One of the most powerful things about this recovery business, AS I SEE IT, is once I HAVE become comfortable with who and what I AM, then I AM in a position to personify and make real the tools I have been given. For example the following is MY interpretation of a long standing set of tools. They are not some gospel or anything other than a kick ass set of Snap-On tools that I use to maintain ME!
This is how I try to TWEAK MYSELF!
Even if I stated that this is not a 12 Stepper. I find that what I learned has helped me to STAY CLEAN AND THAT IS WHAT PROVES THE VALUE TO ME!
I decided that MY EMOTIONAL maturity had been basically locked at where they were in development when I started using. That, my friend is not an an easy one to fix and I believe it is absolutely necessary to work on and fix in order to stay clean on a lifelong basis. I did not understand the actual predicament I was in. I know it now to be DEADLY SERIOUS! The list of the DEAD is long and growing. The list of the suffering is heartbreaking! I feel very sorry for most people that will always have the "ALL I WAS ATTITUDE". All I was addicted to is cigarettes but THOSE DOPERS AND ALCOHOLICS.........I'M GLAD I'M NOT THAT BAD! Poor suffering ADDICT.
I truly hope that works out for them and they don't relapse time and time again. Just about anyone that carried that attitude in either NA or AA eventually relapsed or never even made a year clean. The recovery rates from addiction are horribly poor. Long term recovery is alot of hard personal work. I know it from living it. Folks that are still smoking pot are not doing themselves much good IN MY OPINION. It is a shame but it is addiction also IN MY OPINION. I can not abandon my brothers and sisters either. The only way I know is to stay clean myself and is to lead by example. Just as I have done and continue to do. Step 1 must be repeated step 2 must be repeated and etcetera. It is a continuous cycle of healing. I go back and reaffirm the fact that to MY arrogant and controlling self, which of course is the ROOT of MY problem, that I DO NOT HAVE CONTROL! I have no control over my use and I fool myself into that state and holy shit look out world. The longer I stay clean the more I know I have to reiterate that point to myself. I did let my life become unmanagable, I took a bunch of shit that made it impossible to even begin managing my life properly. It is NO ONE'S FAULT. IT IS CHEMISTRY AT THE ROOT AND I KNOW HOW TO CHANGE THAT SHIT NOW! BUT IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY! I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT SHIT NOT SOME HELPLESS VICTIM OF IT! I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BLAME, PROTEST, POINT FINGERS, OR ANYTHING ELSE BESIDES WORK ON KEEPING MYSELF CLEAN! PERIOD!
NO USE IS OBVIOUSLY NUMBER 1.
Figuring out that I better find FAITH in something beside my dumb ass is number 2.
Trusting that FAITH and HP will steer me right is number 3.
Dig into my soul and being over and over and over finding my flaws is number 4.
Confessing to myself, HP, and another being all I can dig up in number 4 is number 5.
LETTING GO OF THAT SHIT and preparing for a NEW way is number 6.
Actually allowing HP to do that by asking for it thus really wanting to change is 7.
Try to figure out who I managed to hurt along the way and become willing to ammend that is 8.
Actually attempt to do that but also understanding that additional harm must not be done is 9.
Continue to do this process by jumping back to what I have just done over and over is 10.
WALKING WITH HP is 11.
Trying to help MY fellow addicts.....ALL OF THEM......is 12.
Repeat until I die of natural causes......... 🙂
I find that this changes as I do. I find that what worked in my understanding before may have been incorrect or needs tweaking BUT THAT IT WAS NECESSARY AT THE TIME specifically because I AM STILL CLEAN. I find that doing this over and over and over is ensuring that I will DIE;
CLEAN, SOBER, AND SMOKE FREE!
SO MOTE IT BE!
Jim
