Day 17-Ain't gonna get no love from him

[themag]

I finally read the "handwriting on the wall" yesterday and faced the a man I've dated, with whom I'm highly compatible just is never going to respond how I need him to.  I'm nuts about this guy, haven't met anyone like him in ten years. After waiting and hoping and sticking my neck out, he still seems "just not that into" me.

This marks the first time I have dealt with extreme emotional pain without smoking.   I want to sob; I'm 50 and alone, not getting any younger. In the past, my attitude would have been "What the hell. I can't get through this without the solace of a drag on a cigarette". But I didn't smoke yesterday or today.

Would love to hear stories about the 1st time you went through disappointment in love without a cigarette.

[joyeuxencore]

So sorry you are going through this disappointment! Everything emotional seems bigger right now (I am in day 25)...The great thing about going through something this big early in your quit is that once you walk through it you will ALWAYS know that you can walk through anything that life serves up...Your 'new normal' is that even heartbreak can't shake your quit..nothing can...so glad you came here for comfort because everyboby cares...I am 56 and have been single for a while...I'm starting to think I'm quite a catch and I am going to get busy 'being' the woman the guy I want would want...

If he doesn't get your beauty and want to cherish you....kick him to the curb is right!!!! You are brave and strong... xo

[greengirl]

The only thing that I had to do is 1.  DON'T SMOKE and 2.   remember that SMOKING WON'T CHANGE A DAMN THING .... BUT MOST OF ALL IF I FORGET  #2  IM STILL ALRIGHT BUT I CAN NEVER FORGET # 1.   Lov ya GREENGIRL. 8/23/12. 

[JonesCarpeDiem]

as we get older, we start wondering if we will ever find "love" again.

take heart. my stepmom married my dad when she was in her late 60's and she had never been married before.

there are good men out there who have lost their wives at a fairly young age.

by good men, I mean men who aren't out chasing everything in a skirt to prove their masculinity.

rather than be dissappointed in one person, put yourself out there. If you go to church, that may be a good place to meet someone you are attracted to and compatible with.

you will have a much better chance as a non smoker.

DID YOU HEAR ME?

Smoking is on the outs in society.

YOU WILL HAVE A LOT MORE SELECTION AS A NON SMOKER!

[SkyGirl]

Hi, Mag.  I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling down.  I have also experienced the failure of an important relationship (after 18 years of marriage to my high school sweetheart and five children) but, thank goodness, it was not while I was quitting smoking.  I do know what heartache feels like.  It can be awful.

But here's what I'm thinking.  You know how when we are quitting smoking, we have to turn our thinking around?  We have to stop thinking of quitting as "giving up" something good?  Or as "doing without" something we need?  We have to start thinking of quitting as gaining something for ourselves instead of "losing" something?

Perhaps that same philosophy can be applied to almost any situation, including heartbreak.  I've always thought that if you don't like the way you are feeling about something, then you must change the way you are thinking about it.

So, perhaps in your situation, if you could begin to tell yourself that because this was a man who didn't return your feelings, in making the decision not to pursue a future with him any longer, you are not "giving up" a good relationship.  Nor are you "doing without" him.  You are not "sacrificing" by looking for love with someone else.

You are gaining the freedom to look for someone who can return your love the way you deserve.  You are opening up possibilities to meeting someone who is more emotionally available.  You are creating a life in which your opportunities to be loved fully are now far greater than before.  You are no longer limiting the wonderful things that can happen by caring for someone who does not return your feelings.

I know, I know.  When your heart is hurting, it IS hard to see anything in a positive light.  But if you ARE able to flip your thinking around a little bit, perhaps you won't feel so blue.  I'll be thinking of you, Mag.  I hope this helps just a little bit.

[jojo_2-24-11]

You deserve someone that is into you as much as you are into him! Smoking will not ever make anything change but your health and not for the better!

[SkyGirl]

And I certainly agree with Dale that your chances of finding a true love are far greater as a non-smoker.  I'm pretty sure that you have a whole new category (non-smoking single men) of possible partners who may not have previously been interested in you when you were a smoker.  It's a deal breaker for most non-smokers.  But now, you are 50, beautiful, strong, smart AND you smell great now! 

Woohoo!  TheMag is ON THE MARKET, Boys!  Go get 'em, Mag!  xxxooo

[Patty-cake]

Hey Sky, Those are great words about relationships and how to view ourselves in a positive light. Thanks for sharing.

Mag, as said above, you deserve someone who loves you as much as you deserve to be loved. Keep at it with the new life you have. Beautiful changes to come.

[pir8fan]

I am well aware of the maxim "It is better to remain silent, and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt! However, with no claims of EXpertise in the field of relationships, I am going to toss my two cents worth in here!

We all place a value on ourselves based on our own self image! You, Mag, are a very valuable and important human being! And, you need to know that! While your photo reveals that you look young and beautiful, those are not the assets that matter! What matters is the things that you carry in you heart! Love, Compassion, Honor, and Integrity! The rest is just packaging! Your words reveal the content of you heart! You are valuable! And even more valuable as a non-smoker!

So, please, do not waste you time chasing the image of what you think someone might become........one day! Allow someone who appreciates your true value to woo you! Never compromise on honesty! His or your own! If it is the wrong guy, move on! You deserve the best, and only you, can allow yourself to settle for less! Do not settle! We will be here if you need to talk!                      Tommy

[Dakota_Posse]

Hey Mag!

Seems we have some things in common....I too am 50 years old and I have been through a breakup as a nonsmoker....he thought I was too much of a social butterfly and he liked to sit at home and relax (meaning he grabbed the remote, hit the couch and was snoring within minutes) but insisted he "loved" my outgoing personality but now that we were an item, I should tone it down.....so much for unconditional love, huh????

Didn't want to smoke though.....why would I do that????  Quitting smoking is the one thing I DID that didn't require approval by someone else....it was ME that decided to quit, and ME that educated myself about nicotine addiction, and ME who has protected it for almost two years.....no one can EVER take this away from me.  And no one can take yours either.....protect it!!!!

Trust me Mags....Tommy and the rest are right....you are beautiful and you DESERVE better.....hell, you deserve the BEST!  I have a sign posted in my cubicle that says, 'I DESERVE THE BEST AND I WILL WIN'....I refuse to "settle".

And Mags.....you are NOT alone.....you have a whole community of EX'ers on this Site who will never leave you and will be here always when you need us!

Our best days are yet to come Mags.......I just know it!!!

BIG congrats on 17 days!!!

Cindy

[themag]

Wow, thanks jones carp, joyeuxencore, SKYGIRL!, Tommy, and Determined, Patty Cake and jojo.  I was really moved by what you all wrote. Skygirl, I really needed to hear that.  

[tireduvsmoke]

If you really want to be with this guy, why don't you just tell him exactly what you want and need from him, instead of reading into what you think he feels. 

The worst thing that could happen is he says he doesn't want the same relationship that you want. If that is the case then at least you can move on, and try to find someone else who is looking for the same thing you are. 

A cigarette will never change the outcome of this or any other personal decision that you make. Either this guy wants to be with you or he doesn't.

After all the compatibility, physical attraction, and romance are done it boils down to just a few simple things.

Is this person honest? Can I trust this person? And above all, Does this person respect me? If you can't answer yes to all 3, as the say in New York, Forget about it! 

Your self-esteem is going to improve by staying quit, and you will meet other men as a result, so if this guy isn't giving what you need, don't waste your time.