So I am back at work. Back to my routine. After a few days visiting with family out-of-town. It is amazing how different my interactions were with family without smoking. I didn't have to stand away from the people I love and missed, because I smelled bad. I didn't have to sneak off into the woods to hide and get my fix. I didn't have to watch my back for siblings and cousins they may see me smoke and think it was cool or okay to do. I also saw how badly my step-mother is trapped in her addiction and how she so badly wants to "just relax". She has a terrible cough. It sounds deep and very painful. She coughs when she laughs, too. My dad too seemed he was getting sick and tired. He has also developed a chronic cough. He is in denial about the smoking having an effect on his health, but is well aware of his habits' effect on his pocket book. He dips, smokes, and drinks. The problem he sees is a financial one. There are more non-smokers than smokers in my family. I did speak to one family member over the phone that has been in the process of quitting now for two years. He said he felt responsible for me and my sister smoking and someone in the family told him I smoked two packs a day. I have never smoked more than a pack in a day. I told him it wasn't his fault and that I had been smoke free for a number of days. We encouraged one another and he said it is his goal to be completely nicotine free by the end of the year. I remember stealing smokes from him as a teenager. It is comforting to know I am not the only one in the family that is putting words into action. I try not to focus on the time that has past since I last smoked, because it feels like the little nicotine monster in my head says, "Well it has been 13 days since you last smoked. Why not just have 1 smoke to celebrate?" I am well aware that if I smoke 1 I will be back to were I was. It really scares me, just how easily it can be to slip back into old ways. It was sad to see my younger sister smoking. She asked me if it made me uncomfortable. I lied and said no. I guess I wanted her to think it was easy for me to quit. I am the eldest and I sometimes hide difficulty from my siblings, hoping to not deter them from making "good" choices. I pray for honesty in my recovery. I pray for strength. I pray for courage.
