We are survivors, all of us, in this battle. The last entry in my blog, which can be accessed below by clicking on Previous Post, saw me going through some cravings. Well, I am happy to say that one month later they are in the past. As a matter of fact, the next day they had utterly disappeared. Not that I don't expect to face cravings, no indeed, I expect to face them with renewed vigor now.
These are not the cravings of my hell week, heck week and so on. These are a different animal. One whose motives and tactics I know. And it is a battle against myself, I can say now. There was no outside entity attempting to force me to smoke one month ago. But, it was years of believing it that conspired to make me a smoker; I believed that I couldn't be hurt, couldn't be undone, couldn't be controlled by a little tobacco here or there. How wrong I was. This loss of control was my big why quit?
As the winds blow in cooler air and the leaves start to drop, I begin to realize that I am in the season when I did quit. The short bout of running that I did in 40 degree F weather that both made me sick– and made me heal!– was one of my tricks. What are yours? What do you have in your toolkit? What have you to lose in order to gain freedom from this dependence?
I can firmly say that I no longer depend on nicotine. The addiction still remains. It is dormant inside of me, ready to flare up at that one hypothetical puff. How do I keep myself from it? What do I pull out of a hat next?
It is no longer my pride in my freedom that serves to keep me free. Surely it does feel good to say that I am free (and I feel that tingling sensation at the thought of the difference in me from a year ago). I feel this far more than any desire to ever go back. But know now what keeps me from smoking is fear. I fear that that having a little bit of nicotine could redouble my need for it. And if there is one thing that I don't need, it is another need to deal with.
Yes, I am going to find ways to trick myself into not wanting a cigarette. I am going to face this challenge with vigor and consistency– without compromise. I am going to do it with support. But, the hard question is, "why?" Even more, why bother? Something's going to kill me anyway, I feel I cannot live without it, I only do it occasionally... There is a swift balancing act in reasoning against consumption. If you do not maintain your rationale for quitting, your effort can be compromised early on.
Set yourself firm against the desire to smoke. Plant your feet hard, and never go back again.
And, so, as the Earth revolves back into its previous position relative to the Sun in its season, and as the sensation that we felt a year ago arises once again in us, I again revisit with renewed vigor and appreciation the reasons I quit in the first place. My success was not built alone, and not without adding reasons to maintain my position. The friends that I have on EX, and my family have played a key role and I can thank them profusely. But, there is only going forward from here. You are in the right place here, if looking for help.
We are all survivors here. And we must recharge our quitting batteries. It gets easier and easier, up and down, up and down. But ultimately it goes up and gets easier. That is why I am still here, and that is why I can still say that I am free. God bless all of you! You are heroes for all of us smokers and non-smokers alike, survivors of nicotine dependence, and the next generation, who looks to us for your example.
Thank you.
-John C.
