Day 39- More Honesty

[Angel.wings]

When I'm asked in my real life how long I've quit for, I still tell people 6 months. That one half of a cigarette shouldn't cancel out all the progress I have made in the past 6 months of quitting. Honestly, I barely rememebr the half cigarette I smoked. I had no cravings after, and still haven't bought a pack. I think that's something that's been most frustrating for me. I know if I allow myself to not change my quit day, it will be like I am saying that it's okay that I smoked a half cigarette and I'll do it again. But I didn't even get to relaspe fully. Setting my quit day back makes me want to go out, buy a pack, undo everything I've done so I'll be able to say, yes, I replased, yes, it's been this long since I've bought a pack, and this long since I smoked. I wasn't able to feel the benefits of quitting, I didn't suddenly get super sonic scent again and feel the freedom of not having to reach for my pack. I didn't have withdrawls and have to deal with that. I just continued not smoking.  And I am afraid to even post this here because I know I'll get hate, however if I go on and pretend like I'm okay then I'll feel like I'm lying to myself. I don't want to buy a pack, but I want to feel like my quit date represents something.
Quitting smoking was one of my biggest accomplishments of this year. Say I was trying to lose weight and one day ate a piece of chocolate cake. Would that cancel out all of the weight that I lost previously? No. And yes, I understand this is an addiction, so it's different. On Feburary 3rd, 2016, I will have been quit for a year. A year of not smoking with a half cigarette somewhere in the middle. I would still count that as a success based of the past four years of me smoking every day, 10 times a day, sometimes more. And I won't be able to celebrate. And that depresses me. And, yes it is my fault, and this might just be my addictive side of my brain talking, but I have no desire at all to smoke. That part of me died somewhere in the first three months, people smoke in front of my all the time and it has no affect on me. There are packs of cigarettes in my house at all times and I haven't reached for one yet. 
Sorry this is so long. I'm sure I'll regret posting this but this is part of my journey so it needs to be said. 
 

[YoungAtHeart]

I am proud you jumped right back on your quit.  It would have been easier not to do so (and so many people don't!)

Nancy

[Jenny78]

Okay, I have to insert my 2 cents worth.  So my sister tells me she quit many times over the last couple of years but still steals puffs from her husbands ciggarette.  So is she quit or not??  Sorry, I have to say not because she is continuing to put nicotine into her body and has not really quit.  I guess it is okay for her to lie to herself but please, don't lie to me!!  Your quit date should be the last time you puffed on a sickerette.  Just saying.

[TerrieQuit]

Angel.wings, Hello! Haven't seen you for a while! It's good to see you! Congratulations on 39 days!

Terrie  37  DOF

[jonilou]

I guess what it comes down to is honesty with yourself. I'm kinda in the same boat as you. It hurt a lot to come clean and reset cause I know in my heart I'm a non or ex smoker. But one of the newer folks on here smacked me into reality. I'm not just here for me. I'm here to help others. Personally I would never judge you no matter which way you go . The main thing is- you quit! You saved your life. That's what really counts.

[froguelady]

I think you may be mistaking people not agreeing with you on your quit date as hate. That  just isn't true. I believe we can disagee with other people here but still not hate anyone. There are somethings others here believe that I do not agree with but I still care about them very much. I will not tell you you are wrong to leave your quit date as is even though you did smoke, that decision is for you to make. If you believe you did not relaspe it is your right to do so.  You did make a statement that you didn't get to relaspe fully and taht one I don't understand.  Could be I'm wrong about what a relaspe is.  I hope I have noe discouraged you in any way taht is not my intent for I want every quitter to suceed.

Please let me know if there is anyway I can help or encourage you.

[LouiseR]

I am confused.  What does when I am asked in my real life mean?  Also, I am confused by the statement I did not relapse fully because I only had 1/2 a cigarette? In you August 1 post you stated you smoked a 1/2 cigarette while drinking on the 4th of July and reset your quit clock to 7/5 but now you are not changing it or telling people in your real life that you are 6 months quit.  Sounds to me like you are not being honest with yourself.

Congrats on the days you did not smoke.  Those can never be taken away from you. You earned those days.  Never quit quitting but please try and figure out what makes you go back.  Drinking seems to play a big role.  You are so young, what a gift to yourself to make this your forever quit. 

[JonesCarpeDiem]

So what you learned by smoking that half was apparently that people disagree with you about whether to reset your clock.

No one wants anyone to go back to smoking.

Obviously you are feeling guilt. I have an idea, move on and if you choose to smoke again, promise yourself you will reset.

[Breakinchains]

Why do you still have cigarettes in your house? Does someone else who lives there smoke? 

[Angel.wings]

What I am saying is that here, on this site, I reset my quit day. I did come clean, I admitted to everyone that I did smoke the half of a cigarette. So that's that. But I am saying in my real life, as in my friends and family who know me, they also know I smoked that half a cigarette and they also know that I quit 6 months ago. This post was more of a rant than anything else, a way to get out my feelings about quitting and what happens when you slip and what if feels like to have to tell people. That being said, I am not trying to lie to myself or anyone else. I probably won't post a lot here because I want to protect what I have. I don't want to feel the pressure of actually relasping to make my quit count. I don't want people saying "yeah but what about that half cigarette you smoked. nothing you say matters now." Only I know what I've been through to get to this point and I'm pretty damn proud of how far I've come. If I let a half of a cigarette break me, then how strong was my quit to begin with? 
I have not smoked 1900 cigarettes. I have saved $1000. And I have not bought a pack of cigarettes in 6 months and 9 days and I did not let a half a cigarette break me and use it as an excuse to go back smoking. 
That is all. 

[Angel.wings]

And yes, I live with 2 smokers. 

[elvan]

Personally, I believe that your clock belongs to you, I understand that some people feel very strongly that if you take a puff of a cigarette, your clock has to be reset...I would have to agree with Dale on this one...if you smoke AGAIN you need to reset your clock. Then there will have been time between the last slip and the next one.  I think you are the only one who can decide your date to celebrate.  PLEASE don't think you did not get a chance to "relapse fully"...that makes it sound like it would be a GOOD thing.  There is nothing good about a relapse...my heart goes out to you and if there is anything I can do to help you, please do not hesitate to ask.

[linda258]

Sounds like you are angry with yourself and that is what you needed to let out.  Your Aug 1 email took care of the rest.   Trust me ... I understand how hard the first 6 months are  and what an accomplishment you had in achieving that time frame. 

Most of the people on this site are struggling to keep their own quits... from years to one day.   All anyone wishes is that you don't smoke.   The count thing is to help people aspire to reach goals.... NML...100 days, 1 year, 2 year.. etc. etc.  It is a "game like" stipulation to being acknowledged and everyone says great job... and you tell yourself I did it ... never thought I could etc. etc...  It is and was a big thing for me.. I still look at my clock everyday.  Don't think people hate you... they just take this stuff seriously ... kinda like football (which I really don't understand).  You can tell the truth... and take the consequences of opinion .. or you can lie .. it really does not hurt anyone but you.

Behavior Modification teaches to use positive feedback for positive behavior... that is why the daily "keep going", you got this, Yeah, Congrats... really do help motivate people.   positive or attetion giving feedback for smoking, driinking, taking risks etc. won't necessarily help ..... so my point is ... don't smoke... come online and tell people how you did not smoke today and let them shower you with positive responses. 

It is that simple..... just like not smoking... just don't take a puff.

[lois2]

it must be tuff to live with 2 smokers, congrats on 39 days. stay strong Angel

[bonniebee]

I live with a smoker to she smokes in the house and in our car it does make it harder because it is not like you can forget about the cigarettes it is a constant reminder

I know if I took a puff i would reset my date simply because it is the way I was told this site works and NOPE has been a huge part of my quit but i know I would be very upset with myself for allowing that to happen ! So it motivates me to keep my quit !

It is YOUR quit so I believe you are the one to decide for yourself ! I understand what you mean when you say you didn't relapse I do agree that relapse means going back to being a smoker not with one cig or even a puff but usually a relapse means days and then having to begin over with withdrawal the whole nine yards ! (Where does that saying come from ?????)  Anyway i think you didfantastic i think if I smoked a 1/2 a cigarette right now i would have a major relapse !

Be glad you didn't ....don't try to just to prove a point You will only hurt yourself (Bite off your nose tospite your face ! )

They say in AA sure go back "out there If you want  but you may never make it back to try again ! " Many ppl don't make it back they die...... I think it can be the same for smokers many ppl get cancer before they quit again .

Keep on keepin' on what ever you decide. You are always welcome here and congrats on all the days that you were smoke free !

[djmurray]

joni -- I am a person who is determined to NEVER give myself permission to smoke.  This is getting to be an easier promise to keep because I don't want to smoke anymore and during the occasional crave/memory my desire to smoke isn't strong at all.  But I am very empathetic to your dilemma.  You said that here, where there is a kind of community accountability, you are now on DAY 39, acknowledging that the 1/2 cigarette you smoked "killed" your previous six-month quit.  But on the other hand, you are keenly aware that those six months weren't NOTHING.  So you have some conflict which I think is perfectly understandable.  And I don't think that you're lyiing to yourself in any way.  When you are talking to acquaintences I can completely undertstand saying you've been quit for six months because they aren't privy to our "rules" and wouldn't be very interested if you explained it to them.  You know that you didn't smoke for six months and you had a moment of insanity.  You didn't finish the cigarette and you didn't pick up another one.  In my mind that means you had a bad moment in which you made a terrible, stupid decision, and you realized it right away.  So yes, a relapse is a relapse, but I also believe that those six months -- because you got absolutely right back to it - do mean something.  This is just my opinion, but I definitely see your point.

Please don't shy away -- there are many people in this community with many different opinions, but you are not alone and this remains the best place I know of to take this journey.  It's damn hard doing it alone.

[Giulia]

Don't regret posting this.  It's a good discussion - for all of us.  I appreciate your honesty.  It's a sign of honor.  Not only to yourself but to this community.  I hope you ARE still quit on Feb. 3, 2016.  And I hope you smoke no more.  Quitting smoking is HUGE accomplishment.  And you've done very well.  But I just want to make sure you understand why we hold the attitude we do (most of us here anyway), about that one puff.  It's because the majority of quitters who smoke that half a cigarette or whole cigarette are doomed to return to their addiction.  If not immediately, then shortly thereafter.   It is a very rare beast that can continue on with a forever quit after doing so.  So part of our rabid adherence to the NOPE doctrine is to ensure that nobody goes through another Day One.  It's to protect the quitter.  And the attitude about re-setting the clock is also really about protecting and honoring the members of the community here - those who have re-set their clocks.  It has nothing to do with hate, but all to do with love.  We have one interest here - to quit and help others do the same.  Because we're so very much aware of the human cost of this addiction.

To my mind, quitting without accountability and without penalty for smoking even one puff cheapens the journey, and open the option door to future failures -  not only for the puffer, but the entire community.  (And this is not hate either.  It's just my opinion.)    

Stay honest, stay free and don't go away.  You're doing really well!

[djmurray]

Angel -- I am so sorry -- I referred to you as Joni in my post, and it was pointed out to me that it was your blog, not joni's.  Sorry for the error, but the sentiments are valid!

[OxfordComa]

Hey there! 

I went through this, as well. I want to talk with you about shame and guilt- because they are the mindkillers (shoddy Dune reference, because I'm a nerd). 

You determine what your journey looks like. You can still celebrate your year anniversary! I sure as shit did!!! This is the hardest thing most of us will ever do. Be proud!! You have accomplished a lot and you have the right to be proud!

While there are commonalities with our journey's, remember that you alone determine your path and what that looks like. And you're right- all the work you did before that slip? Doesn't disappear. You slipped, but because you didn't fall (buy a pack, or have another cig), you were able to keep moving forward easier then if you had allowed yourself to hit the ground.

Ask yourself this:
Is your life better without cigarettes?
Are the reasons you quit smoking still relevant?

Then write down your reasons, again. 
Recommit to your quit. Recommit to your health.

You are worth it.