Frustrated with Lack of support

[lia1313]

Hi My name is Liana and I am new on this site. I quit smoking on March 16th because I got bronchitis. I was reading the other blogs on here and one thing struck a note with me. I got the same type of reaction also as another blogger wrote. Not one person I know said great job on quitting. My boyfriend who I live with even had the audacity to smoke in the car on Saturday.  I told him that he was not allowed to smoke in the car anymore since the smoke bothers me since I quit . He was very nonchalant about it and said," I didn't think you would mind since we are driving far." Are you serious? You think he would be more sensitive and say you know I understand that you quit and it's hard for you so I am going to be so careful not to smoke around you. That is not the case at all. He is smoking around me and better yet kisses me right after he smokes. I am just so surprsied with his lack of concern and ignorance of how his smoking would affect me. Am I expecting too much? Myabe he has a Iaissez  faire attitude because in his mind he is thinking that  any day now I will pick up a cigerette and will start smoking again. That is not the case at all. When I decide to do something I stick with it.  Yes I have urges but I redirect my  inclination to smoke by doing deep breathing techniques or I go to the gym. I did slip up once. I took a drag of a cigerette but I  threw it away as soon as I realized what I was doing. Since then I have not smoked and I do not plan on smoking. I am just frustrated with the support system or lack of support I thought I had.  I apologize for my venting on here but I figured since my boyfriend is a smoker he would be very proud of me that I quit and he would go the extra mile to show his support for me.  I could see if I tried to quit smoking before and went back to smoking but this is my first time I quit. MayBut that is not the case. I am so glad I found this site as I plan to continue to be a non-smoker! Have a great day!    

[froguelady]

Congratulations on your decision to quit. I quit on March 16, 2011 so we have the same date just different years.  I would think your boyfriend is afraid of losing his smoking partner.  He is not concerned that what he is doing is affecting your quit.  I would make it plain to him "no smoking around me".  In time being around a smoker will not bother you but right now I can't imagine being in the car with a smoker let alone kissing one. Ugh! Keep coming here and reading and keep educating yourself on the power nicotine addiction has over you.  It is an addiction and it takes time to get nicotine out of your system and most of all out of your mental addiction.  Have you been to whyquit.com and done any reading, if not please do so.

BTW, WELCOME to EX site.

[Strudel]

Congrats on your quit! Welcome to the site - you have come to the perfect place for support! However, I am so sorry for the lack of support you feel from your boyfriend. Someone here once posted a "Letter to Loved Ones" that some folks have found helpful. You can copy it, edit it to fit your situation (add - please do not smoke around me! - if it isn't in there) - and print it out for him. Hope it helps! Plus - stick around here - the support really is great!

Go to: https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Anacondahead-blog/2012/01/25/letter-to-a-loved-one for the letter. 

[chloe76]

Liana congratulations on being brave!  Stick around here, there is genuine support.  Sometimes when we decide to change the status quo, and putting down cigs is BIG change, other people don't like that. They get afraid that somehow we are leaving them too -- quitting them in the process. Now, none of that needs to be your primary concern. The primary concern is taking care of YOU and your feelings. If it's possible, try to spend less time or avoid people who don't support this wonderful decision of yours altogether. The amazing thing about quitting is the CLARITY you will receive.  You deserve to be with people who want good things for you, Liana!

OK, don't pick up no matter what!  Yell, laugh, scream, run, drink tons of water. Avoid alcohol and too much caffeine.:) xo Chloe

[lia1313]

Thank you both for your response. I have not gone to whyquit.com and I will. I used the letter and printed it out. I plan to give it to him tonight. Thanks for both of your support!

Liana

[Mike.n.Atlanta]

Welcome Liana. You can surely get your support here if nowhere else. Read, read, read, post, post, post...and then do it all again until it's second nauture to say no. We'll be here for ya anytime you feel the need. Just holla.

Keep on keepin on,

M n @

[hwc]

Great job, Liana.

Here's a little secret. Your smoking boyfriend is not at all happy that you quit and will try to undermine your efforts. He's feeling threatened by you successfully quitting.

Look at it this way. He's a nicotine addict, which is increasingly scorned these days. As long as you were a smoker, he had an enabler. Think about how threatened he is by his girlfriend quitting. He's no dummy. That's less enabling of his smoking (like in the car with you) and a stark reminder that smoking is going to be increasingly miserable for him. The last thing he wants to do is to have to quit. He's an addict.

Watch out. He will be offering you "just one" or leaving cigarette lying around. Here are two videos that highlight the challenges in this area with some (humorous) optons for dealing with it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvlAPiZ3lqg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brveK9MYgEw

[sparky26]

Congratulations , and welcome to  EX. Your doing great .

[YoungAtHeart]

Welcome to our community!

You have been given excellent advice for your boyfriend situation above.  People who have never smoked have NO idea how difficult it is - so be gentle with them.  Your bf IS probably uncomfortable because you are changing the status quo.  Remember - he probably doesn't want to smoke - he HAS to smoke!  He is probably just waiting in anticipation for you to start nagging him to quit.  (btw - that will never work...just keep him updated how much better you feel, how much you are saving, etc.)

Let us know if you are using a quit aid so we might better advise you.

The most important thing you can do right now is to educate yourself on what nicotine does to your body and mind. To that end, I highly recommend Allen Carr's “The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.” This is an easy and entertaining read. Here is a link to a free PDF version of it:

http://media.wix.com/ugd/74fa87_2010cc5496521431188f905b7234a829.pdf

As well, read the sections on this site, and read the blogs, responses and pages of folks you think might be helpful. You might visit whyquit.com and quitsmokingonline.com for the good information contained there.

The idea is to change up your routines so the smoking associations are reduced.  Drink your coffee with your OTHER hand. If you always had that first smoke with your coffee, try putting your tennies on right out of bed, going for a quick walk, then taking your shower and THEN your coffee! Rearrange the furniture in the areas you used to smoke so the view is different.  You should definitely ask your bf to not smoke around you.

You need to distract yourself through any craves.  You can take a bite out of a lemon (yup - rind and all), put your head in the freezer and take a deep breath of cold air, do a few jumping jacks, go for a brisk walk or march in place, play a computer game.  Don't let that smoking thought rattle around in your brain unchallenged. Sometimes you need to quit a minute or an hour at a time.  You will need to be disciplined in the early days to distract yourself when a crave hits.  Don't let that smoking thought rattle around your head alone.  Get busy!  Here is a link to a list of things to do instead of smoke if you need some fresh ideas:

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Youngatheart.7.4.12-blog/2013/02/25/100-things-to-do-instea...

The conversation in your head in response to the "I want a cigarette" thought needs to be, "Well, since I have decided not to do that anymore, what shall I do instead for the three minutes this crave will last?"  Then DO it.  You will need to put some effort into this in the early days, but it gets easier and easier to do.

Stay close to us here and ask questions when you have them and for support when you need it. We will be with you every step of the way!

Nancy

[moni7]

Keep at it! It can be totally disappointing when people don't seem to realize how HUGE this is for you. But it's for you. It's yours. You own it. Congratulations, stick with it!

[joyeuxencore]

Welcome Liana!

Too bad about the BF but you quit for YOU not him. You may decide you don't want to be with somebody who smokes down the road and he is surely feeling threatened because your quitting makes him think about his own addiction. 

You sound very determined and that is great!!!

Stay close and ask for help anytime!!! xo

[lia1313]

Thank you for the feed back and responses. I am doing well. I am getting by on not smoking but my knee jerk reaction is to lit up once Im in my car or after I eat. But I have  held stead fast and have not smoked.