EX Community

stephanie1067 · ‎05-27-2017

Dear Cigarettes -

You were my first love when I was 17. Very quickly after our first couple of dates, I became addicted to you. I actually, as a young girl, felt sexy with you and loved having you by my side and in my company. You gave me confidence at first and and made me feel mature. I loved how you felt between my fingers and the rush you would give me after being apart for a short time. It seemed like so many of my friends and family were in similar relationships and they were all fine. What was good for my grandparents and my father and my best friends was certainly good for me also. So I became more and more attached as we spend more time together. I had to have you the minute I woke up, every time I got in the car or on the phone, we spent time together after meals and enjoyed each others company during the relaxing quiet of the evening. We became the best of lovers, or so I thought......

Fairly quickly into this relationship, I must say, I began to feel that you were not right for me. I'm not sure why it has taken me 30 plus years to be honest with you about this. I have hung on for so long but felt more and more like an outcast for being with you as time went on. Having to sneak away to be with you when others have the freedom of just staying put. Having to rush out on a dinner or a visit or meaningful time spent with my kids. You have taken over my mind and I can't enjoy a movie or a vacation or a trip to the zoo or the park or anything wonderful without wondering when we can be together again and how long I can last without you. I feel like my mental health suffers from being with you because I am in a constant state of worry each time we're together. Will I have a heart attack? Will I develop cancer? Will I end up on oxygen not being able to breath? What color are my lungs? What is that little pain I have today in my back or yesterday in my chest? I have seen you take the life a my aunt and my best friends sister. I have realized that my kids viewing me in hospice on my death bed is NOT something I am willing to put up with for being in a relationship with you.

It has been very hard the past 13 days that we have been separated. I have mourned you and felt alone and quiet and nervous and anxious. I have cried and complained and become depressed. But then I have also caught myself smiling at something and realizing I will be happy again. It's like being reborn and learning happiness will still exist without you. Life will go on and be better with out you and be a lot longer without you. I have felt jealous of seeing others get to be with you until I realized you are just easy and will go with anyone and I bet my lungs are looking a lot healthier than theirs. So I am here to tell you I am taking this separation to the next level and dumping you for good and forever!

This is where I say good bye!

Stephanie

bonniebee · ‎05-28-2017

Great talking to yourself like that it really works ! "Ole Nic I laugh at you .......Ha !"

elvan · ‎05-28-2017

stephanie1067‌ CONGRATULATIONS on two weeks, that is wonderful. I think your letter is beautiful and I agree with Sky, you should keep it and look back on it because it will really speak to you. You have finished Hell Week which is what we call week one and Heck Week which is what we call week two...you are doing a great job!

bonniebee · ‎05-28-2017

Wonderful Blog !!! You are doing great and you are right on target ........"But I caught myself smiling and I realized I would be happy again . It is like being reborn and learning happiness will exist without you ." Really great insight I know you will make it Stephanie !

Janetsimpson · ‎03-27-2018

Hi All, Great post Stephanie - I notice @JACKIE1 and elvan here too - their posts were my first two blogs I read which encouraged me to blog and hence KEEP MY QUIT!! Today is day 75 for me! I feel so good but do keep reminding myself of week one and two and do not want to go back there ever!! If anyone has read any of my blogs, I returned to smoking after 18 years without!! How is that for addiction - kept at bay for 18 years and truly I was disgusted by it when I was a non-smoker and never thought about it - until I took that puff-a-roo and POOF gone - 18 years....But that was then and the now is great! I have passed many challenges (visits with smokers, conventions where I always smoked etc.).

I find there are days (even days in a row!) where I don't even think about cigs, but then there are - so I always stay connected with everyone here!

For those reading my other blogs - hubby is reading Allan Carr and as far as I know (I try not to sniff him down after work - lol!!) has around 2 or 3 weeks under his belt - I need to let him be his own addiction control but I do keep giving him tips etc.

Good luck to everyone here - we can do it - we really can!!!!

elvan · ‎03-27-2018

Janetsimpson Congratulations on 75 days, that's awesome. Pretty soon, you will join the Triple Digit Club at 100 days. How sad to lose an 18 year old quit but how courageous and amazing to get this one up and running. Yeah...try not to sniff your husband out, LOL. I do think giving him tips is a great idea. My daughter never came to this site but she said that NOPE, Not One Puff Ever, was the most powerful tool she had and she used it over and over again, she has been smoke free for over two and a half years.

I am proud of you and happy for you,

Ellen

stephanie1067 · ‎03-27-2018

Hi - Thank you so much and congratulations on your 75 days! That's such great great news! Keep it going. I wrote that post almost a year ago and I have not had one puff since. Today I have 317 days and I frequently use the term "I am only 1 puff away from a pack a day" and I absolutely don't ever want to go back to those first two terribly hard weeks where I cried and complained all the time. YES CRIED! I can't believe it but that was me. Love not thinking of it daily but I do get those craving that creep up now and again. I turn them away and the next thing I know, I've forgotten I wanted one at all. Keep up the great work and good luck to your hubby as well.