Today I went to the casino with my sister and her significant other. Wondered how it would be going to a place associated with smoking. A very brief flash of gosh I loved smoking and playing slots, and then NOPE and moved on. Didn’t win big, but did come home with $$ in my pocket. I’m going to keep coming back here to reinforce my quit. Not having cigarettes to hide behind is uncomfortable and interesting. Realize that a LOT of smoking happened because I was hurt or sad or worst of all -ANGRY! Anger is definitely an emotion I have avoided most of my life. I could make excuses for anyone’s behavior to me, no matter how inconsiderate or rude or hurtful, and just suck in all those feelings with the smoke. I’d keep smiling and saying I was fine. Covid kind of got in the way of that because my energy got so much lower so I’d avoid situations that might be difficult. Not having a cigarette to use to delude myself into believing I don’t mind hurtful things is quite a change. First I have to recognize and acknowledge the thoughts and emotions. Am I actually angry? Can’t be. I never get angry. Must be withdrawal. Oh, wait -it’s been 33 days and physical withdrawal is over. So what’s that feeling? My chest is tight. My heart is pounding. My body is tense. I want to punch someone. Is this anger? Very possibly. What the heck do I do with this feeling? Recognize it. Analyze it. Is it rational to be angry about the situation? Did I just say yes? Did I give myself permission to be angry? Something terrible will happen if I do that. I might say something that will make someone else feel uncomfortable. Yeah, I just might. Maybe I don’t always have to be the good girl and suck stuff up. Maybe it’s okay to establish boundaries and to feel worthy of being treated respectfully. Maybe I deserve this. Making the choice not to smoke (really i never believed I could make that choice and I’d have to quit by sheer force of will) has had some amazing benefits. I am learning to accept myself, warts and all. Smoking doesn’t help anything. It’s a crutch that I have used for too long because I didn’t think I deserved much. Lots of years of therapy on building self esteem and self love are starting to make sense because I’m smoke free and proud.
