It's been 19 hr since my last cigarette. Since I was last here my life pretty much fell apart including but not limited to, realizing I had a drinking problem, my husband being arrested on domestic violence, my sister-in-law (51) died, finding out my husband and best friend were having an affair, and lastly, 3 weeks ago tomorrow I sat alone in a hospital room, holding my dads dying hand , promising him everything would be ok, and promising him I would quit smoking......and watched him take his last breath.
Somewhere during all this (last 60 days) ...I found myself curled up in a ball on my dining room floor holding a bottle of ativan and wishing it was all over.
THAT IS SO NOT ME ... so I've grabbed myself up by the boot straps ... quit drinking, eliminated the toxic people in my life. My husband and I have vowed to fight as hard at fixing our marriage as we did to screw it up.
Next step honoring my dads dying wish and my promise to him......and quit smoking.
I'm not an easy person to get a long with , I know I'm not and I have issues that are going to take time to deal with, but you have to start somewhere. I did realize, drinking makes me a very NOT nice person. I was just down right a mean drunk.
Time to take the bull by the horns and turn it all around. I don't like the person I'd become and only I can change it. I know that.
Quitting smoking......well is opposite of drinking, smoking DID RELAX me I don't care what anyone says and quitting makes me a very snippy not nice person. I don't mean to be but sometimes those nasty comments just seams to roll off the end of the tongue and then it's like "opps, come back to me"
I will try hard not to do that but I can't promise it won't happen.
I'm under alot of stress and trying to fix a lot all at the same time. my dad said to me in the last few days "sorry you're going to get stuck with your mother" My mom is a toxic , dependant, disabled person and there is NOONE Else locally to help me care for her, so I also have that dumped in my plate at the moment on how to deal ....with only 1 sister living 1500 miles away who doesn't care and doesn't want to be involved.
So here I go, down the road of quitting again. Be patient with me ...or at the very least have the whip and chair ready ! 🙂 Time to be rid of all the toxins in my life, including cigarettes
(it's so not fun watching someone take their last breath)
Shelley
