Rick, First I understand. I know many may not, or maybe some have said they do but I know. First, I would like to introduce myself--Margaret Anne Tolliver, a NJ resident who recently underwent a bilateral mastectomy with a reconstruction. I quit for 21 days, it was an attempt of 23 days but two days I smoked. I went the longest for 9 days...I know it can be done (as do you), but as you query "what part of the brain" is allowing US (yes, me too) allows to continue to smoke with a deadly disease. My mother died from breast cancer at 46, when I was only 13. I quit about a month after my diagnosis because the thought of being under general anesthesia for 5 hours scared me...I figured I need all the lung capacity I could muster. Additionally, the plastic surgeon told me that continuing the smoking would greatly hinder my healing process. Being a vain woman, I was heavily on the reconstruction...listen to this for crazy, I am tall and still on the slender size but a herniated disc caused me to quit exercising so before the cancer I gained 35 (ironic, the amount you .lost)...I missed my model size body and figured this cancer would allow me the bigger breasts I always wanted and the chemo would help me drop the weight. I hear that some chemo patients don't lose weight and I have to keep these temporary expanders in until after chemo...another 4 months.
I won't be labor the point, I started back as soon as I was out the hospital, and they found 2 of 9 lymph nodes were cancerous so that meant chemo. That depressed me so as my cousin went to the pharmacy to fill the script, I hopped out the truck and went to a News shop for cigarettes My son followed me or tried to wanting to know where I was going...I dissuaded him from following me but I think he knew. I began by leaving the deadly Newport’s in my luxury suv 's saddle bag , bringing 4 or so loose ones up at a time, for about a week I did this going through a pack every 2 days. I think that you might be afflicted with the same thought process that I am experiencing. 1.) You are anxious about your fate, maybe not death but being in pain, 2.) Well, I already have cancer, so what is the use, and lastly and most profoundly I had to admit that I missed smoking and I enjoy it...but none of this thinking does us any good because we no matter what our individual prognosis is, it cannot being helping our health. I must remember that I did have such a feeling of accomplishment like I was Superwoman, and if I did what next, dropping the lousy boyfriend, saving and investing the generous pension I am allowed monthly--it was like God anything is possible. Now when I am in negative thinking mode, I say to myself who was I kidding, I really thought I could beat this, the cancer surgery would be a breeze
I had a quit coach that I am going to try to contact with on Monday, my sister-in-law said she would try to quit with me on my new start date September 13th, the first day of chemo. Truthfully, I hope it will be like when I was pregnant; it made me so sick I had to stop. I think I might be "lucky" and I will be so sick--a cig will be the last thing I want. I want to remember that my sinus junk went away, I looked better, I felt accomplished...I know you had some positive feelings maybe you can go back to those. I know the gum/patch helped. I also know that the E cigs which are not recommended helped when I was really tempted The VA had a coach but I know that there are some for the general public for free, they also sent me some really helpful materials. I feel the same shame knowing that family, friends, and especially detractors know I started again. We did it once we can-do it again!
