Feeling so unappreciated

[Fee33]

By Everyone today my soon to be husband bday today an I been up since 9am to cook his bday supper fried chicken an pistoletes and fries an then a German cake for his bday hes a drunk an he doesn't listen to me he doesn't care how bad he hurts me and I'm marrying him um no I took my ring off an there's not gonna be a wedding at all! I'm feeling like smoking y'all like real bad craving like just throw my hands up an say f it an just smoke bc he's drinking an he told he he wouldn't at all an he's back drinking but doesn't want me to smoke at all but he's not holding up his end of the bargain at all I'm done y'all forral done 

[JonesCarpeDiem]

I'm sorry you went to so much trouble and he is drunk but I can remember food tasting real good in that condition.

Do you know why he drinks. If his close family has alcoholics and he was raised around them, perhaps he has no other knowledge of how to cope. Have a talk with him. It isn't fair to you if you're married to someone who drinks until they can't think straight.

Hugs

I would postpone the wedding for awhile if it were me.

[Fee33]

Stress his job he makes excuse to drink all the time emotions run high an he has to drink to forget also he's a Alcoholic recovering like it's liquid fire to his veins an he's in a drug court program where he does breathlizers everyday an also drug tests and he hasn't did one today an he left the house when I gave ten kinds of hell about me cooking supper an he just leaves an asked me to go with him when I got chicken frying in my pot an pistoletes baking I said I couldn't go with him my kids come in from school at 3 today they need me I can't be worrying about him all the time. I have two boys who r much more important the wedding is off for a year r two.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

When I got married the second time it was a big project to find a place for two households of belongings. We found a beautiful home  to rent. The landlord had just gotten married himself to a woman he had met at AA and had moved in with her. It turned out she started drinking again and we were forced to move 6 months after we had moved in.

[Fee33]

We also have a rent house that I got us in now he's the only one working right now and he tells me he doesn't want me to get job at home with the kids is a job all by itself I said I don't mind working he said noone will be here for the kids like you or or be here for me like you do I said ok Dale I don't know what else to do I do have a friend coming over an bringing me some cigarettes well she was now I told her no I don't want them just because he's messing up don't mean I need to mess up my quit I've been wo smoking for 25 days wo smoking that's pretty darn good. I feel we gonna move again bc he can't stop drinking r I'm leaving him. 

[CommunityAdmin]

Sorry to hear you are  having a rough day.  Glad to see you came here to let everyone know what is going on in your life.  To get a perspective outside your local world.  Congrats on preserving your quit.  Chin up!

Mark
EX Community Manager

[YoungAtHeart]

I am SO glad you realized that smoking will not make any of this crap any better - and will just make how you are feeling worse for having let him destroy what you have worked so hard to achieve.  i am proud of you!

Sending you a BIIIIIIIIG Hug!

Nancy

[Tabbiekat]

No matter what hold onto your quit. You are the one who will benefit from it no matter how stressed you get you have to keep the quit for you. You might search out an Al-Anon group for support on how to live with an alcoholic. In both your choice not to smoke and your choice to love an alcoholic you can find support. Just know you are worth your quit and hold tight to it. Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

[elvan]

Fee33‌ Recovery from alcohol addiction is just like recovery from nicotine addiction, once he takes one drink, he is back to day one. I could not agree more with Tabbiekat‌'s recommendation that you try to find an Alanon group near you.  My husband is a recovering alcoholic who has been in recovery for just under 33 years and Alanon gave me a place to go and people to talk to who knew EXACTLY what it was like to live with an alcoholic.  No one can force him to drink any more than anyone can force you to smoke, neither addiction does any good but they BOTH destroy lives.  I am so sorry you are going through this, saying prayers for you and your kids.

Ellen

[KMC56]

The only words that come to mind is...stay true to yourself and be strong!!

[JACKIE1-25-15]

This is a prime example that shit happens.  Your commitment to not smoking will take you through this drama.  I hope that things get better for you.  Living with an alcohol can be a miserable life.  Somethings need to be taken care of before marriage.  If you marry him now you already know what you are in for.  Your quit and your kids are the #1 priority.   I am hoping and praying that your problem be resolved.  Sometimes the things that seem the worst can make a change in your life's direction for the better.  Do you. Marilyn.H.July.14.14. suggest AlaNon you may want to check into that.  You can not change anyone, only yourself. 

[MarilynH]

Alanon helps you how to deal with living with an alcoholic but I think you're doing the right thing by postponing getting married to him Fee33 because that's not a good life for you and your children and I agree with JACKIE1-25-15 that we can't change anyone but ourselves. ((((((((((Huge caring cyber hug from me to you)))))))))) keep stacking up your precious smoke free days sweet Felicia, you are doing great, I wish I lived closer so I could've joined you for supper. 

[Sootie]

AlAnon is a wonderful suggestion......please follow it!

ANYTIME we question a huge life decision, like marriage, it is a good idea to postpone. Doesn't matter if it is because of drinking or anything else.....your brain is saying...."HOLD ON A MINUTE HERE....WE MAY BE MAKING A MISTAKE!!!" Listen to your own feelings and wait.

And, keep your quit.....nothing is helped by smoking.

Stay strong.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

You have to have some place to go first and a way to take care of the kids. Don't jump the gun. Gain perspective for awhile. Talk with him. Find out if marriage would be a good thing for both of you.     

[Fee33]

Dale this isn't his house it does not have his name on the lease he just lives here so he will be leaving if anything not me an my kids I learned my lesson years ago with exes who just get mad an kick someone out their house uh I will not be on the road they will and he's my ex-husband I divorced in 2014 an we got back together this year its been three years we been divorced an got back together I thought for a second we can make us work bc he's off drugs now his addiction is alcohol he's been clean for 3 months from Alcohol an just relaspe after relaspe so again I don't see any positive coming out of this whole situation js

[Posamari]

Fee... please don't allow his actions to influence you to smoke. You're a strong person!  I know its a toughie when you're stressed out and just want a smoke. I can wholly relate on that.  You've been doing so well with your quit and we're all behind you 100% to help support you with your quit.  In a few weeks you'll have more of an idea which direction you'll be going and so glad you didn't pick up that cigarette. But if you do smoke you'll have regrets and it won't change your situation one iota. We're all rooting for you!!!

[Posamari]

P.S. I had to google pistoletes. Sounds interesting and a bit complicated and time consuming to cook too. A cajun dish.  So impressed! That's one heck of a dinner you prepared! You and the kids enjoy it!

[elvan]

Fee33‌ I thought of you all night, I had countless evenings and nights filled with disappointments when my husband drank.  I hoped and prayed that he would stay sober...now, it has been close to 33 years, Alanon got me through many rough spots at the beginning of his sobriety and they taught me to concentrate on myself and not him.  It really made a difference.  His fifth time in detox and then rehab, when he was released, we lived together pretty much like a brother and sister or roommates.  SLOWLY, things got better...obviously because a year and a half after he got sober, our son was born.  It was a struggle, Alanon was as much of a lifesaver to me then as EX has been to me now.

Be blessed.

Ellen

[Thomas3.20.2010]

Nobody but the Addict is responsible for his actions!

Nothing you say, nothing you do, nothing you didn't say, nothing you didn't do - absolutely nothing you are responsible for caused your man to drink! HE chose to drink! He knew that he would relapse! He didn't care! Bottom line his alcohol was more important than your children, you, even himself! The alcohol won! Past behavior is a great predictor of future behavior! 

Felicia, you say that you are an enabler! Well, learn how to make different choices! You can change! You can set an example for your children! Will it be hard? Very, very hard - but doable! You have to recognize that you, too, have an addiction - to toxic relationships! And you know what we do with addictions we stop - not 50%, not 75% - we quit 100% of the time! Every second of every minute of every day! We learn new ways to navigate in the world without our addiction - and we stay away from our triggers!

Recovery means unhooking from your addiction, any addiction, and hooking onto a new different lifestyle. That includes enabling! Don't wait for him to decide - YOU DECIDE for you and for your children! Unhook from your addiction of enablement! You can do this! Get with other folks who are learning to escape from enabling alcohol and abuse and learn all you can about enablement and how to detach from toxicity!

We're here for you!

[Fee33]

Your so right that's all I can say on this! I needed to hear all of this I was told I am addicted to toxic relationships it's like they just follow me when they see me an attach theirself to me an my kids. 

[Fee33]

I got some sleep my sweet Ellen I know it's a long road ahead of me I do know that but something is going to change r he's gonna end up behind bars I feel it coming idk why I do but I do it's hurtful to me but he's never gonna stop drinking even when he wants to stop he doesn't know how to stop he does but doesn't use the AA tools he doesn't read his book etc. But I'm spending this day with my kids I'll be back later on I love all of y'all. And thank you for praying for us..prayers do go along way indeed. Have a bless Saturday

[Sandy-9-17-17]

AND...Fee.....You and I are going to become Elders one day!  Don't you leave me hanging girl!   You are strong to get through this many days!  Keep on rockin it!  There is no EXcuse to smoke, it is all an addiction!  Leave it behind you!  

Postpone the wedding, work things out before taking that step my friend! 

You do NOT want to have to start all over!  

Hugs to you my friend!  

Sandy 34 DOF

[elvan]

The most important thing I hung onto in the beginning as the three C's.  YOU didn't CAUSE it, YOU can't CONTROL it, and most importantly...YOU can't CURE it.  You need to take care of YOU and you need to take care of those kids.  As you get stronger, you will likely find that his addiction feels threatened, I cannot tell you what direction that will go in but PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE take care of yourself, first and foremost.

XO,

Ellen