In a few hours, I will be 30 days smokefree. Is this really happening? This is the first time since I started smoking when I was 18 *(Unless you count BCT which was forced), that I quit for this long without breaking down. I started smoking in October 2000. On 2 April 2016, I said goodbye to cigarettes! Before this, I had two daughters and never fully quit when I was pregnant them. The guilt in doing this still eats at me. This pregnancy much like the others, I wanted to quit. Even though I just cut back significantly with all my pregnancies, I always wanted to stop completely. For many years, I had tried to quit. I saw counselors, got gum, patches, both prescriptions, accupuncture, even hypnotherapy, e-cigarettes, books (yes, inclduding the Easy Way to Quit Smoking). Heck, I watched both my grandparents die from lung cancer caused from smoking and still didn't quit. Nothing worked. Not even cold-turkey attempts.
I had accepted I was not going to be able to quit andput myself on a prescribed cigarette diet. I convinced myself that if I only smoked 3-5 a day it would be ok. Doing this SEEMED to make my mind think it was acceptable to continue doing and it kept me smoking for man more years. By doing this, I nearly convinced myself that I had to smoke and quitting wasn't possible. I had it under control right? This method, only made me think I was doomed to die like my grandparetns from lung cancer, and I really doubted whether or not I could or would actually just quit. There were nights I'd lay in bed worried that even just the 1 cigarette I had that day was too much still but I was not able to let it go. That is until I found this group....Thank you for being the support for me that I needed to stay quit. I had a very bouncy roller-coaster ride to get here.
Now, I know I can quit, because I have. Knowing this, helps me stay this way, and I will stay this way, because it is what I WANT AND NEED! I am aware that I may have to fight to protect my quit from myself even...but I will keep it safe and not quit on my quit. If I am ever in a relapse place again, I will come here first and ask for help/support--breaking down is not an option. The only option is learning to not be tempted to break down. The more time I go without cigarettes the easier it will be and the further and farther away my thoughts and memories of it will get.
I don't ever want to look back! I am no longer a slave to cravings,and I feel so much better. I can smell things too that before my senses were numbed to. HEAVENLY SPRING AND FRESH RAIN! My skin is looking better--even though I still have some smile wrinkles, they too have lightened & lessened. My mouth is not ugly yellow on the inside. What else? Coffee. Let me tell you...I used to drink way too much of it, but it was because I coudln't get the caffeine as efficiently. Now, I have a cup and I am WIDE awake.A much more enjoyable way to start the day than waiting for the much needed dose to take effect!
I'm due to have the baby in about 6 weeks. I can't wait to have this baby and start running again and see how much better I can breathe and feel. Also, having nursed my other two daughters as a smoker, I am eager to see how my supply will be different and the health of my baby improved. When I think of this, I'm only sad that I didn't quit sooner. I wish I would have known how this would feel after the miserable 8-10 days that suck when you first quit. I really wanted to quit in the beginning of this pregnancy and in all my other ones. However, I am happy I quit in the last trimester as it is better than not quitting at all. I'm still in a bumbpy way with my marriage but I am dealing with those emotions now instead of killing myself with cigarettes to cope. I am sending my husband a link to this site, as he said he'd quit too when I reach 30 days (I know he probably won't, but I will try to help however I can).
This has gotten really long, but I wanted to take the time here and now to say something, because as I get more confident in myself as a non-smoker, I am finding other ways to distract myself. I am busy with school, my job, and my family on top of having another baby soon. I will check in, but it will be less often.
Until next time,....
