I'M BACK, TAKING A LICKING AND KEEP ON TICKING, AND... COLLATERAL KINDNESS IN ACTION TOO!!!!!!! ICING ON THE CAKE YOU BEAUTIFUL FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Stac2]

Bit embarrassed re: blog yesterday.  Feel foolish.  Upon re-read, worry made it seem I was fishin’ for compliments.  SWEAR CROSS MY HEART I wasn’t.  Was just hurting deep and wanted to check in w/ honesty, b/c some beautiful family members (Brenda you especially) were searching for me. I didn’t want anyone to worry cuz that’s not fair.  Also wrote b/c I WANTED NEW FOLKS TO SEE SOMETHING.  LOOK AT THE ONE PRIDE I STILL HAD INTACT IN THAT BLOG.  YES, MY SELF ESTEEM RELATED TO LOOKS WAS BLOWN TO BITS, BUT MY PRIDE IN MY QUIT WAS TALLER THAN THE CHRYSLER BUILDING.  YOU SEE, SOME OF MY POINT WAS THAT EVEN IN A DARK HOUR, DEEP INSIDE WE SHOULD ALWAYS BE PROUD OF OURSELVES FOR DOING THIS.  NOONE HAS THE POWER TO TAKE AWAY WHAT WE HAVE DONE.  WE OWN THIS BABY!

Clarification:  My weight journey loss was purposely designed in timing with my quit.  I was in VERY bad health before my quit,  so, I decided to do it all at once.  For me, it was kind of a “do-over” or “fresh start”.  Some doubted me (NOT on here) and said it was too much to take on.  F**k them.  I knew I could do both at the same time.  I knew that if I ate better and started exercising it would help my quit, and that quitting was the only way I could exercise.  So, it was symbiotic for me.  And needed in order to get out of a very dangerous health situation.  Some of you who posted on my blog mentioned some weight gain from your quits.  WELL DAMN, I THINK YOU ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL INSIDE, OUT, UPWAYS, DOWNWAYS, SIDEWAYS.  LISTEN, a few pounds can always come off later if you should choose to do so.  What you have done in saving your life by putting down the sickorettes is LIFE CHANGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And don’t you listen to my situation.  My situation was what I needed for my health, mental health, etc.  You all just be proud of your quits!  THAT is something to be DAMN proud of!  HEAR ME??????????

Clarification.  The Aunts have always been very opinionated/tell u what to do.  I really don’t think they are jealous.  Nothing to be jealous of.  Both have Hollywood gorgeous looks – esp. skirt one – she is like a size 4!  (The only thing they could possibly be jealous of is my education and one uncle opines this but I think he’s wrong too.  I mean these ladies are gorgeous, have plentiful lives, etc.)  My theory:  I think they like to tell me what to do cuz they see me as their own kid (Skirt has no kids the other has a son who moved to CA to be away from her).  Well, Mom passed away in 2006.  So there you have it.  They try to “mother hen” me.  Problem?  NO TACT!  AND RUDE!!!!  They wouldn’t know a filter if it was placed in their lap.  And my Mom would NEVER have said something like what they’ve been saying/writing.  So, all they do is hurt me and dishonor their deceased sister.  Well, what a SHAME.

Why did this hurt so much if they have hurt me in the past?  Because.  I am sensitive.  I am an only child.  When they do this it makes me miss my Mom cuz she would have been upset with and for me.  I try to always hold out hope that “this time” they will change.  The skirt Aunt left my house and for the first time in a long time we had a good visit.  I was thinking “yea, maybe we’ve turned a corner.”  I wanted to hold out hope as I have many times with this person in the past, that maybe she could stop giving advice and just be proud of me right where I am, right now, and not give unsolicited advice.  For a mere hour or so, I was hopeful.  Then came the “after” text.  WHAM.  Utter disappointment.  Here we go again, and this time the words are perhaps some of the worst EVER.  Change, well, it’s not gonna happen.  I must accept that these Aunts will always be hypercritical of everything I do.  And no matter what, I will never be able to please them.  They must find the “few more things” that could always be better.  Glass is half empty.  HOW FU**ING sad.

Will I be able to let their future words roll off my back?  Probably not.  But know what?  That’s just me.  I am who I am.  But a lesson – I must unfortunately lose the hope I had.  That way, next time, perhaps, just perhaps, the sting will be a little less, cuz I will EXpect it!

Further clarification:  I won’t leave this beautiful place omg no.  I was just sayin’ I needed to take some time away to heal/rest/sleep.  Now that it’s a new day I see golly it was worded VERY poorly.  Writing in an emotional fog what I MEANT to say was...  “holy crap I’m tired.  I need rest.  I hurt.  So please leave the light on for me and know I’m here, just maybe not on line as much as usual this coming week. “ (Hubby was super sick Monday night and both of us up all night long with his food poisoning – so you see the trend this week – up with all nighter, aunt says mean things, I’m tired, emotions get all elevated, etc. etc.).

I AM SO MOVED BY ALL OF THE SUPPORT FROM THIS FAMILY.  AS USUAL, THIS PLACE IS SPIRITUAL BEYOND WORDS. 

Now, let me share a BEAUTIFUL Example:

 Am I okey dokey today?  No.  I am just flat tired. 

But I HAD to come here and say thank you for the overwhelming support from you, my amazing family.

AND I ALSO (before I go snoozy doozie with my blankie) HAD to come here and check on some of our newer family members.

So here I came this morning a bit embarrassed but also humbly grateful.  I stopped by for thank you’s and then...I was JUST about to write this blog. Literally just had the keyboard starting to go. Then it hit. One of our newer family members, Mcgettigan, day 8,  had JUST posted a blog that moved me to tears.  He posted it, in part, in response to my blog yesterday. And, on top of that, Joyeuxencore was the one who led me to his blog!!!!! HERE IS COLLATERAL KINDNESS IN REAL TIME.  I came here today, in part, to check on HIM.  Before I go hit the pillow, I HAD to know how he was doing and pay it forward and encourage him.  Like so many of you did for me at day 8!!!!!!!!!!  But here he is, sharing this AMAZING blog, and it helps me.  SO HE LIFTS ME.  AND I HAD COME HERE TO LIFT HIM.  SO, WE LIFT EACH OTHER.  And Joyeux, well heck she has been lifting me from day one and keeps on doing so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND THAT IS WHY THIS IS A REAL FAMILY. 

To read Mcgettigan’s beautiful blog, here is the link.  It is GOOOOOOOD.  In fact, I’m printin’ it and it goes on the fridge!

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/people/mcgettigan