Apparently things CAN get worse

[zackie09_51214]

Well I have all day been having stronger and stronger NicoDemon cravings, I'm feeling quite vulnerable right now. My mom and I have received a letter from my brother in Texas...He has told us that the living conditions in prison were better then the halfway house. He has practically been stripped of all of his rights and can't do anything. We are trying to figure everything out, So we're going to send money to him once we get my mom's check. and we have to pay the water bill. We will have pretty much no money this month. And I was suppose to be getting new shoes because the ones I have are seperating. All of this is making it extremely hard not to smoke. I'm staying committed. I'm not going to relapse or slip up. Not this far into this, I have too much time invested to mess this thing up now. I'm triggering down into a depression, we did not expect any of this. Don't know if they will even allow him to have a phone. It was so great to hear from him. I'm really stressed because this is a situation that is beyond my reach...now this is when I use to go for my cigarettes. I would smoke cigarette after cigarette. Right now I feel like I have this thing in me, this outrage that I'm having to suppress because I don't want to take it out on others. I don't know where to find an outlet for this negative energy. It really makes me stop and question a lot of things. This is not making my quit easy. It is causing many many cravings. The NicoDemon is knocking hard on my door. I know I can't let him in, no old nic has no place in my life. I know if I took even one puff I would be so disappointed in myself I don't know what I would do at this point. I've come too far to let things go now. But I do keep asking myself however, how much more can I put up with? Living with my dad is proving emotionally taxing as well. I really wish I had more positive news. I've been trying to do my deep breathing exercises. I haven't even really wanted to go anywhere or do anything. I really thought there would be a different outcome with my brother. Nothing was suppose to be like this. I thought i got past the stage where things couldn't get worse...but apparently they can. When they do; when it rains, it pours. Advice how to get through this slump I am in would be greatly appreciated. One good thing is I am 93DOF....getting ever so close to TDC

xx Zackie 93DOF

[Brenda_M]

Kiddo, you and your mom cannot afford for you to be smoking. We are all "a puff away from a pack a day" (TRUST ME on this--I fell for the "Am not, am not!" argument at least half a dozen times), and you just cannot be buying them.

What to do instead...does your dad have a sprinkler? Run through the sprinkler. Get a really good book from the library and spend the day there reading it. Youngatheart Nancy has a fantastic list. I'm going to go find it and post the link here. BRB.

[Brenda_M]

Found it! I remember this list from several quits ago. I used to go through them one by one...I don't think I ever got past 3 or 4 before the crave went away.

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Youngatheart.7.4.12-blog/2013/02/25/100-things-to-do-instea...

[zackie09_51214]

Thanks Brenda, trust me I'm not going to start again, I completely agree that we cannot afford it. Especially now. Since until my brother gets a job, it looks like the only money he is going to get is gonna be from us. His dad is...well there are a lot of things I could say, but im not putting him on blast. All I have to say is he's never there when my brother needs him. Thank you so much for the link to the list. I'll save it! Thank you for all of your help and support!

[linda.mustafa]

Zackie , it is very simple -Smoking WILL NOT change anything , it will make you feel 10 times worse, because you want to be free.

I absolutely understand the situation you are in, these are powerful feelings and experiences to be going through but I do know that you are a very strong and determined person-you showed it to me these past 93 days!!

DO NOT go back , keep moving forward , write about your feelings on a paper , try and do some walking and get some fresh air!

Things will get better , believe that!

[zackie09_51214]

Thank you linda that really does mean a lot to me. I often second guess myself. I do hope things will get better. I'm thinking about possibly moving from Oregon to Texas. 

xx Zackie 93DOF

[elvan]

Zackie,

This too shall pass.  I would not advise any moves from Oregon to Texas unless you have a place to stay and things set up.  It is "normal" to go through periods of time when we are very sad and when we would have reached for a cigarette to push the feeling of sadness away or anger or guilt or just about ANYTHING.  You are living, you are feeling and it is not always comfortable but there are good times.  You are SO close to the TDC!  You cannot afford to smoke and I don't honestly see how your mother can afford to send money to your brother but that is none of my business.  She seems to me to have more than enough on her plate.  

It will get better, the question is, will you recognize it when it does?  Remember, it might be very subtle!

Peace, Ellen

[zackie09_51214]

I might be able to find a place down there. Also this is not the first time we've weighed the pros and cons as we have nothing holding us down here to Portland, Oregon. As to the money, we're sending like 100. its the best we can do. We know it's not much. but right now we don't have to pay rent. My mom has talked a lot about possibly doing a temp move to texas.. It's almost getting to the point of having to leave portland due to the high cost of living. The only thing really holding us here is awaiting to get done with my disability...because once they award it to me...my backpay would most likely be enough to move us down there and have a motel for several months until we found a place. We've been thinking about moving to texas for around 3 or 4 years. And then once he can, we would probably move back here. It would be hard to leave some of my friends, but if it meant I could be with my brother and he would have a decent place to live there isn't anything I wouldn't do. I would make sure we had the ability and funds to do it. I know Cost of living is cheaper down there. like half of what it is here.

[Deena-A-Yenni]

Thinking of you.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Perhaps when you get your backpay you will make that move and be in a happier place.

Life is very tough for you but smoking can make it worse.

[gr8_start]

I agree with Dale. Hang in there kiddo! You are putting up a good fight. Stay the course!!

[zackie09_51214]

Thank you all! I really do hope when i get my backpay (which wont be until after january) things will start to look up. We have to get out of my dads house I know that much for sure. It's too toxic of an environment. You are right Dale smoking would make everything worse. And thank you much Deena and Gr8. 

xx Zackie

[Newfound_Joy]

Pat yourself on the back!  You are doing everything right....you are blogging, you are venting, you are sharing your hardships with us.  Look at your backpay as a light at the end of the tunnel.  YOU DO HAVE A CHANCE to change your life around!

Hang on tight, believe everything we are telling you, and BELIEVE IN YOU!  I promise you it will get better and easier.

[moody_9-18-13]

Never give up. Always move forward. Life isn't always fair, but it is what we decide. You are doing so well under the circumstances. I am so proud of YOU!

[summer-07-06-15]

I hope things get better for you soon.

[Thomas3.20.2010]

Staying smoke FREE improves your chances of meeting your goals. Smoking actually makes it all that much more complicated - and that's certainly what you don't need. PLEASE keep in mind that these rough days are only temporary and better days are just beyond the horizon! Things will get better! Meanwhile, I'll keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers! 

[smorgy8513]

OK Kid!     You know in your head and in your heart that smoking will not make things better.    It won't make your dad easier to live with, won't give your brother a better place to live, won't pay the water bill......you get what I'm saying!

What will it give you?       LESS money, MORE guilt and shame, MORE depression, MORE physical problems..........

There is NOTHING, LET ME SAY NOTHING that smoking helps.

So, that's that........

stay strong

stay close.

Love ya......((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Sharon 374 DOF

[promise_judy]

I agree with the above comments and we will be here to listen to you always.

I want you to know that sometimes when things do seem like they are at there very worst and your going through a storm; you need to realize that you are trully in control, your future is important to your family, and your emotions must not be what defines your life.

Stay strong not only for your family but for yourself!

((((((((((((((((((LOVE YA)))))))))))))))))))

XOXO

[YoungAtHeart]

I really don't have much to add to what has been said, except that I have always found exercise to be a great stress reliever.  If you are physically limited, I am sure you can find things to do that will increase your heart rate.  Maybe lift 16 oz. cans?  March in place?  Deep, slow breathing is another great stress buster....and if that fails, go scream and punch a pillow until you're spent (warn your housemates first!!)

Know that we will continue to be here for you - so just blog and we'll come runnin'!

Nancy

[zackie09_51214]

thank all of you so much for being there with me during my highs as well as my lows. It means a lot to me.