ZERO quitters who feel like I feel, so I'm not writing this for anyone else. I am so totally miserable and frustrated, though, so I wanna write it and get it out of my head.

So today is day 70 without a cigarette and makes 8 weeks without any form of nicotine. I belong to Quitnet so I go there and read posts and everyone's like "Oh I'm so glad to be a non-smoker!" and (even though they've only been quit for 1-2 weeks), "Eww - I smelled cigarette smoke today and it STUNK something terrible!".  I read that stuff and I'm just like, "Seriously??" My quit is NOTHING like their quits, apparently. I'll tell you how my quit is....

For me, it has been 70 long, miserable days of nothing but PURE TORTURE and it has not gotten better at all. In fact, the more time goes by, the harder it gets, the more I suffer, and the harder it is to prevent myself from from going to go buy a pack.  Every single minute of every day I am always thinking about how badly I want to smoke a cigarette.  And that is SERIOUSLY getting old.  I'm quite tired of it.

Of course they say "distract yourself". I know a big problem is that I'm out of work right now and all I do is sit in the house all day long - thinking of how badly I want a cigarette. So everyday I go out - I walk in the park, I walk around the mall, etc. I still think about how bad I want to smoke though. No matter where I am or what I'm doing.

"Remind yourself why you quit" they say. Well, I loved smoking. I quit because I have no job and can't afford to buy them anymore.  And I don't want bad health problems from smoking. But that does not make me NOT WANT TO SMOKE ALL DAY EVERY DAY!

They say, "Read Allan Carr's book". I read it twice.

Two days ago, I went to go eat at Hometown Buffet. As soon as I got out of my car, I could smell cigarette smoke. It smelled SO GOOD I could've just melted right then and there. So I just said out loud, "Oh man I smell a cigarette!". I walked around the corner and there was a guy sitting on the bench smoking a cigarette. He had heard me and he said, "Yep. That's me". I said, "Oh. I quit 2 months ago but I miss it and that smells sooo good. Can I sit next to you and smell it?" He said "Yeah", so I sat down and smelled it while he smoked the whole thing.

I just keep waiting for it to get better, to get a few minutes in a day when I think "I'm glad I quit smoking". There has not yet been 1 minute when I felt that. Mostly I've been angry at myself for quitting!!!  I think, "Why'd you quit?  Why suffer every minute of every day for months on end? Why give up something you enjoy?" I thought since I've been nicotine free for 8 weeks that it'd be tolerable by now. It is not.

I quit for 6 years when I was having babies from 1996-2001.  During that time, I ALWAYS wanted a cigarette. I remember the desire never diminished and never went away.  I don't remember the quitting process to be so hard then. Maybe it was. I don't know. All I remember is always wanting to smoke, so when my youngest turned 2 I went back to smoking.

So I don't know what I will do.  Smoke again or not.  I think I will give it six months.  Maybe it will be tolerable at the 6-month mark. I was certainly a lot happier when I was smoking, that's for sure. But then I seriously can't afford to spend $8/day on cigarettes. 

[JACKIE1-25-15]

 All of you that have had having a miserable quit. Please help. You guys know what to say. All I can say is don't give up. It does get better.

[Bree19]

I'm only on Day 2 and miserabIe myself.  So I'm no expert but I think the difference is I DECIDED 4 months ago I wanted and needed to quit.  I kept putting it off but it was nagging at me and I started throwing away half-smoked VERY EXPENSIVE cigarettes.  I was retrenched last March but somehow found the money to keep the habit.

I had already years ago stopped going outside during dinner out, movies, theatre etc....only because I didn't want to be unsociable so I knew I could put the thought and need out of my head for at least 3 hour at a time. 

In November I started searching the web for help.   Took me another 2 months to scrape together the courage to join and start asking for and listening to advice.

In your case I think you feel you're being forced into it through circumstances in your life...even with your pregnancies you were quitting for someone else, not yourself.  Until your head stops smoking, your hands will not.

I don't have a remedy for you to start enjoying being nicotine-free.  I'm just wishing I was as far along as you...because even though this time my quit is FOR ME, I'm pretty miserable myself here on day 2 and will be taking myself to bed for a sleep and to give my back some rest...all the time wanting a smoke.  Never smoked in the bedroom - can't start now.

enigmatik2‌ I wish you well and I wish you success.  I think you have to feel YOU are in control of your quit, not circumstances.

With love from a VERY unhappy and frustrated day 2 quitter -Bree

[susan_m]

I wish that I had words of wisdom or words of encouragement for you, but I can't relate and therefore don't have a base from which to draw the right words. I can, however, promise you that I will listen every time you want to vent. You will always have a sympathetic and supportive ear here. 

Susan 

[TerrieQuit]

Hello, enigmatik2  nice vent! You have been down this road before, so I won't sugar coat. You are in NML, a very difficult period What To Expect In The First Four Months You have probably already read this but please try a re-read! It really does get better. Try using some positive self-talk. I think you really do want to quit, because I have watched you try since I came, this can be a reality for you! Stay strong! We are quit buddies this time! You can do this! Holler at me anytime! I would like to suggest https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/community/celebrations-events/blog/2017/02/01/the-daily-pledge-fe... and https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/groups/daily-pledge/blog/2017/02/07/tuesday-s-promise-accountabil... both are very good groups, I participate daily, it helps! If it helps, Quitting is not easy but we can do it together and there are many people on this site that will help us! Please come here and vent any time but please don't smoke!   ~Terrie~

[Thomas3.20.2010]

Considering how you feel about smoking you deserve an extra Kudos for making 70 Days!

Terrie is right about NML.

Have you tried to make a list of things you do like about not smoking? There has to be something! By dwelling on the things you like about smoking you are white knuckling your way through a miserable quit that may fail. Are there any reasons for staying quit? You have read everybody else's reasons but what do you believe? 

Are you even willing to investigate how you could be happy as a quitter?

Give it some thought! The money and health alone were enough for me - but you are you!

[crazymama_Lori]

I remember that.  I had a death grip on trying to "get" through quitting.  I never came to the realization that it never ends.  It just simply gets easier.  It became easier when I accepted that I'll always want a cigarette, I know I can never have just one.  I'm not like Joe Blow who is down the street smoking his weekend smoke.  I'm like like Sally who can sneak one when it's at the Christmas party (and looking goofy doing it).  I'm addicted to nicotine.  Again, I can't stop at one.  It's not the cigarette that I have a problem with.  that's my habit.  My problem is I can't get enough of nicotine.  I think once you separate the two and see them as two different things, you're going to be dealing with this easier.  When I was in the death grip stage, I noticed I was still doing something, somewhere that I always did while I was smoking and never replaced it.  I know it sounds weird, but I never removed the association with the act of smoking with something else (toolbox time).  You never removed the romance, the pleasure you got from smoking.  Do an experiment with me.  Think of a smell that you absolutely love.  buy that smell in an oil or a spray, whatever.  Place that smell on a cloth.  Next time you smell cigarettes and that thought comes to you, sniff that smell.  You just replaced the association of pleasure, the calming effect with your favorite scent.  Call me crazy, but it does work.

Just remember guys, this does get easier, but you have to develop a game plan if you haven't already.  A game plan was developed way back before you even quit when you went through the exercises outlined on the site.  The game plan (toolbox) is under My Quit Plan, under the tracking of cigarettes, it's the how I plan to separate.  That's where your toolbox forms.  Now it's the mind game, your mind game.  Get your play book together.  You know you can beat this.  And you know what, you don't have to beat this.  You need to learn how to live with it.  I'm at a year and I still have moments where I could use a cigarette, but it's only a thought, a thought like boy, I could go for a concrete mixer right now, I simply don't act on it.  I might act on the concrete mixer, but that's another story for another day. Hopefully this was some help to you all.

[TerrieQuit]

btw! Congratulations on 70 days! 

~Terrie~  

[John10forteen]

Ditto Thomas... 70 day's with those feelings OMG, Amazing, I wish I had your strength. You've got the strength but can't seem to change your mindset from a sense of deprivation. You've read, studied and heard a lot more wiser, truer, sensible things than I can write about. It sounds like you are going through rough times in different areas of your life (like most people) and smoking a cigarette seems like a relief valve. IT IS NOT... It is another burden, Go for your 6 months, be proud of your accomplishment every minute of every day. You don't think your quit is the same as ours, maybe not, maybe other people with your same obstacles just drop out and not keep trying like you do, SO you are Super Special to this community because of that. It does get easier. I hope to see you soon in the TDC . You will have moments when you realize WOW this does feel good. Please do not piss them thoughts away, they are the gems of the quit. Even if your quit is different than mine, those moments will happen. And by the time you reach the Triple Digit Club, you might have one of those moments to blog about and I for one would love to hear about it. 

Don't smoke today N.O.P.E.

[Jennifer-Quit]

When I started doubting my decision to quit - I read on whyquit.com.  It changed my way of thinking about life and about death.  We are all going to die - there are some ways that are easier than others. 

[Mike.n.Atlanta]

"Until your head stops smoking, your hands will not."

Love it.

Keep on keepin on,

M n @

[elvan]

Well written response, Bree, very surprisingly well written and well thought out for someone two days into their quit.  Good for you...it WILL get better.

[elvan]

I have had quits like the one you are describing...the old "white knuckle" approach.  It always wore me down.  I was never quitting with a real sense of commitment, I never concentrated on the positives...sense of smell, the way I did not have to feel ashamed of myself, feeling my feelings.  We smoked to stuff our feelings down and when they start to emerge, our first response is to want to stuff them back down.  I can tell you that I quit many times in the past...this time which has been more than three years, I paid attention to everything I read on here and I prayed for the mental obsession with smoking to be removed.  I got down on my poor old knees and I PRAYED because I was consumed with thoughts of smoking and I knew that it would tear my family into pieces because it would kill me.  I already waited way too long to quit and I did an enormous amount of damage to my poor body.  I am going to spend whatever time I have left taking care of that damaged body and seriously celebrating the emotional growth that comes with that commitment.  You have to decide for yourself and you are in a really rough place, in my case, I no longer felt that there was a choice, I either quit or I died.  I am not ready to die, not yet anyways.  You need to value yourself and celebrate your quit, celebrate the fact that you have come this far.  I remember reading blogs written by people who had been quit for two weeks talking about how much improvement they were already experiencing in their breathing...I actually got worse because the disease of COPD is progressive and it was already in motion.  I probably slowed it a lot by not smoking but I will never know what it is like not to feel short of breath.  I would give just about anything to be able to feel that again.

I hope you stay quit, I hope you find your balance and that you can spend some time with other people who don't smoke in places where you can't smoke.  That might help.  I am really sorry that this is so hard for you, I remember being there but I can tell you that the regrets I have now for not pushing through are much bigger than the hard times from white knuckling it...you need to find YOUR way.  Craves will not kill you no matter how long they last, cigarettes will kill you one way or another.

Ellen

[Giulia]

Great response, Bree. 

[Giulia]

When you leave the option to smoke alive in your brain, you will never be free.  https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/message/30751-the-possibility-door   If you were on a desert island and there simply were no cigarettes available anywhere, you would stop thinking of them much more quickly than if you knew a ship was eventually going to come to the island with cigarettes on it.  You haven't yet let go of the possibility of smoking.  You've got to kill that possibility and remove that option from your life.  And one of the ways you do that is to continue saying "I don't do that any more."  

[YoungAtHeart]

You do deserve huge credit for sticking to this, feeling as you do.  Perhaps you are thinking that you miss smoking because it DID something for you?  Actually, it didn't do a thing - that's ALL a lie that the nicotine which controls the sensors in your brain tell you.  You felt a quick hit of dopamine when you smoked - but it was short lived, and the receptors soon started demanding their NEXT fix - and on and on and on. The stressed feeling you relieved was CAUSED by smoking,   You might miss smoking because you associate it with certain times, feelings, short windows of wonderfulness.....but you CAN recreate those times, feelings, short windows of wonderfulness WITHOUT cigarettes.  A bit of chocolate gives you a hit of dopamine, too.  You are now being forced to deal with emotions you hid from behind a cloud of smoke.

ALL of this is an adjustment. It's not just the nicotine you are doing without.  It is a lifestyle, a refuge, sometimes your best friend when you are sad or lonely.  It's a LOT to get used to. 

A lot of the adjustment has to happen in your thinking.  Perhaps you might ask yourself when you are wanting a cigarette what ELSE is going on at that moment.  Think about why you allow yourself to sit next to someone who is smoking to create that torture in yourself. 

Can you think of some benefits to being quit?  Perhaps no more feeling like a second class citizen?  Perhaps an improvement in your stair climbing ability?  Perhaps enjoying the fact that people who get close to you don't want to get away because you smell like a dirty ashtray?  Perhaps......

I think you are resenting this quit because you feel it was forced on you because of the cost.  It may have been forced ---- but there are MANY good things to come from it.

I hope you will hang in there.  I cannot imagine getting as far as you have feeling as you do.  I admire you for that.

Nancy

[enigmatik2]

Thanks everyone! I shall plod on. And try to change my mindset....

[crazymama_Lori]

to be honest, that's a stage I think everyone goes through.  Then you get to around 6 months and you think, hmmm, one won't hurt.  but then you think back on how you white knuckled the first 2 months and say to yourself, I'm not going back there.  You see, you and I are not the casual smoker.  If we were, we could stop any time we wanted to.  You're seeing smoking as a habit and not nicotine dependence.  What keeps you coming back to smoking is you are dependent on the nicotine.  Here's my mind-set.  I too love the smell of smoke, always have, probably always will.  I can smell it now and just go to myself, someone is smoking or someone just had a cigarette.  But that's where it stops.  The idea just goes right out of my head now and I go on about my day.  I know I can't smoke because I can't stop at one and I'm never going back to day one ever again.  I didn't like it the first time and I sure as he$$ ain't going through this again.  The first month you fight the physical withdrawal and then it's a mind game.  What are you associating the act of smoking with?  What is it replacing for you?   What can you do in place of it?  Here's a good article which I thought was interesting:  Quitting Smoking Gets Easier. Truly it Does! 

[Sootie]

Hi-----no, you're not that different. But, I suggest you try to do something about it. I felt as you do in my first quit. Although it lasted 13 years (yes---true) they were as you describe 13 long miserable years. Who wants that? 

And why was that? well, I have come to think that the reason was I went in with the mind set you have......"I love smoking"-------but you don't. You only think you do. If you keep that mindset....you remain a "technical addict" even though you quit. Not being critical of you....as I said, I was the same.

Go to whyquit.com and find the articles that talk about "But I Love Smoking" and read them and read them until you really understand them. Because this quit, I don't miss it at all.............very, very different from last time. And I really credit two things.....the articles on whyquit.com AND the support and friendship on this site. I hope this works for you. Because if you keep "romancing smoking" you'll be miserable and you'll go back. Think about this.........

You love?

spending $12.00 a day?

smelling disgusting?

hiding from your kids and/or feeling their scorn?

searching for ever decreasing places where you CAN smoke?

worrying all the time that you will contract a deadly smoking disease?

No------your addiction makes you think you "love" it. You "love" smoking because smoking a cigarette quiets that urgent need you always feel for a cigarette.

Now----at 70 days....you should be getting past that. why aren't you? Because you are like I was....you keep telling yourself it was wonderful to smoke, you miss it so much...you are convincing yourself in the other direction. you are making yourself a martyr.....telling yourself you "gave up" something. Actually, you lost nothing of vaalue and you have everything to gain IF you can change your mindset.

tell yourself....people who smoke don't "get" to smoke......they "have" to smoke.

Try whyquit.com

Stay Strong

[enigmatik2]

Thank you!!

[enigmatik2]

Thanks Terrie!!

[TerrieQuit]

always!