If you've made it to this point in my profile then you have probably read that outside of the smoking issue, I have never really had a problem with quitting anything else that I've wanted to quit. With smoking, it's different. I'm not sure why but it's always been the one thing that I've had an incredible fear concerning quitting and my ability or inability to control.
I don't know if, in my childhood, I witnessed someone close to me struggle with this and that set the course for me or what the issue may be but it is a stronghold that I know I have no choice now but to break down within myself. I know also that it's a tremendous battle that I'm facing and that's it's one that's taking place in the battlefield of my mind.
I haven't set my quit date as of yet and in some ways, that's procrastination. In others, it's because I don't want to fail in what I've set out to do. I've spent a good portion of the past three weeks in and out of doctor's offices and various labs. Each CT scan and blood test that comes back yields yet another round of good news for me to swallow.
In addition, July 26th is the year anniversary of my mother's untimely passing. None of us were expecting to receive the phone call telling us she was no longer with us. She had been experiencing heart problems for years and had undergone triple bypass surgery in April, 2007 however she had came through the surgery very well and appeared to be on the road to recovery. My mom had been a smoker for many, many years and had quit smoking in January, 2007. We were all so proud of her...she did this on her own with no help and of her own free will after over 50 years of smoking.
But to my own story. I have my cloud of confusion surrounding me and I suppose that's what is stopping me from stepping out and setting that date. I know what I have to do. I know what I need to do. I know what I should do. I also know that I don't want to fail. And yes, I know that I'm being way too hard on myself over this.
I have been working on separating myself from the cigarettes and I have found my triggers.
- stress is HUGE for me.
- mornings.
- when I'm bored.
- when I'm at the computer.
- talking on the phone.
I have a really bad habit of letting them burn up more than smoking them, which in the long run is more healthy for me...costly but healthier. There are other times that I light up but they are not as much of a given as these times are for me.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm not sure when I'm going to quit. I know that I have to and that I need to do it soon. My health tells me this. I will not give up this time. Not quitting is not an option. It's something I have to do. I read your stories here and they inspire me to keep on with it this time.
