50 Days

[travelingman.rick]

Today marks fifty days for me without a cigarette. I want to tell you that it gets easier every day, and some days that feels true. I have resisted working on projects around the house since I quit smoking because I knew that it would raise some serious triggers for me. Projects for me always included cigarettes, it was my way of setting a short term goal and rewarding myself like some kind of show dog when I attained the goal I set for myself.

I learned a very long time ago to give myself my own attaboy’s and pat myself on the back. At work I rarely expect to be commended for achieving a certain goal. Cigarettes were always my reward. Slowly I am relearning how to adjust to this new found life that I am living in without cigarettes. I have to admit though this weekend was pretty rough on me. I wanted a cigarette so badly because for so many years it was my way of telling my self good job Rick, you got something accomplished.

It probably sounds totally crazy but for most of my life I have lived my life thinking that the cigarettes were a reward for a job well done. Now the hard part is undoing 32 years of lies to my self. When I thought I was giving myself a reward I was damaging my health, my heart, my lungs and it was all a lie. I am now being forced to find other ways to tell myself that I did a good job. I actually have to say it to myself out loud. It is weird because I know why I want the cigarette and I know what is causing the trigger. Just getting beyond that though is a tough one.

On some level I feel like the last 32 years were actually a lie, and I think that is what hurts my heart the most, that I lied to myself for so long and that I convinced myself that with cigarettes that I didn’t need approval from another human being as long as I had the smokes, I mean seriously how messed up is that? It was a tough weekend but getting here where I am today and realizing the lies that I told myself is teaching me a lot about myself. I got to 50 days because for 49 days I stopped listening to the lies in my head and told the truth to myself. It makes me proud of myself, and brings me to actual tears as I type this.

There is no turning back this time, I will not give in to the lies or the temptation. I will not smoke today folks, I may fall off the wagon tomorrow, but not today. I am not a show dog anymore!