I have to stay accountable so this journal entry is for me or for anyone who may take what is written here to heart who it may help. This may have my religious beliefs written here as well so if that is not your belief then I understand but wanted to say it up front.
So probably for the past two weeks. I have fallen on and off the wagon a few times. I was filled with despair and terrible thoughts of death and dying due to my disease as well as negative thoughts creeping in. I was giving up and giving in. I don't care how many times we stay on the wagon, falling off this thing hurts each and every time, and it can continue to happen. What I have learned is that we must forgive ourselves for falling off, and just progress forward. I am not making excuses, but I can't beat myself up over it when it happens. I can just try to do better, plan better moving forward. Ok, so I fell off the wagon, now what?
I have to climb back on. I have to make a plan, set a date and just carry on forward and learn from my mistakes. . Beat myself up over it for a bit? Sure I have, but it is time to get back on. So here is me, making a quit date again. Which I am going to go for Monday July 11th. Will I smoke for the next few days? No....technically my day is today, but I know me and I know triggers are going to be all brand new again and I have to plan for that. I need to go back to square one and read about tobacco addiction and how it affects our mind. I have a doc appointment to start Chantix again which is on Friday. I have patches and gum if I need them but will ask the doctor's best advice on how to proceed forward. Those are my plans. Plans can derail so I need a backup plan as well. I have that ready for any "what if" scenarios.
I know tobacco addiction can lay low for a while when I was on my good streak of 40+ days. It started to feel good and easy. I have to remember why I picked up that cigarette that took me down from the wagon. This time I fell hard and stayed down for a while. I lost hope and the will to keep my quit. I was depressed over my diagnosis and just gave up. How can I prevent this in the future? I am really asking the question here? How do I prevent myself from giving in to depressive thoughts in the future. I also have this icky diagnosis of personality disorder with depression. I know my moods will change so how do I work around those moods so that I can stay true to myself? I don't honestly know at this point, but I am going to seek out solutions today and do some research online to see if I can find answers.
What happens to anyone here reading if this happens to you? You start feeling down or depressed...how do you deal with it. Just let it take you over and give in to the feelings or do you try to claw your way out? So far, I know how to give in and let it just happen to me and I am so tired of that, that I need to do something different.
I do plan on keeping our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ close to me as he has helped me so much this year. My thoughts about God and looking at our history with him and reading the bible motivates me so I do have God in my corner. He stays and I hope to never ever lose him. One of my favorite sayings to Jesus is: "Jesus, never ever let me let you go" I will say this to him and it is my mantra during tough times.
So, today I plan on doing some online research, visiting the F&S forum, reading scripture, praying and praising God, and just let be and let God work.
