Good Morning friends,
Last night I was in deep thought. This can sometimes be a dangerous place to be all by myself. LOL I can drift in all different directions. What I was really doing though, was reflecting on the entire day. Yesterday was not one of my better days as some of you know. I learned something about myself yesterday and it was a painful to digest. When the SHIT hit the fan ands my defenses were already down and I said screw this and smoke? That was not really the train of thought at all. As a result of an incident that occurred yesterday....even thought I was doing the RIGHT thing and what was GOOD for ME and others......I automatically felt backwards guilt and really bad feelings for the WRONG person. I should have felt bad for ME. But instead I actually felt bad for the.....for lack of better words......"invader" on the internet.
My point of this is that this was really important for me to know about myself. GUILT played a major if not the only role in why I chose to smoke. I do not lie so I do not feel guilty that often. And it was unnecessary! It was not MY guilt or my place to feel guilty. Obviously this has been a learned behavior and I am glad I now know it is there. Only way to fix something is to first be aware of it and admit it is a problem. This also though festered more anger that I had to feel this way.
OK>>>> MOVING ON. YEAH!!!!....Today is a new day and I am so glad. It is supposed to be awesome weather here today. I got rid of those nasty smelling smokes that stenched up my fav sweatshirt yesterday. Can you picture how much laundry I do between the amount of times I have smoked and not smoked? I wash everythinggggggggggggg when I stop. I am so sick of this. Last night I felt beaten up by it all. I felt sick from smoking, I felt like crap from not sleeping the night before, and drained from the day. So knowing that this affects my sleep now.....I honestly do not know how others get to sleep at night. I have never had this problem before but I do now. So can you share with me please? I already take sleeping medication for insomnia...sooooooo....???
Anyway, no big Hoo Rah writing about anything today. I have written over and over, read....over and over..... BLAH BLAH! My head sounds like Charlie Browns teacher right now. WHAAA WHAAAAAA WHAA WHAAAAAA WHAAAAA WHAAAAAAAA. It is so busy and noisy with too many thoughts. I just want to relax and not think. When I get bored today......I am going to invade Jonescarp page and write on in all day long because he would love that. LOL he also needs some comments and some lovin........:)
So the cravings suck right now and I am cranky again. The physical pain is bad and I am going to have a word with this new physical therapist because I am worse than before she touched me!!!!! How freaken irritating is that when it has been 2 years!!!!!! OMFH! I think I should heal myself at this point. Anyone else believe in that and doing this the natural way? Holistic? OK, I am thoroughly rambling and having much success at talking about nothing. So I will end with this.....
I am either too thick headed, too addicted?...too unwilling, not ready, carrying out a death wish, too weak, have no self-will, cannot physically do this unless locked up (not a bad idea).........OR I AM A DAM ADDICT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not really sure which answer I like the best.......
Have a great day everyone and thank you all!
Ali
