Today I am 3 days old. Again. I am a bit frustrated and not feeling the greatest from radiation and also down on myself for falling off the wagon.
I have had a particular situation happen to me at the cancer clinic that I don't want to discuss here, but let me just say it was super stressful for me. It was out of my control and I could not get a hold of the situation until earlier this week. I finally said and did something about it, but before I did, I broke down. The stress from this situation at the clinic was incredible. I have experienced similar instances before in the past and I guess past trauma can come back and bite us when we least expect it. The situation has been handled and I did what I could do within my own power. It is now with God and I sent it into the wind.
I have what the radiation doc said would happen to me-esophagitis- and -gastritis- from the beam of radiation that I am getting hitting my stomach and esophagus. This is only the beginning and I am miserable. I have 4 + more weeks of this. I wasn't supposed to feel anything until the third week. I am on week 2. I am sensitive to a lot of things so this doesn't surprise me, but it bums me out.
Urge to even smoke now is gone. The other day when I messed up, my esophagus wasn't hurting. Smoking just burns so it doesn't even sound good. Blessing in disguise! It has taken me a couple of days to post this. I have that shame feeling, and loss of motivation. I just have to build it back up....like building a house. I think I have met my triggers now. I can't think of anything else that can get me from nowhere now. I have met anxiety-both kinds, sudden stress, chronic stress, and being overjoyed brought on feelings of wanting a cigarette. I have also had a panic attack in there. Those don't happen often, thank God for that. And I literally thank God for that not happening too often.
Just rambling here. Trying to find my way back to motivation, confidence and knowing I don't want to smoke ever again. I wish they would make them illegal or only sold them one at a time. Something but the dangers of smoking are being ignored. The warning is on the label, but that has been there for so long that people ignore it. I know I did. I always thought it would be something that if I ever got sick from it, it would happen later in life and I would deal with it then. Well I am sick from it all and I am dealing with it NOW. Like my husband says "I'm a tough old bird" so I will get through all of this one way or another.
That is about all I have for now. I hope everyone is doing great. Sorry I haven't been here....I have been nursing a sore throat/tummy the last few days.
Love and hugz to everyone,
Sherri
I don't know, part of me wonders why I even picked smoking up to begin with. I remember how it happened, but as kid, I always told myself I would never do it. Then I did it. Funny how that happens and how fast nicotine gets a hold of the brain.
