If you're keeping track, you'll remember that I gained 4.5 pounds in three days. Lest you think I'm some weight obsessed anorexic teenager from the OC, I'm not. I am a 34 year old 5'7 gay man living in San Francisco, where a nice chunky build like mine is valued in some communities. So it isn't from vanity, but the fact that my blood pressure was shooting up, my allergies were becoming chronic and my asthma was becoming unmanageable.
Yes, the BP, the asthma, the allergies, the obesity, I smoked through it all. Including chrnoic strep infections that forced me to have my tonsils removed at the tender young age of 27, at least once I emerged from the fentanyl fog that permitted me to be a perfectly content non-smoker. Sadly I was also nearly catatonic, but it was the only non-smoking trip I've taken that didn't end in tears.
In any case, when I complain about 4.5 pounds it's because I started this quit at 208 lbs. That's down from 240 almost two years ago and I'm worried more about the extra pounds tempting me to smoke rather than the fact that they'll make me fat.
Well, finally some good news today. My appetite seems to be leveling off. Yesterday there wasn't enough food to fill the void and today I managed to have my usual menu and just one package of Jordan almonds as a snack. I'm sure I'll find another snack before bedtime, but I got in my exercise and didn't really eat any more than I usualy do, pre-quit that is.
I remember that during previous quits, my appetite seemed to be insatiable for days and days. I think the difference this time, is that I'm blogging and journaling about the experience and I'm much more sensitive to the changes in my body, and in some ways I'm giving them room to be. I'm indulging my cravings, except for those of the tobacco variety, within reason. Day one I ate everything any time. Day two, was pretty much like day one even though that wasn't really according to the plan. But as my cigarette cravings have subsided, so have my food cravings.
Today I had far fewer thoughts about having a smoke and correspondingly fewer thoughts about having a snickers. Sadly, with my cravings and my appetite receding they seem to have taken my impulse control with them. Like posting on facebook in Spanish. Now I do consider myself a Spanish speaker, but I am by no means bilingual having mastered only three tenses out of the, oh, I don't know 147 that Spanish seems to have. (I know they have 14 and a few others depending on whose counting, but it feels like 147 sometimes.)
I feel, not moody exactly, but needy. I seem to need something from the people in my life, but I never know what it is I want from them. Which has made for some unpleasant and disjointed interactions today made worse because a few of them were mediated via text or facebook.
And if you've read this far, then you know I'm suffering from a severe case of logorrhoea. It's not unusual for me to be verbose, but this is ridiculous. I would like to say thank you again to those of you that have been commenting on my blog. The support offered by everyone on the site is helping to ameliorate some of that neediness that I'm feeling. I'd hate to think how much worse I'd be if it weren't for you all.
