Day 13 and I am feeling rather philosophical. I don't really know what that means. I'm in a really strange mood. I was out last night until 3 am with a group of Deaf people and other signers, it was sooo much fun. As my Deaf friends might say,"Had blast time." I have gotten to that point where I can drink without smoking and it's a lovely feeling. I'm able to go out to the same social events that I used to and even sit outdoors (who wants to be indoors in weather like this?). With outdoor seating comes smokers of course. One friend who I used to share a smoke with asked me if I wanted to join him for a cigarette.
It's a really odd feeling saying no, I don't smoke anymore. I used to get a surprised reaction from people when they learned I DID smoke and now I am shocking them in a whole new way. It's such a wonderful thing to be in control of yourself and not be a slave to a cigarette. At the same time, it has been brought to my attention that this time of year is triggering for me emotionally. After a friend dropped me off at dorkmate's house, I stumbled in and tried to make myself something to eat. The noise woke him and he came out furious. He asked why I hadn't just been dropped off at home. I took that to mean he didn't want me around. I walked home which is about 3 or 4 miles away very angry and offended. I sent several scathing texts, one of which proclaimed that I wanted to break up. I wouldn't normally text something like that, but I completely lost it. He didn't respond and he still hasn't contacted me which makes me even angrier. I have been stewing all day.
My sister reminded me that I broke up with dorkmate at this same time of year, last year. Also at this time of year, his birthday and mine. I have major anxiety surrounding gifts and holidays. I am not good at giving gifts and I always end up feeling very disappointed about how they are received. Also at this time of year, my father passed away. It was at that difficult time that I started dabbling in smoking again after not having smoked for years. It took years of being an occasional smoker for me to be fully hooked again, but looking back I can see that it was the inevitable conclusion of all that flirting. It actually took me writing those thoughts for me to see that connection to cigarettes. This year, my 40 year old cousin died after battling hunington's disease for years. It's a month with a lot of bad associations. There's a new association that I am building right now and that is of achieving my goal of quitting before my 30th birthday. To Jeff, my bright, funny and kind cousin who didn't deserve the misery of the hand he was dealt, cheers.
