Fighting back tears and I don't even really know why
Not gonna smoke - yeah it crossed my mind, but I know I don't do that anymore and it isn't the answer. That's about all I know right now.
I'm not even sure why I am sharing - so many of you are experiencing harder trials and temptations. I am just having a self-pity party here for no good reason. I guess I am hoping that there are others who have those same days that might find comfort knowing they aren't alone either in it.
So my fiance and I are kind of fighting, but more than that just not connecting - we've been in eachotehr's lives over 20 years now and have a beautiful 4 year old daughter so this wedding in May is a long time co,ming, but not the end all be all of our life. We bought our first house in November. It's a HUGE fixer upper project that we were excited to take on. Ever since our daughter was born we have been trying together, separately to quit smoking. I had quit and didn't start again until she was a few months old - I just needed a break and hated seeing him step outside for a smoke - getting a break. Anyway, we never really talk about our quits and we both deal with it differently. I started smoking and didn't want to derail him so I tried desperately to hide it from him. I distanced myself - stopped touching him, getting near him, went out on numerous 'errands' by myself, worked late/extra. Obviously it didn't work, but he let me go on with the charade for a LONG time. I learned how to be alone in our relationship. I got comfortable with it. Sex - a chore. We did nothing together anymore. We cared for our daughter in shifts more often then not. Our work schedules have really enabled this, but we - I - let it take over.
Now we are both really NOT smoking and we are preparing for what should be the most romantic. close, loving, special day of our lives together. I cannot get close though. I have my solitary routines, my shows to watch, my computer time, my schedule that just doesn't include him. I realised a long time ago I had done the same thing with my Mother and I haven't been able to fix that either. It is the greatest source of guilt and dissappointment I hold against myself. All because of smoking.
How do I find the person I used to be? How do I find the relationship I used to have? I know I love my fiance and there is no one else, but my distance is infuriating him and driving him away - especially since he would really like to replace his smoking with something else pleasurable... Has anyone else struggled with the realisation that they allowed this addiction to change their personality, relationships, etc?
Is there hope?
