I had a great blog typed and lost it...I have some free time right now although I know I won't duplicate it's greatness, I'll try to get close.
I spent all of Saturday with friends at a house party. Most are smokers and although I have been with this crew many times in the last 6 months, the indoor/outdoor house party atmosphere allowed me to observe my smoking friends in a different way. I was disgusted at times with the whole smoking scene, yet I had quite a few temptations throughout the day and evening ... fortunately I was able to fight them off. It seemed that some could not even carry a conversation without a lit cigarette, some appeared to be chain smoking and I even watched one gal with two going at the same time. She was talking to me with a lit cigarette and laid it in the ashtray, still burning, (no temptation there to pick it up and puff....lol), she walked away and started another conversation and lit another cigarette. I didn't say a word, just wondered if I had ever done that (?) I also witnessed a "Peg Bundy" in the kitchen moment where a gal was standing over the food with a lit cigarette in her mouth talking with an ash 1/2" long hanging off the end. I just walked away. Smoking was permitted in the house and although I spent most of the day and evening outside, when I got in my truck to drive home the smoke smell on me was awful. I drove with the windows down and still smelled it on me when I walked in to my house. I remember being the ring leader many times to this same crew in regards to running outside at a restaurant or bar with all of them on my heels to smoke. Only a few have verbally acknowledged my accomplishment but that's OK....I know where I've been and where I am now and I know what it took to get right here right now and I really, really, really do not want to go backwards from here....I fought really hard to get here and would rather use my strength to move forward than to go backwards and hope to find even more strength to do this all over again.
175 1/2 days really doesn't sound like a long time to me and initially when I decided to attempt this (cold turkey quitter) I did not have much faith in myself that I would make it anywhere near this far but I really wanted this QUIT so I prayed and fought every step of the way. I am far ahead of the combattive state with the addicition that I started with (SERIOUS COMBAT) but smoking is still something that crosses my mind each and every day, sometimes once and sometimes many times each day, it's just not combat any longer.
I have learned a lot about me, the POWER of nicotine addiction and the amazing feeling of accomplishment when I continue to find the strength to fight it.....initially, minute to minute, than hour to hour, a whole "nother" day, etc.!! Now it just takes a quick "NOPE" or "Are you kidding me" to get past the temptation.
I have learned that I like me lot's better as a non-smoker. I like the way I feel and I know that I don't want to feel again like I did as a smoker, therefore I CANNOT smoke another cigarette or I will be right back where I started. The funny thing is I thought I was fine when I smoked...it took quitting to see I wasn't fine at all. I was hiding from everything in a big foggy smoke screen everyday and relying on many cigaretttes each day to get me through that day.
I like my "new" smoke-free world....everything is clearer to me...my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions and I even feel like I have more time for me in a 24 hour time frame. I have made it through 175 1/2 days without a cigarette and I've handled each day much differently than I would have as a smoker. Some of those days were pretty creepy and there will be more creepy days ahead but I've learned that smoking is not a necessity to get me through any particular situation, ever. It still horrifies me to see how I planned each and every waking minute around nicotine and knowing now the HOLD it had and actually still does have on me really makes me angry. I believe that anger helps me find some of the strength needed to continue to fight it off. If it didn't still have a hold on me, it wouldn't cross my mind and I'm not there yet. I've typed this before and I do wonder if one day and many days in a row will come where smoking does not cross my mind. I don't know the answer to that....everyone is different in the way we choose to quit, the realizations during the quit, the temptations and how we fight them off, etc, but I do know that I do not want to go back and I will use every technique I know to fight it everyday!!
If you are considering quitting, new to your quit or deep in to it...I wish you all the strength you need to quit and keep your quit.
!!PEACE!!
