So, I had 70+ days and I bought a pack of cigarettes. And I smoked them all. I've struggled more this week and yet I wasn't really struggling. However, I was not spending much time on this site and I believe that contributed to my choice. That in itself is not the only thing, but definitely a large part.
Another factor is that I allowed myself to get too hungry, angry, tired and lonely (HALT). There was a lot going on with the house sale of my mother's house. I felt badly that I didn't spend as much time helping set up as some of my sibs. I wasn't feeling well and I had added pulmonary rehab to my regimen which is two days a week of 55 minutes of continuous pulmonary exercise. Treadmill, arm thingie, some kind of seated like elliptical machine (?). My feet keep falling off the foot rests. However, i've been doing the exercises well. I do get tired. But it's a good tired. And I'm proud of myself for doing it. It adds to the daytime sleeping. It just was another thing to do when I'm already so tired.
I have had more problems with my bipap and sleep. Yesterday I went to the supply company again and got another new mask (#4). But I didn't sleep in bed last night so I didn't use it. Fell asleep in the chair while eating dinner and slept until midnight then stayed up all night.
Tuesday was the night I just couldn't find the way to deal, deflect, distract. One of the problems I'm having with my bipap is that for some reason I'm swallowing air. I've been taking a gas medicine before bed and sleeping on an incline pillow, but it hasn't helped. I've tried rotating masks, and that didn't help. Hence my visit to the supply company and I have another appointment with the sleep doc next week.
I've had some serious stomach/intestinal gas problems beause of swallowing the air. I had bariatric surgery 30+ years ago. The last 6 weeks I've had problems I haven't had since the early days post surgery. When they do the surgery and they reduce the size of your stomach and reattach the intestines there is a smaller pouch with a smaller opening. Early days you start with clear liquids then move to pureed food, soft foods, small portions of regular food. I've been eating regular food for 30 years now. But, I've had severe stomach pains and vomiting 3 times. First time I thought I had an intestinal virus then gastritis. The second time I thought it had something to do with the gas in my stomach/intestines. For anyone who has had intestinal gas post surgery you know how sharp and long-lasting they are. What happens with bariatric surgery is that sometimes a piece of food can get stuck in the opening and it hurts like crazy. It didn't occur to me that I was experiencing that after all this time. But Tuesday night let me know for sure that's what it was. I was eating a salad and the pain hit sharp, hard, fast.
There are a lot of things that people do to relieve the pain, remove whatever is stuck. Drink coca-cola (acid and carbonation are supposed to help move things). Walking. Yoga positions (downward dog and that bridge back bend kind of thing). Meat tenderizer or some kind of papaya or pineapple enzyme in water. Small sips. So I did most of those things, but I didn't have any meat tenderizer or enzymes. I made myself vomit and I'd have a tiny bit of relief then it would amp up again. 6 hours later I was at the end of my rope. As I was forcing myself to walk, jump, vomit I found myself at the gas station at1:30 am and I bought cigarettes. It seemed a better choice than the ER. A combination fo being tired, angry with myself for not being able to do things, extreme pain, exhaustion and fear led me to think that if I was going to die, then smoking would at least keep me company. It did that. But served no purpose beyond that.
When I get these things going to the emergency room is an option, but because of my past medical history and multiple major abdominal surgeries there is not much they can do for me except put me on drugs for pain (not narcotics because they tend to cause constipation) and IV fluids. I was afraid to do that. Probably because I think that's how I'm going to die - complications from abdominal adhesions and surgeries. I've been told I cannot have anymore abdominal surgery unless I'm at the point of death and not to go to the ER, but get to a major medical center. I was in the hospital 2 years ago during Covid. I knew i had an obstructed bowel (another pain that's not fun) and I went to the ER. They passed an NG tube and gave me meds for pain and IV fluids. The first hospital I was in didn't feel equipped to handle my issues, so they transferred me, but it took 3 days before it could get done because of Covid. The second bigger hospital didn't feel they had what I needed and they transported me to a third hospital (Henry Ford Hospital in downtown Detroit) where I spent another week. So 2 weeks with no food, IV Torodol for pain, an IV fluids and walking as much as possible until some kid of resolution happened and I got to go home. They specialists I've seen for this have told me there is nothing I can do about changing my diet, getting exercise, medicines that can help this and that it's likely to keep recurring.
So, I will have to find another coping mechanism. Something that stops my brain from reaching that panic point. Deep breaths don't work, because I can barely breath due to pain from my lungs pushing on the stuck stuff. Forcing myself to vomit may work eventually, but causes other problems. There's nothing anyone can do to help so I don't want to call someone because I can't talk, can't think about anything except the pain. I can't read or write or do crossword puzzles. I can suck on ice cubes (some debate on weather drinking hot or cold is more helpful...does one relax the muscles and the other reduce inflammation?). Kind of death by a thousand paper cuts. I'm not dealing with cancer, ALS, MS or any of those really horrible diseases that so many people manage to live with and live with strength, grace and compassion. I've just got a cluster of difficult issues that affect a lot of systems and limit my ability to partake in things. I know I should be grateful. Often I am. But when I'm not, I really get down and just feel like I can't take one more thing (so add depression 😂)
So this has been enough times that I'm now adding a visit to the gastro doc to my routine.
I know that I don't need smoking. I've enjoyed being smoke free and gotten quite a buzz off the success I had. Now I'm back in the saddle again. I will remember to come here often, take the pledge, see what others are doing and offer encouragement and ask for support. I'm on a liquid diet again for a while. The house sale is done so that guilt is removed. I'm sucking on my tube (lozenges and gum do a super number on my stomach).
Again, thanks for being here.
