I have been so lost. When I quit on April 18th, I knew it would be hard, but I was willing, oh so willing. And even tho in my blogs, which seemed like I cried, kicked and screamed many days through it, I totally believed that I was on to my forever quit. But, since I took that one puff on Sept 1st, I have felt so bereft and a whole slew of other emotions. I thought I could jump right back on and it would just be a little slip. But I think now I must not have done as much reading as I should have and my "little slip" turned into a great big slide. (Who sings that song Slip Slidin' Away?) I have been here every day, reading, going back to read about other people's journey, trying to reach out and get advice and support. I did get some wonderful words of wisdom. But this IS my quit and no one said the magical words that I thought I needed to hear. I've been trying in the past few days to listen to myself and find my own way back to my quit.
This is what I believe I need for me: to follow the plan that worked for me before. After all, I did get 136 days in, and had believed even thru the rough parts that I was on my forever quit. I decided to go back to the patches because that is what I did before. Like a ritual, routine, a daily reminder, my "badge." So, this is the amazing thing: I went today to Walgreens to buy more patches. It occurred to me to check with the pharmacist to see if I had any RX coverage. Lo and behold, I had a 28 day box of 21 mg patches available to me, at no cost. [God is working]. I've spent an hour researching cutting the patch, and well, I did it occasionally during my first quit. I feel confident that I can do this. So I will do a few days of 21 mg patch. It might be too much and I will remove it for the day if/when it causes issues. Then I will cut in half for a short period of time....and keep cutting. I will be very self aware in case there really are issues with a cut patch. For me, I do think it is more about routine, ritual, and that will start my day off strong.
I do have belief and trust back in myself, and it feels so good. And I have all of you, my very dear friends and family, for support. Of course you will get the mixed salad of my emotions again, but I am just going to let go and let God. If you don't like what I have to say on a given day, then don't read it and don't feel like you have to comment!! I KNOW that my quit matters as much to me as your quit matters to you. I Want my forever quit. And I want to be able to hang out with my friends here, all looking for the same end result: a smoke free life. It is good enough for me to know that I matter to me, I matter to my J babies, Jinx Jazz and Jett. And I know that I have friends here that I matter to. I sure hope they know how much they matter to me.
Tomorrow, I will put out my very last cigarette, wake up Monday morning with at least 7 or 8 hours of smoke free existence, and I will go forward----onward and upward---from there.
I am not HOPING it will work. I will MAKE it work. Those 136 days of freedom that I had up until Sept 1st, were the best days I ever had! I am reclaiming them. I deserve them.
