I’n
I’m not sure how I want to organize this conversation with myself that I’m sharing with the community, I’ve said before that my body is just something that I’ve dragged around with me for 71 years. It’s a heavy load, but something I’ve been chained to- not lived in. There are many reasons for that. Past trauma, abuse, dissociation, fear. When I look at photos from my life I see many difficult people. From middle school age until now my weight has varied from 130# to 330#. I’ve gained, lost, gained over 500# in the course of 5 years. I can’t tell you how or why. I’ve been blond, brunette, red haired, blue, pink, green, and multicolored. I’ve wandered the hippy route, the ultra-conservative route, radical, invisible, urban, rural, suburban. I’ve gone in whatever direction the wind has blown based on my fears, connections, personalities of people around me, my need to please others or my refusal to go along. I have very little idea of who I am. Yet I am very loyal, committed, dedicated, caring and consistent. I can confuse myself.
3 years ago Covid came to visit and never left. It has been a gift of unimaginable proportions. My body has made itself known, although I continued to do my best to ignore it. This year I made a pledge to learn about my body. I think I made 70+ days without smoking. It was wonderful. I wasn’t really aware of how my body was healing. I still wasn’t connected to myself well enough to recognize what was happening.
then I made a mess of my medication and went through a tough withdrawal and started smoking again. The first couple of weeks are a blur. But I know about the last few weeks. In my therapy sessions I’ve gone from 30 min at 2.7 mph with a 1 incline - pulse 120, Pulse ox 96 to 30 min at 2.0 with 0 incline - pulse +126, pulse ox -90. Obvious, even to me.
my lungs talk to me. They beg me to let them have fresh, clean air. To breathe deeply. They work hard to cough out the crud that I force into them. They tell me that taking shallow breaths may be easier, but not better for me. They say that the walk from the parking lot is too hard. The tell me that I’m having more incidents of apnea during sleep and I am more sleepy as a result. They are already pleased to have1 day of care.
I told my lungs that I will care for them tomorrow and they have promised to give me feedback.
so very grateful for another opportunity, thank you all.
