Dealing with Anxiety, Depression and PTSD while quitting smoking

[samantha42]

I read an interesting blog tonight about anxiety, depression, post traumatic disorder and quitting smoking. I can understand this person frustration in trying to find someone that can relate to their particular need in dealing with these disorders while quitting smoking. I too am a sufferer of these debilitating disorders. So, I decided that I was going to create a blog about my experiences.

Back in 2007 my husband and I buried three of our children, my brother whom died at 32 years of age from a heart attack and almost lost my father who had a massive heart attack. Needless to say I was a very lost and confused person and I still to this day have bad times with it. To give you some background…

As if it wasn’t bad enough to lose three children I had been told by a physician that I was the root cause of my second son’s death because I was a smoker. Now this, he didn’t just tell me…he threw papers about in his office and had an attitude of it was all my fault and was just  very short with his actions of saying so. Now, I know that this may cause a lot of people to be pissed off but I don’t care. I am sick and tired of caring this burden. Even though I was told by another two physicians for the reason as to why I miscarried was unknown and could have been a number of things I have still carried this burden with me for years now. Even though I have had a hysterectomy because of an enlarged uterus which was tilted there is nothing in my mind that will ever ease what this doctors said verbally and in his actions. My son lived for three days and the day that God came to take him home I held him in my hands and couldn’t do a damn thing about it other than say goodbye to him. Those feelings of hopelessness, the loss of mine and my husband’s dream,  feeling that it was all my fault, that I was going to hell because I was responsible for my son’s death, feeling like I was going to lose my husband and how much misery  and hurt I have given to my husband. That this was one of those things that God will never forgive me for and I have screwed up everything not only in my life but in death as well.  This was the beginning of my anxiety.

For weeks I had to ask my husband to watch me sleep because I was fearful that I would fall asleep and wouldn’t wake up. I would pray and that wouldn’t even help relieve it. All of us experience anxiety on certain levels then there are those who experience in such a heightened level that you feel like you are going to die. You can even display physical symptoms such as….there was one day that I was driving down the road to my daughter’s doctors appointment and I just blacked out for two blocks. I was so weak that I could barely grasp the steering wheel and forget about standing because my knees wouldn’t hold me for they were shaking. The right side of my face, right arm and hand  went numb and started tingling. My chest was tight and I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. I thought for sure that I was having either a heart attack or stroke. So much so that I had to call my husband and have had him to take me to the hospital, which btw…was just right across the street from where I was at. They checked me and of course perfectly healthy. It took me months and several trips to the hospital to see that what my husband was saying was true…that it was anxiety.

After dealing with anxiety for so long and longing to have the existence that I had prior to 2007 the depression set in. I would wake up in the morning and upon opening my eyes say “Why am I still here?” I would pray to God asking him to just take me that I didn’t want to be here anymore if this was the life that I was to live because it was no way to live. I couldn’t even drive my own damn car!

The sad thing is that I tried to quit smoking while I was pregnant and people around me would shame me for not quitting. I even question if some people in my extended family even look at me like I’m a child murderer…even to this day.

I eventually ended up seeing a therapist who put me on buspar and this was a joke because people with anxiety don’t like to take medications. It scares the ever living hell out of them. I suppose that the doctor had the dose far too high or something and I had a constant ringing/humming in my head and I refused to take them any longer. At this time they chose Xanax which helped but didn’t completely rid myself of the anxiety and therapy…well…it was like banging my head against a wall with this guy trying to convince me that the death of my son was not my fault. It was also like I had lost all ability to deal with stressful situations and that left me with only one other comfort (which is an oxymoron within itself) smoking cigarettes. Cigarettes became my comforter, they gave me the strength that I needed to get through my day and daily situations, they gave me permission to relax, they gave me an excuse to get away when I found myself having another panic attack. I am positive that all of these reasons that I used cigarettes already existed prior to 2007 but I am also certain that the dependency for them became more intensified after 2007.

I am a serial quitter and no I don’t believe that it is a bad thing because each time I have quit I learned something new. About a year ago I quit for 6 weeks and I learned that a huge part of my anxiety was associated with cigarettes. I know some people could see that one a mile away but not when you’re sitting directly in its path. Lol I also used an NRT (Chantix). I decided that using an NRT was for me but I didn’t want one that contained nicotine because I felt that I was trying to get away from Nicotine. Chantix seemed the perfect fit for me. I noticed that my self-esteem sky rocketed during this quit. I believe that it was a sense of freedom from what that doctor had said to me concerning my son. Although, I can also say that people keep talking about experiencing that “Freedom” from nicotine and I somehow don’t feel completely free. Maybe it is tied to my past and I need to let go and forgive myself before I can experience MY freedom and maybe that is one of the reasons why I am writing this blog. Just to work it out. Well, that and to let some people in this community know that you’re not alone.

So, fast forward to the present…this time I quit because I was tired of feeling anxious. Again there is that oxymoron because I still get those feelings of being anxious but they are counteracted by the self-respect and self-esteem that I have gained from putting the cigarettes down. In my opinion having these disorders does not make it any easier to quit smoking because those craving cause bouts with anxiety. However, I remember that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I quit smoking, gain the self-respect and esteem, and it starts a healthier cycle that strengthens me as a person rather than the vicious cycle of feeding poisons into my body that create anxiety and cause depression.

When you are dealing with anxiety, depression and PTSD it is difficult to find someone who can relate or understand where you are coming from and that can cause loneliness; which is not a healthy standing for anyone that is fighting an addiction on top of a disorder. Those of us who deal with these disorders need to know that you are being honest, upfront, willing to be blunt and forward, and that they are not being put on a shelf or simply appeased.

Anyway, I could run on and on with this but to those out there that are dealing with these disorders please know that you are not alone. It is just difficult for some of us to face our past and bring those feeling up to the surface and share them openly.