After a very busy, noisy, and fun-filled week, we took our youngest to the airport to return to her duties. The rest of the kids and grandchildren returned to their homes as well. It was disappointing to walk into the house tonight and hear nothing but silence. As I looked around at the mess left behind in the wake of our late Christmas celebration, I just wished that the chaos of this last week could last forever!! I really miss not having my kids all home everyday under the same roof.
I really thought today was going to be a rough one, but surprisingly it wasn’t too bad. I woke up with a panicky feeling and had bouts of anxiousness on and off all day long, but there was no desire at all to smoke. Tonight, as worn out as I am, I can’t sleep. I think it is the ex smoking me trying to figure out how to deal with the sadness/lonliness of watching my kids all go back to their own routines. A pack of cigs used to deal with that just fine, but I don’t do that anymore. This is the first time I sent everyone off without smoking myself into oblivion. I am still trying to figure out what to do with all these emotions besides stuff them down with smokes.
My husband says he is eager for things to return to normal here. I don't know what to say in response to that. I am still trying to figure out what “normal” is for me these days. Since I stopped smoking, it seems everything is new and different. As exciting and rewarding as this journey is, nothing has that well-worn, comfy feel to it just yet. Everything seems strange and new and I prefer that comfortable and “normal” feeling.
I am only about ½ way through NML on this journey, so I am hoping that by the time I come out on the other end, I have a better sense of my new, ex smoking normalcy. I hope to feel comfortable in my own skin once again. If not, I guess I keep moving onward until I find what I am looking for. One thing for sure—feeling normal or not, I WILL come out on the other end of this not smoking. 🙂
In the meantime, I suppose I better start performing the “normal” after- Christmas tasks of taking down the tree and decorations-- both here and at my mom’s. That’ll burn up a few days and then some.
Stay strong and stay the course.
