....I bought a pack of cigarettes FRIDAY after 6 months of NONE...I lit the first one and literally had to pull over, still in the parking lot, open the truck door and puke after coughing so hard it made me puke!! My head was spinning and my heart was pounding BUT I instantly broke 19 more cigarettes right at the filter and left them and the empty pack in the parkng lot in and beside a puddle of breakfast puke....my whole body was shaking....HOW STUPID WAS THAT!?I
I had had a couple unbelievable craving days which I blogged about earlier in the month and on Friday I was offered long term work in California which I accepted and soon after that phone conversation I was overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions and got in my truck and drove straight to the drive-thru for a pack. NO CONTROL WHATSOEVER in those minutes and I had done so well fighting ALL the other cravings. I feel like I drove there unconciously and stayed unconcious about it until I started coughing to the point of puking.....are you kidding me? I have repeated NOPE to myself at least 100,000 times, maybe 100,000,000 times in the last 6 months but I didn't say BOO Friday morning. It felt so normal at the window when I asked and they handed me the cute little pack of Virginia Slim Superslim Menthols...that's a mouthful to order. Absolutely oblivious as to what my actions were at that moment and what they were going to bring on.
Yes, I did light one and yes, I instantly broke all the rest of them and yes, I did totally waste $5.45 and yes, I felt like crap for several hours afterwards and yes, I am more aware now than I already was about how freekin' easy it is to jump right back on the crazy nicotine train. I guess I thought a smoke would help me sort out my thoughts and emotions...I know so much better than that by now SO the JOKE was on me, most definitely. Thankfully, it made me instantly ILL. I kiinda wish I would have taken a picture of the mess cigarettes and I made in that parking lot....I'm sure someone was cussing me at some point that day when they walked around with their "pick up trash in the parking lot" tools.
I have a huge winding road ahead of me with this move and a new job but I will never forget what happened to me Friday morning right after receiving such GREAT NEWS and the whole experience has HOPEFULLY made me stronger. It was actually a very scary experience for me and HOPEFULLY scared me straight FOREVER!!
!!..PLEASE QUIT..!! (and don't bother cheating....it is sooooooo not worth the physical and mental turmoil that comes with it.) NOW I can't imagine NOT breaking them all up and actually beginning my new journey relying on nicotine to get me through...I've done that way to long in this lifetime already. Thankfully, I found the right path again very quickly!!
I definitely proved something to me and hopefully to YOU, too. DO not let your guard down for a second....it IS that easy to get caught right back in the same trap!!
I remember a blog many months ago where I asked some of the long-term quitters WHY they went back to smoking after so long and they did reply with various reasons but now I know for myself how freekin' easy it is to go right back to it.
BE CAREFUL and REMEMBER ME and this story when you think about lighting one just to see what it's like again or for whatever reason you conjure up in your head to do so..!!PEACE!!..
