Hello and Happy New Year to all my dear friends of EX! I am here every day.....reading blogs. They all inspire me, excite me, tear up my eyes, touch me, and best of all----make me laugh. I am not ready yet to be the Quitter that I know I will be and here is why. In the last few weeks, a new medicine was added to my mix that has lifted my dark burden of depression. Honestly, I had no idea just how depressed I was, I had gotten used to "well, that's all there is.....". At times suicide whispered in my ear, it sounded so seductive. I did not act on it, but it scared me. For a long time, I have been alive, but not living. I was even becoming a bit agoraphobic, only going out for work and necessary errands. In the last few weeks, as the medicine kicked in, I feel happier, calmer, I even kinda like myself a little bit! (lol, self esteem doesn't come in a pill). I haven't spent the last couple weekends hiding out in bed surrounded by cats, books, the tv. I am using the other rooms of my house! I took myself to a movie last weekend. I invited a friend over for a visit. I've done errands that were non-essential. AND, I did the research and finally achieved a lifelong dream of adopting a parrot!!! His name is Jelly, 9 months old, not a squawker! I am very happy about this. I never thought I deserved something like this and now I know I am more than worthy! So I will now be a happy momma to two cats, a dog and a Parrot!! I need to maintain for a bit on this good and happy time of my life. It's only been a few weeks now, each day gets a little better, easier. I know that I will have crabby days and irritable times, and I want to be as healthy as I can be, and prepared. I hope you can respect that. I am not looking for excuses to avoid getting back on the wagon, I just don't want a set back.
On the work front, I have managed to stay employed full time. One reason is that my co-worker did find a new job, which allowed some of her salary to keep me full time. She is happy and for the time being I am satisfied that I am full time. All the issues of bullying and my bosses paranoia remain. I'm dealing better with it now that my darkness has lifted. Her words don't have the same power. However, I WILL be in a very tenuous situation at the latest on June 30th. My boss will not get tenure, her contract will not be renewed (exactly what she deserves). but that means I have no boss to work for, at least with the current situation. I continue to look for a new job, but I am so specialized. To stay in the current lab, I would need to be hired by one of the existing doctors. I think that is highly unlikely. Two, to stay in the dept, where I do have to say I am well respected, they would have to find a job for me, unlikely--but I think they would try. The best hope I have is that a new doctor, that has interviewed here at WashU twice, may join the clinical/research faculty. IF he chooses WashU, I am in in in !!!! On his second visit, he Asked to meet with me. We talked for a long time and we really hit it off. He knew of me for the surgery that I do, and has read my papers. He knows several people that I have trained to do the microsurgery. So, it is all up to him and if he decides to choose Washington University. I pray daily for this. Apparently he is being highly recruited. WashU is a top 10 university. If other top 10 universities are recruiting him, and lets say one of them is in a more exciting city, well, he could just go that route. This is up to God, really. I think he will be making his decision in early/mid February. feel free to put up a few prayers.
I wanted to update all of you, let you know how things are going. I am enjoying seeing life in a new light......well, that's it....there IS light when it was dark and heavy and depressing. I can't wait to get back and it won't be long now. I treasure all that you share about your journey and I will carry all your words with me when I re-start my journey. Hugs to all! Terri
