(In a nutshell of course!)
Hello all. I've detailed the history of my nicotine use on my page, I'll not repeat it here. Instead, I want to talk about what drove me down that road in the first place. I'm not sure how open I should be in mixed company, guess I'll use my best judgment, and if folks don't like it, that's out of my control. I don't have a PhD, but I'd surmise many others have a core issue or issues that drove us into the Smoking Spectre's formaldehyde-laced embrace: abuse, anxiety and mood disorders, trauma, etc.
For me that issue is depression. Severe depression, which I've lived with virtually my whole life. I'm pretty sure I was happy up until I was 9 or ten. My grandma died around that time, and even though she lived a long distance away, that first glimpse of life's fragility and darkness had an effect. Around this time, also, maybe a year or two later, the kids in my neighborhood that I used to play with shunned me for being "weird," whatever that means. I was an outsider, an oddity. I didn't fit in. I didn't share the interests most of my peers had.
In adolescence, sexuality became an issue I struggled with. In 1990s Smallville USA, you can bet that was no easy weight to carry. That struggle continued long after my teens, well into adulthood. I was lonely. I had few people I could turn to for understanding and acceptance. So I turned to the Smoking Spectre, and gazed into his lifeless eyes for comfort. He initiated me into his stagnant company, and took me into his mansion (sepulcher). Two hospitalizations in my late teens and early twenties for depression. Being fired from a job. Spinning out of control, frustrating myself and others. The death of my other grandma when I was 23, which devastated me. The Spectre's funeral hymn lulled me to sleep and numbed my sadness--an illusion, I'm well aware.
Fast forward to my thirties. Grad school. Pressure to succeed. My young niece's cancer diagnosis, and almost losing her to an infection. The deaths of my faithful dogs within a year of each other. Dropping out of school just shy of the finish line, knowing I'd go insane if I didn't step back from the stress of it all. Falling in love, more deeply than I've ever done before--and rejection.
I wanted to die. (Not really, but living was too difficult.) I'd quit smoking and relapsed the way a Bridezilla tries on wedding gowns. The Spectre beckoned me to rejoin his Kingdom of Decay. His cold Judas-like kiss led to freedom, to death.
I look at my life, and the mess it often is. Living hurts, sometimes unbelievably bad... But there's joy, too. There's so much world to explore, and so many things to do. So here I am, broken but not defeated. The Spectre has been dethroned. I cast him into the abyss. May 21, 2016, I smoked one last time and said no more. There are so many good things yet in store. I humbly join you. My story is shared. I wish you all the best in defeating the Smoking Spectre. May we fight him till our last smoke-free breaths. May we find the strength to refuse his kiss of death.
(sorry for breaking into rhyme towards last.)
