Dear nicotine,
It's time for you to leave.
It's been quite some time since you were unwelcome in my life and it's finally time for us to officially part ways. For good. We first met in the parking lot of my high school back in 2006. Back then, you were the cool kid that hung out with all the loners. You were the one who made people who felt unwanted, wanted. You were the one who made us loners feel less alone. You accepted me for me. You didn't bully me when everyone else did. You were my crutch, my vice, my entry ticket into feeling included. You were so welcomed in my life back then but that time has run it's course. The show, that's been going on for 17 years, has dropped it's final curtain.
This past weekend was my birthday. I turned 32 on Saturday. I promised my partner that I would be nicotine free by then. I failed. I failed her but equally as important, I failed myself. I came up with so many excuses as to why I still needed you in my life.
"smoking and vaping were the only ways I could get a break at work"
"I cut back a lot from where I was a few months ago. That should be good enough"
"Give me 2 more months and I'll quit"
Every. Single. Excuse. made me less trustworthy. As soon as the excuses left my mouth, my partner knew that my words were nothing more than wasted breaths. Breaths that came out of my mouth that she would probably rather see smoke attached to than listen to the lies that followed. She knew that I would fail. I knew I would fail. Yet, I still made these empty promises.
"Well, at least they're not cigarettes, right?" - I sound like an addict. I am an addict.
Starting November 1st, you and I will no longer know each other. It's time for me to meet someone new. Someone that will support me and make me a better person. Just like my partner does. She's amazing and you don't deserve to know her more than you currently do. You don't deserve to be in our lives. You don't deserve to be in my life. The only vices allowed in my life will be ones that make me a better and stronger person both physically and mentally. I want to hang out with sports again. I want to meet new books again. I want to learn how to grow a flower and vegetable garden so every time my partner goes into the backyard, she sees my love for her and never has to question again whether I value her or our relationship.
So, nicotine, it's time for us to say goodbye. The fanfare in this letter will be the most attention you will get from me in this process. The attention will be short lived. In a weird sense, I want to thank you for helping to shape me into the person I am today, but your exit has been long overdue. I will crave you, I will want you back, I will miss you, but you need to go now.
Goodbye nicotine.
-Matt
