I have just celebrated my 49th Birthday on December 3rd. I had wanted to be an ex-smoker by then.
I have been smoking a pack a day since 1978, I was 13 years old, that was 36 years ago. These past few years I am up to 2 packs a day. I don't have any memories of what it's like to be a non-smoker.
I have three grown kids, I desperately tried to quit smoking during and after each pregnancy. I tried so many times and every method. But, my brain just won't let me do it.
Recently, somehow I mustered up the courage to face it again. To really try to break free. I did the math and if I put the money I spend on a carton a week into a coffee can I would have $3,521.00 in a year!
So, I bought my last carton on 11/15/14. I took a glass jar with some water in it and put all the butts from that carton in there. It's nasty!
I set my quit date for 11/28/14. I started taking Chantix a week before that and found this website and read every blog. I had a few packs left after my quit date and decided to finish them and then I would quit. Well, Today I smoked the last cigarette from my last pack. I have been fighting the urge to go to the store and get another pack because I know it will just lead to another and another. But, it's not just an urge it's the fear that is driving me mad. The fear of quitting.
I also bought the book The Easy Way For Women To Stop Smoking by Allen Carr. I want to quit, I really do. But, honestly, I found the loophole of why I haven't committed to do his simple plan, I just can't seem to write my personal statement of why I want to quit.
Sounds so stupid and lame. I know I have all I need to do this.
So, what if I found the courage and my why's and wrote my statement? Would that be enough? Wouldn't I just come up with some other excuse not to quit?
I am so tired of putting in so much effort to quit and disappointing myself and my kids, my friends and my family. It really hurts and it really makes me feel so bad.
I feel bad for smoking but it feels worse to try to quit and fail. I feel so trapped.