Hello,
I just wanted to touch base. Today is a week since I stopped smoking. It is going pretty good. The last couple of days have been harder than the first few. I think I was more prepared for the first few. I don't know, it's hard to say, because I have had a pretty emotional couple of days, so this is probably why. Processing the emotion reminds me a lot of the cravings. The emotions come and go in waves, and it's similar to the nicotine cravings, so at some point in the emotional wave, I start to feel like it's time to do something. I can never exactly pinpoint what it is...It's just this massive desire to go and do "it." It is to go and smoke, and it feels like I got hit with something hard when it comes around and says...It's time to go do *it*. When I don't do it, it is waiting for me to go and do it, and it waits and waits, until it doesn't want to wait anymore, then it starts raising the stakes...Do it or I will make you feel this...sad, anxious, empty, angry, resentful...whatever...It just keeps at it until it finds something that will get to me...
The difference is that now I know the truth...when it really gets to me, I know that I am winning, and it is trying harder to get my attention. I also know that it is an illusion...that whatever it is trying to make me believe that it wants...it doesn't. It won't and can't relieve my anxiety, mood, or emotions. It just wants me to give it nicotine, so that it can stay alive, and for the first time...the tables have finally turned...Rather, than me allowing it to kill me, I am killing it...and, it is not very happy.
The thing is...the thing that has made it easiest, is that I finally figured out that I don't give a (insert whatever swear word you like here), about it. I really don't. I do not know how it tricked me into believing that I ever cared about it at all in the first place...especially that much...Pretty much more than anything else, or at least there were no consequences I could come up with, to me, or anyone I loved and cared about, that mattered to me more than it...Or, so I believed. It didn't really change until I saw the light...that I do not care about it, and it will not control me. I will starve this thing until it dies, and whenever it tries to rear its ugly head, I will starve it some more. There is not other option. It dies or I die...that's pretty simple. I wish the rest of life were this simple!
Well, so that is where my head is at now. Like I said, the last couple of days have been harder than the first few, but who knows why really. It's just how it is. I think I just want to get it over with, and after I made it through the first 3 days, I pretty much hoped that I would not feel anything around this anymore, but I know better than that, and especially in this first 3 weeks. Plus, it doesn't really matter. However long it takes to kill this thing...is exactly how long I am going to do this.
As always thank you to everyone here for being so supportive. I am unclear what the bonfire is or how the counter thingy works, but I would like to do both...If someone could explain it that would be great. Okay, well have a very wonderful day, take good care, Em 🙂
