Fear of failure

[cpsono]

After 105 days, I'm still not feeling very strong in my quit.  I hesitated to write this blog because I don't want to scare people who have less time than I do.  This has been my first serious attempt at quitting.  In previous attempts, I may have made it three days at the most.  Everytime I see someone relapsing on this site, I get terrified.  My mind goes to this place: "why am I so special that this first serious attempt could be my forever quit"?  I also understand that this is my addiction speaking to me and maybe I am trying to give myself an exuse to relapse?   Cognitively, I KNOW I don't want to smoke.  It makes me sick to think how my life was controlled by cigs for so long.  But emotionally, this is hard.  I know all the practical things to do so I don't smoke.  I guess I'm just feeling weak today and I'm blogging because it is one of the things that usually helps me.  I'm feeling sad and tearful today and maybe it has nothing to do with cigarettes or no cigarettes.  Life is like this for everyone--up and down even if you never picked up a cigarette in your whole life.  Stacking up my days even on the bad days.    CP 

[Mike.n.Atlanta]

A couple of weeks ago I had a terrible urge. Like you I was afraid to post about it here for fear of scaring members. You see I'm at a 10 year 11 month quit & was concerned that if newbies saw me having urges at this stage of the game they may say "What's the use?" I spoke with our friend Giulia and she penned an appropriate blog about my concern. She's right. Everyone needs to know that we must remain vigilant & dedicated to our quits & protect them at any cost.

STAY SAFE - BE PREPARED

Keep on keepin on,

[elvan]

I remember feeling seriously terrified in the past when people relapsed, I remember thinking that if THAT person who seemed so strong could not make it, how could I? The answer is that while our quits are connected through the support we give each other, we each own our OWN quits, I own mine and you own yours.  I have had some wild challenges since I quit smoking and they are part of life...nothing is ever going to be completely smooth, it is just not reality.  We are always going to have ups and downs and dealing with them WITHOUT nicotine makes us stronger and seriously happier. We are here for you, blogging when you feel threatened is an excellent thing to do, there are many people here who have been where you are today, there are also many people here with very successful quits that are their FIRST tries, don't let that trip you up. You can do this, you are not alone!

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Life is life. We all get things we don't like. All of us have ups and downs.

A quit will be yours 'til you don't choose it anymore

[jonilou]

When I had my "episode"(it is a more elegant word than relapse) 51 days ago, I was afraid to come back here for fear of scaring new quitters but really, I thinks its good to be a little afraid of giving in at a weak moment. My idea since I've been back is to visualize a large steel door, that is ENTIRELY SHUT. I think that before there was a little crack, a little edge of light peaking thru the door and those old receptors latched on! And for a night and a morning that door was wide open!

Now it is closed, latched, barred with a huge dresser and heavy weights in front of it. I cannot get it open. I do not want to open it and it will STAY CLOSED.

Meanwhile, the positive self talk and community here will reinforce that decision. As Mike says, no matter how long our quit, we must be vigilant.

[Barbara145]

I wasn't there yet at 105 days either.  I got there though and you will too.  As they say"One day at a time will get you where you want to be".  Come to this site EVERYDAY.  It is magical.

[YoungAtHeart]

I quit on my first try, too - so don't let that scare you!  Everyone is different; everyone's life is different, everyone's challenges are different, everyone's coping skills are different!  This is your quit and you will remain quit as long as you CHOOSE to do so!

At 105 days, you are still traveling through No Mans Land.  You have a bit to go.

Don't dwell on those thoughts you are having.  Use your tools and get busy!  Take slow, deep breaths, go for a walk, take a shower, play a computer game.  You probably became a bit complacent - but you are not finished your journey yet.

I'm glad you blogged!  Stay the course - you are SO close!

Nancy

[jojo_2-24-11]

Don't ever doubt why you quit. Just think if you made it to 105 you can make it to 106...107.. and so on. It is a mental addiction at this point and we all go through these days, just remember the further away from day one you get the more experience you have at being a non-smoker. My best to you, cpsono.

[MarilynH]

All great advice above me sweet CP, you are doing super fantastic and will continue doing super fantastic with your quit because you are aware of the pitfalls of relapse and will remain vigilant each and every day, congratulations on 105 precious DOF and counting WTG my friend. 

Marilyn 

[TerrieQuit]

CP, I believe the Elders when they say one day at a time and everybody's quit is different. Yesterday, I had a crappy day all day for no reason. Today I have reasons and it's going ok! So for today lets walk together on my steam and maybe tomorrow we'll use yours! Make good choices my friend. You have been doing this deal alot longer than me, so one foot in front of the other we go! You got this CP! Hang in there! And guess what else, You are special!

Terrie  65 DOF

[Deena-A-Yenni]

You can do it!!!!  Drink a big cool glass of water and wash those worries away!!

[Giulia]

If fear of relapse keeps you a non smoker - that is not a bad thing!  At 105 days I didn't feel too secure in my quit either.  I relapsed twice at around 90 days and once after a year quit.  I know too well the power of this addiction.  And I'm glad I have that knowledge   And every person who relapses teaches me new lessons about the fragility of my quit and the strength of it.  When long-term quitters relapse it shakes us to the very core.  There but for the Grace of God....  It IS scary.  It's undermines our quit and yet strengthens it by renewed resolve.  It is a lesson that we don't have to continue to learn through doing it ourselves.  This is lesson we can actually heed by looking at it, not living it (the relapse).

You have 105 days.  That's SUCCESS.  Pat yourself on the back.  DO IT!  Now wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a BIG HUG.  DO IT!  Now repeat after me:  "It's okay."

[AbasKid]

One of the things that can bug me about the site, the people, the blogs is how darned happy everybody seems to be! That got really very irritating to me. I am still not HAPPY that I'm not smoking, but I am begining to think I just may be glad I'm not.

I don't want to begin to feel real solid in quitting. I know full well I am a total addict. If I ever think for 30 seconds "I've got this" I'll be right back to smoking!

So don't worry about being afraid to relapse, or fear failure. That may very well be what helps you get through all the tough times!

Hugs & Blessings

[Legend]

Just keep adding up those days you can do this. I was not strong in my early quit it took time and I went through hell with anger and crying fits. I am so glad I quit now but at first it was hard to see myself staying quit I did not know if I could do it but I did do it and so can you stay positive. I think you are having normal feelings so just take it day by day and you will see you can do this. 

[bonniebee]

I am on day 212 ( I think ! ) around there anyway, and today for the first time in weeks I got a crave like I used to have earlier on .... it was brief.....fleeting in fact, as though I hadn't ever quit I felt the urge to lite up and then I just laughed  inside  myself and thought wow where did that come from !

We must be ever vigilent and protect our quits !

I remember thinking about relationships in that way ...looking up to a couple as though they had the most fantastic marraige and then being disappointed when they divorced ...no point in being disalusioned ( sp ! ) People should not be put on pedastils we are all vulnerable and at the same time there are many sucess stories !

I  try not to let the relapses scare me I think it even helps me when I can write encouraging words to someone who has relapsed .

Please forgive my spelling errors !  🙂

[mudder]

After not smoking for 6 years I started again. Now my COPD is worse ,& I'm haveing to start all over again,and its harder this time because my husband still smokes and doesn't care to stop.

                Been there , done that  ! 

              Mudder