I never wanted to get addicted, never wanted to be a statistic, but curiosity and a desire to find something, anything, to help me through a dark period of my life was all it took to find myself here. To you, where I've found comfort and some of my lowest lows for fucking 14 years. I can't keep going like this. I am done with you.
Money has always been tight but, I have always made room for you, and I couldn't regret that more. I've taken desperate and disgusting drags just to steady myself, just to wait out a battle in my mind that will never go away unless I face it. It worked to bandage me when I needed curing, but I am stronger and smarter now. I can't hold onto smoking anymore. I've hidden it away from judgement for years, but the care of people who do not want me to succumb to disease and misery were never the problem. The problem wasn't me, either. The disassociation and depression and paralysis and anxiety were never things I had to hide under a layer of smoke. Hiding you has only made you stronger. Hating you has only made me miserable. I have to stop.
This cycle of self destruction is not me, is not my fate.
I am terrified of who I am without you, but not so terrified as I am of what our future together looks like together. I can't let you destroy my body and infect my child. I will not let you take my dreams away from me. No little moment of comfort is worth all that, even in the dark. I'm ready to believe that now. I hope it's not too late for my body, but I know it's not too late for my life and my child. I can't be afraid of losing you when you can and will take everything from me.
I am afraid, though. Of course I am. I am losing a companion, a weapon, a safety. I can acknowledge that and know, still, that quitting you is right. I have fought you on and off for years, failed many times, and now I will fortify and win. Courage doesn't exist without fear. I will not be passive.
Thank you. I am not sorry. Goodbye.
