Day 98 - HALT

[schwack]

Out of gas.  Needle on 'E'.  Fumes keep my engine idling long enough to get me home today and that's about it.  This entry is for the newcomer, and for those with some time (not a ton of time, just some.).  If you have 2 days, 2 weeks, or even 30, 45, 60 days, PLEASE I implore you to read this with thought and care and think about how it might related to you.  HALT.  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  Those four things in combination can be deadly to someone trying to stay smoke free.  It is of paramount importance you take care of yourselves, or you're no good to your quit, nor to anyone else for that matter.  Bear with me.  This will make sense:

HUNGRY - Wake up in the morning, Karma my puppy FREAKING out.  Daddy is awake!  walk walk walk walk sniff sniff sniff walk walk walk.  Time to get my other kids ready for daycare.  Time to shower, time to dress, time to feed Karma, let her out back... racing.  (really should set my alarm earlier.. so not a morning person.)  Out the door I go.  Kids dropped off, wife dropped off, me to work.  No breakfast.  I just don't.  Right now I should be, but that requires time.  Work.  First am break.. walk (headphones) walk.. it helps.. even though im running low on fuel, mother nature feeds my spirit, and that eases the hunger pangs.  Lunch when I can, when there is time.  I have to make time.  Lately I'm not.  Fight with the wife, again.  Feelings hurt on both sides, SUCKS.  Whatever appetite I had for dinner is gone.  There goes another day with next to no caloric intake.  Not good.

ANGRY - Stress.  Stress.  Stress.  Rat race, work, will the car hold together, are my sons safe?  Will Karma jump the fence?  My jerkface boss.  People at work who are indifferent and downright dumb.  I'm sure outside of work they are nice people.  But not here.  Too many dark clouds in upper management... and you all know what they say about shit rolling downhill.  I walk some more.  I come here some more.  It helps some.  takes the edge off.  Sometimes I get defensive and my feelings get hurt, and I react poorly.  I have all these new feelings flooding my soul and sometimes I don't know what to do with them.  Sometimes when I perceive someone slighting me or attacking me, I become very angry and defensive and I'm like a freight train running full bore and the throttle is stuck.  I NEED to learn to control that better.  I need to breathe more.  Not take things so personal, get that thicker skin back that I had to develop when I first started here.  It will be OK.  I can make a stronger armor and still feel and still care.  To those whom I may have hurt, offended or upset, you know who you are, and I cannot say I'm sorry enough.  I will try to right these wrongs.  One breath at a time.

LONELY - 85% of my buddies were smoking buddies (nicotine, and weed.)  I quit both.  When I got Karma, some smart ass girl at work said well at least now you have a friend.  She's right.  I do.  And I have my family and friends here.  What was that graphic going around a few days ago.  Some dude huggin his PC and it said "I love my computer, all my friends live here."  -- truth,  Wife still smokes, and we're at odds.  Marriage counseling is on deck soon.  Until thien, its moment to moment.  I walk a lonely road.  When I come here, I am no longer alone.  When I look to the skies and see the wonder that is God's greatest gift; the gift of life, I am no longer alone.

TIRED - I work 8-10 hour days, communte at least 1.5 hours, spend about 6 hours a day on EX, spend about 2 hours with my sons, 2 hours with Karma.  Add all that up.  Not much left for sleep is there?  That's bad.  Really bad.  I rinse and repeat because I care so much about others I always put them first.  I'm high on life and being smoke free and writing and making people laugh and smile.  I'm feeding the puppy and my sons and I'm not feeding me.

Creator has tapped me on my shoulder.  I am being told I need rest.  I need nutrition.  I need to heal.  As a result I have to make some changes immediately.  For at least a few days, possibly a week, I cannot be on EX much in the evening time.  I need to eat more and sleep better.  To the newcomers and friends I've made and family I've found with 1 day or 40 days:  I am NOT leaving you.  I am not going anywhere.  I will be on here during the day while at work, I can correspond with you, help support you, cheer you on, and gladly pass on to others what was so freely given to me.  I'm still going to blog, I'm still gonna write that book.  I'm still going to stay strong.  I just really really need about 20,000 calories and about 20 hours of sleep.  I have no idea how sheri does it.  Her strength is just breathtaking.  Maybe when I grow up I can be like that.

Reality caved in for me.  But I DID NOT SMOKE OVER IT.  If you're new.. even at 98 days or I'm willing to bet at 980 days, you keep running on empty, its not good for you at all, because you're no good to anyone else if you aren't taking care of yourself.  I need you guys far more than you will ever need me.  But in order to ensure I can and will be here for you without condition and on a constant basis.  I need a few days to heal.  Dale asked me to look after some of you while he is gone.  I will continue to do so, I just cant for 18 hours out of the day anymore.  I truly hope you all understand.  I truly hope I don't dissapoint anyone:  You all mean the world to me.  If I didnt have this site and my EX family, I'd be screwed.

Stay strong.  Breathe.  Eat.  Talk it out, blog it out.  Rest.  PROTECT THE QUIT AT ALL COSTS.

-schwack