So the end of day 16 has brought a certain level of sunshine for really one of the first days! I am really content with this day. It's been fulfilling, happy, and clean. I have been less tired, less depressed, and really just content today. My wife and I went for a run and when we started it was sunny and when we finished it was POURING! It was fun and a great adventure. As she is not a smoker I have not really been talking to her about the everyday things that I have been going through because as hard as she tries she just doesn't understand and finds it hard to support me (she tries very hard and I know it comes from a place of Love and desire to help). Today on our run I was able to talk to her about the whole two weeks and tell her what things I had been going through and the fact that things were seeming to really turn better. It was not coming from a place of needing support but rather from a place of sharing on a more intimate level and really felt good for both of us. Since I have been talking about Ex and the support I have been receiving I believe it has taken a lot of pressure off of her in an area that she really felt inadequate anyway. It was a really good conversation that left both of us feeling good and a little closer.
Also, over the last couple of days I have been thinking about HOW MUCH I planned my whole world around smoking. I planned everything around it. Planning and preparing for how long I wouldn't be able to smoke, who was going to be there and whether they knew I smoked, planning excuses for the people I had told I was going to quit and then just not being able to hide the fact that I hadn't any longer. Pausing movies and TV for a smoke, interrupting a game night several times to go smoke (I don't know and hang out with a lot of smokers so every time I had to take a smoke break most if not all of the people I was with didn't understand and it annoyed them), being distracted constantly as I tried to hold off on a crave as long as I could but just not enjoying it. Man I could go on and on and on and on and on and . . . well you all get the point and totally know what I am talking about. IT'S INSANITY! Why in the world did I submit myself to such torture for so long!?!?!? Why in the world would I struggle and hate something so long but not do something to change it?
I know I am not out of the woods. I know I have lots of tough days ahead of me. I know I have lots of pitfalls to avoid, and I really know that the F'ing demon IS going to come back. And who knows it will probably be even more angry cause I have had all these revelations. BUT I know that I am ready and I know that I am going to fight now from a place of JOY and NOT depression or sadness. JOY! Finally a little bit of JOY. Not total joy, but a little bit.
Thanks everyone at Ex. You have been a huge help! And I know you will continue to be all through my journey.
